- Marriage is like the lottery.
You're probably not gonna win.
But if you win, what you win is so great
that it's worth trying,
it's worth buying the ticket and taking the ride.
(soft plucked string music)
You know, 53% of marriages end in divorce in New York state.
So if I said to you there's a 53% chance
that when you walk out the front door today,
you're gonna get hit in the head with a bowling ball,
you would either stay inside or at a minimum
you would wear a helmet.
You buy a house, they make you fill out 50 forms
explaining that you understand the lead paint disclosures,
you understand the loan, you understand everything.
You get married, you don't even get a pamphlet.
You don't even get a piece of paper that says,
"Oh, by the way, you just did
"the most legally significant thing,
"other than dying, you'll ever do."
The fact that you're entering
into this significant legal contract
but most people have zero idea what's actually involved
in that contract, and spend a lot more time figuring out
what kind of cake we should have at the event
is a really strange thing to me.
Take marriage seriously.
(bell dings)
- If you want to be with a person
who is social, and very outgoing,
then don't marry someone who is a homebody.
- "This is who I want, this is what I expect.
"If this doesn't work for you, then you may not be
"the right guy for me."
It's critical that those expectations
are communicated early.
- You're not going to change all that much
just because you're getting married,
and the person that you're marrying is most probably
not going to change all that much either.
- I always tell clients,
"You divorce the person you were married to."
Because clients come in and they'll say, you know,
in this shocked way, say like,
"I can't believe he's being so vindictive!"
And I'll say, "Well, what was he like during the marriage?"
And they say, "Well, he was vindictive."
You know, "I can't believe he's nickel-and-diming me
"on all the finances."
And you say, "Well, what was he like with money
"during the marriage?"
And they say, "Well, he was the kind of person
"that would nickel-and-dime everybody."
"Okay, well why would you think he'd be different
"during the divorce?"
- I think one of the most important conversations
you need to have with your partner before getting married
is about your finances.
Doing a prenup forces the couple to have a conversation.
With a prenuptial agreement,
there is a mandatory financial disclosure.
Most people are out there making their own money,
and by the time they get married
they have their own bank accounts,
and you know, student loans or credit card debts,
and those are all sort of important things
to know about the person that you are going to marry.
(bell dings)
- I think what a lot of us are looking for
in someone to date is very different
than what we're looking for in someone to marry.
You know, I've had so many clients who,
for example their boyfriend or girlfriend has a job
that is so cool to have a boyfriend or girlfriend doing.
A musician, a chef, there's something very exciting
about dating someone in that position.
But think about what it's going to be like
to be married to someone in that position.
A chef who works really long hours, late into the night.
A person who travels for business that is on the road
45 weeks of the year.
What makes for a good boyfriend or girlfriend
and what makes for a good spouse or partner,
especially if you want to have kids,
is a tremendously different thing much of the time.
(bell dings)
When you represent people in divorce,
you see good people at their worst.
So I've seen, you know, stay at home moms,
who, in the middle of a courtroom,
throw something at their spouse.
- The biggest mistake that people make
when they're getting divorced is to make this
into the winner and loser situation.
They get so caught up into standing their ground
that they lose focus of what really matters
and the collateral damage that's happening around them.
The key here is to keep your eye on the prize.
It's my job to take your hand
and walk you through this path,
which is very scary, but the goal is to get
to the other side, not to get stuck in the middle.
I don't think that you have as much drama,
unpredictable day-to-day experiences that you have
in divorce and family law.
- Being a divorce lawyer has helped me figure out
in my own marriage what I'm fighting for
and what I really don't want to lose.
- I've been a divorce lawyer for 17 years,
I still get teary-eyed at weddings.
If I was to say to people what they should try
to hold on to, is that sense of being
this other person's cheerleader
and being connected to them.