40,000 feet above the earth
aboard a luxury airship that never touches the ground
for tax reasons, it's "Down To Earth,"
with your host, a regular normal person,
just like you, Amy Schumer!
Oh!
We've got a great show for you tonight!
But first, let's say "Hi" to the Down to E Band,
Selena and the Schume-tones!
♪♪
♪ She has a chef for her dog ♪
♪ She bought a convent in Prague ♪
♪ She owns three precogs ♪
♪ This girl is just like you ♪
♪ J-j-j-just like you ♪♪
Look, at you, Miss Rosetta Stone.
Look how good your English has gotten, I love!
I was born in Texas.
So... now it's time for our first segment,
I'm Just Like Us!
That's right, guys,
I get coffee and bagel, just like me.
And that's my new miniature dinosaur, Pom Pom,
wearing Narciso Rodriguez.
There are a lot of misconceptions about min-dins,
but believe you me, they are the sweetest,
most loving pet that you can pay
to have genetically re-engineered.
Pom Pom is a rescue from extinction
and Steven Spielby.
Okay, and then here's me with Perez... Hilton.
So, look, I get a cup of joe, no fancy drink for me.
I just say, coffee.
But, uh, uh, you know what?
I have hard days just like everyone else.
And here's what happened, so the barista...
she got mad when Pom Pom had to make shit.
So, I left, and let's just say
I won't be going back.
♪♪
Today's topic is using a hidden camera
to spy on your maid who steals.
Let's go to the Relato-Cam and see what mine is stealing.
There she goes again!
Stop stealing!
(speaking Spanish)
Do I have a maid? Yes.
Do I know her name? No.
But I'm just like you.
I still wash my own legs.
I still do my own masturbating.
Thank you.
Seleña, am I saying that right?
Masturbating or my name?
(text alert pings)
Mmm, wow.
I didn't even know I was up for that award.
(chuckles)
Here's a life hack for you.
After I make a call or take a vaggie,
I like to shred my phone so it doesn't get hacked
by Internet robots who are super jelly, like so.
(whirring)
Voilà!
Then have your personal assistant
bring you a new phone.
Easy Peasy, beautiful. Assistant!
♪♪
No, she does not need walk-on music.
Ooh, thank you, I love your blouse.
Alligators.
What is your name?
I'm your sister, Kim?
Ooh, "Sister Kim."
A nun, high-end.
Now we're gonna meet our first guest.
Not a celebrity, he's just a regular,
normal poor person like Seleña.
Jero-- Jerome.
Jerome.
♪♪
(Amy) Careful, Jermone.
Here, have a seat.
You can take a knee right there.
Fun, welcome to the show.
No problem, I was already here.
Just, uh... steering the zeppelin.
I can relate, interesting.
I'm just like you.
You're the boss lady, Miss Schumer.
Miss Schumer is my mother's pussy's name.
You can just call me America's Golden Eagle.
Ew.
Mmm.
Refuel the zeppelin.
Do zeppelin repairs, stuff like that.
Actually, I should
probably get back to the controls.
Nonsense, you're my guest, it's an honor.
For more information, check out my lifestyle website.
Engorge.biz.
Oh, my God, what's going on?
Nobody's flying the zeppelin, you idiot!
You have to go down with the ship because
you're in the band, and it's Titanic!
Or we could just pull up the controls.
I mean, we're 40,000 feet up in the air.
No time!
We need to cut weight!
I can fix it!
(Jerome screams)
You need to be my human parachute.
They have real parachutes.
Shut up, Seleña!
Remember, I'm just like you!
Well, I'm gonna go fix this.
♪♪