- A very good day to you.
This is journalist Frank James with an FJ News Quickie.
Tune in every Sunday
for non-depressing news nuggets from around the globe
so that you introverts can have
something interesting to bring up
when you get trapped in a convo.
We've got news about the infamous Joe Exotic,
a tiger on the loose, unrelated to Joe Exotic,
and the return of Ellen DeGeneres to TV,
also probably unrelated to Joe Exotic.
First up, a spotlight on crime in America.
On Tuesday, two men appeared in court
on charges of attempting to smuggle contraband
into a correctional facility in Mississip.
On August 26th, the two men tried to fly a drone
containing marijuana, lighters, and cellular telephones
over the prison fence.
Sadly for the prisoner on the inside
eagerly awaiting his parcel,
the drone was caught in a net above the fence.
Shortly thereafter,
the two men piloting the drone were caught as well.
This journalist wouldn't be surprised
if they chose this plan over another plan
to hide the contraband in a Five Dollar Footlong
and try to pass themselves off as Uber Eats drivers.
Next up in our segment where we give a care
about what celebrities do in their private lives,
singer Alanis Morissette opened up recently
about her educational philosophy for her three children:
unschooling, which, as this journalist understands it,
is basically homeschooling for lazy people.
The singer does say, however, that her three children,
Winter Mercy, Ever Imre, and Onyx Solace,
whose names will certainly never seem dated,
can go to conventional school at any time they want.
For instance, if they want to get their doctorate degree.
Because, unfortunately, in these backwards times,
the unschooled still may not
give themselves advanced degrees.
We can only hope that one day
our society will progress to the point
where the unschooled won't have to subject themselves
to the tyranny of conventional schooling
in order to earn a PhD, MD, law degree, or pilot's license.
Now to a developing story, Joseph Maldonado-Passage,
popularly known as Joe Exotic, and the subject
of the wildly popular Netflix docuseries "Tiger King,"
has filed an application for a pardon
from the US Department of Justice.
Exotic was sentenced to 22 years in prison
for being involved in a murder-for-hire plot
and breaking wildlife laws.
He maintains his innocence, and claims that he was set up
by other supporting characters from the series.
We can only hope he gets pardoned soon,
so that by the time a second coronavirus lockdown happens,
a film crew will have been able
to make another series about him for us to binge.
Perhaps hosted by Joel McHale.
One would assume it would be much like the first series,
with Joe getting himself into various outlandish situations
that turn ever more disturbing
until he is thrown in jail for a second time,
and we look at ourselves in the mirror
to come to terms with what monsters we are
for laughing at a modern American tragedy.
Speaking of tigers,
in Knoxville, Tennessee this week,
authorities have been on the search for a loose tiger
which had been spotted on Wednesday night.
Nobody knows where the tiger came from,
as the Knoxville Zoo reported all its tigers accounted for.
A trap has been set, and once the tiger is caught,
it will be sent to a tiger sanctuary.
Rumor has it that the trap is baited
with a bowl of Frosted Flakes.
Hopefully he thinks they're great.
And now to our headline story.
Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres
is planning her imminent return to TV.
DeGeneres's career has been in jeopardy as of late
due to allegations from former employees
that her TV show was a toxic work environment,
and that Ellen herself was mean.
"The Ellen DeGeneres Show"
is slated to return September 21st.
It is unclear if DeGeneres will return
as her typical amiable, chummy self,
or if she will embrace the meanness
and turn this new season into a gritty reboot.
As a journalist who has no opinions
and only speaks the unvarnished truth,
there are too many nice hosts on daytime talk shows,
and we could really use a host
who treats her guests the way Gordon Ramsey treats chefs
who bring him raw scallops and forget the lamb sauce.
Watch this news segment next if you missed it.
Hit Like, 'cause I am monitoring the analytics as we speak.
Until next Sunday, have a good week.