♪♪
[audience applause]
- Thank you all for coming, as your arbitrator
I'm here to help you settle this dispute outside of court.
- I don't see what the problem is,
I think the song's great.
- Enough with the reindeer games, Rudolph.
The song paints you like a hero,
and us like villains.
- I know, right?
- No, that's not a--
Dude, Rudolph,
I went to your son's bar mitzvah, we're friends.
- Okay, perhaps we should
go through what you all feel is misleading in the song
and make changes as we go.
- Fine.
- All right, excellent let's start with this one.
"All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names."
- That's true!
- What names?
We just called you like Rudy or Rude.
- [indignant] You're rude!
- Okay, it's a nickname, you dimwit.
- See, he just called me a dimwit!
- Okay, so uh, did they ever laugh at you?
- Well I just said that they laughed,
not that they laughed at me.
[laughing] Everyone laughs.
You guys, they laugh,
they've laughed.
- So we'll change that, moving on.
The next line in contention reads,
"They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games".
- See now, that's true.
- No, no, we invited you to all the reindeer games.
- Yeah, you just never wanted to come.
- Yeah, we invited you to Guess Hooves.
- Ugh.
- And Antlers to Antlers.
- Oh, come on.
- And Call of Duty night.
- I wanna play Risk!
- Ugh, that game takes forever!
- Rudolph, reindeer hate two things:
pistachios, and geopolitics.
- Right, so it sounds like you were invited.
- Yeah but I was poor,
I was flying Uber in the summer.
- All right, noted.
Okay next line,
"Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say,
Rudolph with your nose so bright",
etcetera etcetera.
- Didn't happen!
Never happened, sorry.
- Yeah your nose isn't even bright enough
to light up this room.
- Oh, okay!
- Okay, could we get the lights off please?
- I got you.
- Please do.
- Thank you, I appreciate this.
[audience laughter]
[straining]
[laughing]
- Renewable energy!
There we go.
- No, that's like barely six watts!
- Yeah, and that Christmas Eve was hazy at best.
- And you only got to ride shotgun
because you get sleigh sick.
- Uh, Santa wanted me there!
- Santa!
Do you seriously think that Santa Claus would put
the most passive aggressive reindeer up front?
- Oh, so I'm the most passive aggressive one?
- You just did it!
You're proving my point right now!
[all arguing]
- All right if we could for just a moment!
The next line is,
"Then all the reindeer loved him,"
- Oh then!
Then we loved you.
That's when we started to love you, Rudolph,
because I'm sorry,
I must have forgot that when I was too busy singing
at your son's bar mitzvah.
- Oh, it was my daughter's quinceanera!
- I don't remember!
There was cake and I came, that's what matters.
- All right, and finally it says that
"Rudolph will go down in history,"
affirming that he is the most famous reindeer of all.
- Okay seriously?
What about Comet?
He got a purple heart in Iraq.
- I'm just glad you have the freedom
to call yourself the "most famous".
[audience laughter]
- Thank you for your service.
- All right, based on today's proceedings
I propose the following amended lyrics.
Uh Prancer,
would you do the call and response?
- Of course.
- All right, there's Dasher, Dancer,
etcetera etcetera.
But do you recall another one?
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.
- Reindeer.
- Had a red nose.
- Like a zit.
- And if you ever saw it, you would even say
it was approximately six watts.
- Like a radioactive zit.
[audience laughter]
- All of the other reindeer.
- Reindeer.
- Were as cordial as could be under the circumstances.
- Like a family reunion.
- Then one marginally hazy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
"Rudolph if your sleigh sickness is so bad,
why don't you come up front?"
- So, just so I know for my sake.
Are we not putting in the part
about the bar mitzvah or no?
- Dude, chill out about the bar mitzvah thing.
[sighs]
But if you do put it in there,
make sure they know I was there too.
[audience laughter]
- The reindeer loved him regardless.
- Regardless.
- Mm-hmm, and treated him the same.
- Yippee.
[audience laughter]
- Comet, the war worn reindeer,
you're an American hero.
[audience laughter]
- Like Beyoncé.
- Yes.
All right, excellent.
These new lyrics will now be sung
by every child in the world.
I believe we are done,
if you would just remain for a moment
I have one more case to arbitrate,
Dasher this is against you.
- Wait, wait what?
What did I do?
- All right ladies you can come in.
- Yep, that's him,
that's the dumb deer that ran over my grandma.
[audience laughter]
- Okay, now that was a foggy night!
[thud]
- Okay!
- Grandma no!
Grandma!
Grandma no!
[audience applause]
- My clients would like to thank you
for watching Studio C.
[incoherent whispering]
Oh, okay.
And they would like to remind you
to visit BYUtv.org or download the BYUtv app
for more exclusive content
you're not gonna find anywhere else, yes?
[whispering]
You could just talk to them yourself--
Okay.
Also like, comment, subscribe,
probably comment about,
I don't know, your favorite Christmas song.
- One that sleighs?
- Ooh, I don't like you.
[all complaining]
I'm out, I'm done.
- I liked it.
♪♪