- [Announcer] From West Hollywood California,
the only news team that doesn't know what's
on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is Breaking News.
(chime sounds)
- Good evening everyone, welcome to Breaking News.
The show where we have no idea what we're about to say
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
(alert sound)
I'm Rekha Shankar.
- And I'm Becca Scott with a "k".
- Our first segment of the evening: confessions.
We are all going to confess a few real things
about ourselves to you, the viewer.
- We are 100% choosing to say these things.
- In fact, I'm not reading anything
off the teleprompter right now.
- Confession number one.
I once walked in on my (alert sound) grandfather defecating.
I said it was an accident but that was a lie.
- I catfish people on Tinder on the weekends.
In my opinion, anyone
who thinks Katherine Heigl is flirting with them
without asking for pics deserves to get catfished.
(laughs) (alert sound)
- [Becca] I still think Rob Schneider is funny.
(alert sound)
(Rob Schneider impression) Oh I'm a dog, oh!
(alert sound)
- Don't forget the scripted line.
- (Rob Schneider impression) You can dooo it.
(laughs) (alert sounds)
He just cracks me up.
He's much funnier than I will ever be.
Wow.
- Cereal is better with water than with milk.
Before you at me, try eating a bowl of Coco Puffs
with water, you plebs.
- Okay, I'll just come out and say it.
I don't think O.J. did it.
(laughs) (alert sound)
- [Rekha] And finally.
Comic Sans is a good-ass font.
If you hate Comic Sans then your tastes are boring
and your life sucks.
(laughs) (alert sound)
- That's a wrap for all of our very real confessions.
And now we're going to go live to the scene
with a rager of a party with our correspondent,
"drunk frat guy," whose name I can only assume is Cody.
Cody.
(Slurring words) - Hey there.
(laughs) (alert sound)
It must have hurt when you fell down from the sky
(alert sound) because you're an angel.
(laughs) (alert sound)
- Cody, can we flirt later in the parking lot?
What can you tell us about the party?
- Dude, this party stinks.
The bear pong tables has the weirdest rules.
One of the cups is filled with mayo and if it get sunk,
you have to snort it Steve-O-style.
(laughs) (alert sound)
That means you do three whip-its first.
Also, there's no sandwiches at this party.
I want a sandwich right now with mortadella, (laughs)
mustard, mayo, (alert sound) the Joker's saliva,
(laughing and alert sound) and lettuce.
- Sounds delicious.
Cody, anyone cool at this party?
- Yeah, it's a real whose who over here.
(laughs)
Mark Zuckerberg has been in the bathroom
for over an hour after eating a single jalapeno.
(laughing) (alert sounds)
Jeff Bezos is riding around on two Roombas
and Bill Gates is giving everyone hair cuts.
(laughing) - Wow.
Thanks Cody.
And make sure to chug-a-lug some water before you go to bed.
- [Becca] Now onto our next segment,
(laughing) Grant just had their SNL Showcase.
O'Brien, how did it feel?
- Oh, it felt good.
I made Pete Davidson blow coke out
of his nose from laughing.
- Great, Grant I'm sure everyone (alert sound)
here would love to see part
of your set.
I hear you do a real good impression
of Gilbert Gottfried at the Apple Store.
- I do.
(laughs) (alert sound)
(yelling) Look if I don't get my hands on an Ipad right now,
I'm going to freak out. (laughs)
I'm so upset, (laughing)
I'm bolting.
This is unbelievable.
- Wow!
And you gotta show us your impressions
of Bane doing phone sex for a sad bus business man.
(laughs)
- I watch porn in the dark.
(laughs) (alert sound)
- And, (laughing) what about your original characters like
"Landlord made of fish at the Apple Store."
(laughs) (alert sound)
- (calm) If I don't get my hands on an Ipad right now,
I'm going to freak.
I'm so upset that I'm molting.
- Yes.
- Don't forget the landlord part.
(laughs) (alert sound)
- [Becca] And what about--
- Just because I'm a landlord doesn't mean I always have
to talk about it. (alert sound)
Do you always talk about your job?
(alert sound)
I'm at the Apple Store, why would I,
why would I bring up my work as a landlord right now.
- And what about
Angelina Jolie on a boat eating salad.
(clears throat)
(laughs) (alert sound)
- You know, I've always said to myself
I wish I could be
in a movie about bullets that curve.
(laughs) (alert sound)
- Okay, that's all the time we have today.
Before we go, I must announce today's loser which is Grant.
- [Grant] Yeah, well it's fine.
- [Rekha] What gotcha Grant?
- You know what really made me laugh?
The idea of Bill Gates giving someone a haircut.
(laughing)
I was tickled pink by that.
- [Rekha] I do think that is your exact brand.
(laughing)
Thanks for watching.
(low alert sound)