Hi guys, I’m Kya and I’m definitely going to be on the naughty list after this video.
But really who cares?
You get some coal and you move on.
I’m not much for the holiday season and I don’t really mess with Santa Claus.
I mean, presents are great, but that’s what birthdays are for.
And the idea of St. Nick breaking into my house and stuffing my stockings just sounds like a home invasion,
Who's down there?!
So you should probably be prepared.
We actually pitched this as a joke,
But during our research we couldn’t believe how many Christmas horror movies there actually are,
most of which involve a killer Kris Kringle.
So for all my Grinches out there, we’re gonna help you win the War on Christmas with our guide on ho-ho-
How to Kill Santa Claus
But before we start, let me make this clear:
We understand Christmas is a sincere, spiritual holiday for a lot of people, and we respect that.
This video is strictly about Santa Claus as a fictional pop culture character, nothing more.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, if he can sell you M&M’s and Coca-Cola, he’s fair game.
Cool? Cool.
Now let’s begin with the first Santa slasher movie, 1980’s ‘Christmas Evil,’
but first, you’d better rustle up
A Big, Unruly Mob.
‘Christmas Evil’ isn’t your typical horror movie.
Honestly, it has more in common with ‘Taxi Driver’ than ‘Halloween.’
It’s about a man named Harry and his slow descent into madness,
After he sees mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Harry grows up obsessed with becoming Saint Nick.
He works in a toy factory, sleeps in a costume, and decks out his van with a fun sleigh motif.
He even spies on children to see if they’re naughty or nice.
Not creepy at all.
When Harry finally snaps, he goes on a killing spree with a hatchet and some deadly toy soldiers.
I have superlative taste.
[SCREAMS AND CHOPPING NOISES]
After tearing through the town, an angry mob, complete with torches, runs his van off a bridge.
Now, we don’t actually see the crash.
The final shot is Harry’s dying hallucination as the van flies off into the night, ‘Birdman’ style.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
‘Christmas Evil’ has some pretty famous fans, including John Waters, who’s a big proponent of the film,
but when it comes to holiday horror, it’s usually overshadowed by ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night.’
Similar to ‘Christmas Evil,’ our killer Billy Chapman is driven to madness by childhood trauma,
in this case, his parents’ murder by a man in a Santa suit.
No!
Like Bruce Wayne with a bowl full of jelly,
Billy dons his own Kris Kringle costume and takes his vengeance to the streets.
And to stop him, you need to make like the girl on 34th Street and just
Stop Believing.
There's no Santa Claus. There is no Santa Claus!
Aaand, rhyming time!
When the children are nestled all snug in their beds,
He hangs their babysitters and chops off some heads.
Dressed all in fur from his head to his foot,
Billy slices and dices ‘til he goes kaput.
He returns to the orphanage where he was raised,
and meets an old nun he attacks in a craze.
But she stands her ground, and declares without pause:
I don’t believe in Santa Claus.
Enraged, Billy starts to attack with his ax,
but while he’s distracted,
a police officer sneaks up from behind and fatally shoots him.
Santa Claus is... Gone...
R.I.P. Billy.
Believe it or not, ‘Silent Night’ was incredibly controversial when it came out in 1984.
Parents picketed theaters,
TV networks pulled commercials,
and even Siskel and Ebert condemned it.
No question in my mind that the showing of Santa with an ax, on free TV in commericals,
is sick and sleazy and mean-spirited.
Shame on you.
But despite the uproar, this movie somehow spawned four sequels.
The first one introduced us to Billy’s brother Ricky,
Oh!
for whom Christmas is only the second best day of the year.
What's the first best day?
GARBAGE DAY!!!
Huh? No!!!
Ha ha ha!
‘Silent Night’ is at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to horror franchises,
but that didn’t stop it from getting a quasi-remake in 2012.
Not even a clearly-slumming Malcolm McDowell can save you from this Santa,
Gentlemen. Ho, ho, ho.
but if you’ve got a flamethrower handy, you can always
Roast Him on an Open Fire
Of course, none of these guys are the real Santa.
They’re just his helpers, obviously.
The real St. Nick can’t be everywhere at once,
but when he does leave the North Pole, you better watch out.
He’s ancient, immortal, and immensely powerful.
And hopefully, NORAD’s not tracking him too closely,
because you might need to shoot him down with a
Surface-to-Air Missile
According to ‘Santa’s Slay,’ Kris Kringle is actually the spawn of Satan.
In the history of man there have been only two immaculate conceptions.
The first being Jesus, the second was Satan with the virgin Erica,
and the birth of their son, Santa.
Every year, he’d wreak havoc on the world on Christmas Day,
until an angel beat him in a curling match and sentenced him to deliver presents for 1,000 years.
Now that he’s served his time, Santa returns to deliver death and destruction instead.
In the opening scene of the movie, St. Nick disrupts a Christmas Eve dinner and murders an entire family in a manner most jolly.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!
He burns Fran Drescher alive and drowns her in a vat of eggnog,
punts Chris Kattan into a china cabinet,
and drives a turkey leg down Jimmy Khan’s throat.
One thing these actors have in common? They’re Jewish,
just like writer/director David Steiman and Santa himself, the iconic Bill Goldberg.
Who's next?
I guess now would be a good time to mention this movie doesn’t take itself too seriously,
but that’s what’s so great about it.
Can we open our melon-farming presents now?
Of course!
Go ahead, kids!
Let's see what Santa got you!
Frack...
Just look at the finale, where a powerless Santa tries to escape in his sleigh pulled by animatronic Hell-Deer.
The townsfolk have trouble shooting it down, until a middle-aged man with a rocket-launcher blows Saint Nick out of the sky.
It’s one of the funniest Christmas movies ever,
and if you’re a fan of over-the-top horror comedy, you should ask for ‘Santa’s Slay’ under your tree.
Now, we all know Santa is a global icon,
and that different cultures have their own traditions surrounding St. Nick.
But if the Finnish movie ‘Rare Exports’ is any indication,
you don’t wanna run into Kris Kringle next time you’re in Helsinki.
After an archaeological dig unearths an ancient tomb,
mysterious creatures start attacking children and reindeer.
Scientists catch the culprit, expecting to find a wolf.
But when they check their trap on Christmas Eve, they find a naked, feral, bearded old man inside.
He’s a little on the skinny side, but the researchers assume they’ve found the real Santa.
Nope.
The real Santa is a gigantic, horned monster trapped in a block of ice,
And the army of wild, nude old men are his elves.
This is not Santa.
What?
It's one of Santa's little helpers.
The team rescues the missing children and destroys the Santa monster with some devastating
Dynamite.
Dy-No-Mite!
With St. Nick taken care of, our heroes hose off the murderous old elves and send them around the world to act as mall Santas.
Back the frack up!
They've kidnapped children and attacked reindeers and then you put them in malls!
This is the most wild shit...
It’s pretty twisted, but that’s nothing compared to what’s next.
This one is especially brutal, so if you have any kids with visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads,
you might want them to look away.
Because this Santa dies horribly when Tim Allen
Drops Him off a Roof
Hey you!
Well, okay, he just kinda startles him, but still,
Saint Nick plummets to the deadly ground below where he lands with a wet, sickening thud.
That noise haunts my nightmares.
Scott Calvin might not be a murderer, but he’s definitely a ghoul.
Just look at him standing over that broken, twisted body.
Does he care about Santa’s agony?
His smashed organs, shattered bones and internal bleeding?
No, he just wants to crack jokes and scavenge his stiffening corpse.
Allright, you should just... Stay still. Perfect.
Then, he steals his clothes and beloved pets and makes off for the North Pole in his sleigh.
Jeez, it’s too bad Santa’s body disappears,
Scott could have made a suit out of his skin like Buffalo Bill.
Would you hug me?
[TIM ALLEN GRUNT]
I'd hug me.
We’re even forced to revisit this horrific moment in the ‘Santa Clause 3,’
And… I’m sorry, I have to stop, it’s just too horrible.
I might be a scrooge, but no one deserves to have Tim Allen take over their life.
[AN INFINITE VOID OF TIM ALLENS AND THEIR CACOPHONOUS, MADDENING GRUNTS]
The holidays are about peace on Earth and goodwill towards man,
not this senseless brutality!
From slaughter and slaying, to guts, bone, and gristle,
Or taking out Santa with heat-seeking missiles,
I hope that our video will help you survive,
So Happy Christmas to all,
and to all, please subscribe!