- She's looking at me, going,
"Too long. Come now."
I'm like, "I'm trying!"
I mean, I can't piss
if my brother's on the same floor as me at this age.
She's yelling at me right here, like, "You come now! Too long!"
I'm like, "I'm fucking trying!"
- Welcome to "This is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr.
Now, tonight's episode--it's not for the faint of heart.
In fact, you might even want to cover your ears.
[jazz band plays note] Because tonight...
♪ ♪
♪ It's about to get filthy ♪
♪ Dirty, maybe just a little purdy ♪
♪ It's about to be freaky ♪
♪ Nasty ♪
♪ Gonna make you want to touch yourself ♪
♪ I'm talking 'bout smut ♪
♪ Talking 'bout sluts ♪
♪ Talking 'bout putting stuff in your butts ♪
♪ It's gonna get icky ♪
♪ Tricky ♪
♪ It's about to get a little sticky ♪
♪ If you think you can play ball ♪
♪ Stick around, it's about to go down ♪
♪ Let's talk about filth ♪
♪ Yeah, taking it from behind ♪
♪ Dicks and tits and balls and clits and assholes ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Let me hear you say taint ♪ - Taint!
- ♪ Ah, masturbate ♪ - Masturbate!
- ♪ Snail trail ♪ - Snail trail!
- ♪ Dutch oven! ♪ - Dutch oven!
- ♪ Out comes the shotgun ♪ - Shotgun!
- ♪ Golden shower ♪ - Golden shower!
- ♪ The cha-cha ♪ - The cha-cha!
- ♪ Rusty trombone, Rusty trombone ♪
♪ Girl on girl on guy on guy ♪
♪ Just don't get it in your eye ♪
♪ Here we go, filth! ♪
- Yeah, girl.
[cheers and applause]
He is the star of the series "Delco Proper."
This is Tommy Pope.
[cheers and applause]
- My dad has night terrors.
[laughter]
Real fucking deal, too.
Night terrors is when you yell in your sleep
for no goddamn reason.
Aah.
Aah-aah-aah.
Aah-aah-aah-aah.
Coming from my parents' bedroom.
Aah-aah-aah-aah.
My entire childhood.
Aah. Aah!
[laughter]
Like a drunk ghost.
Aah. Aah!
But my mother only recently told us...
out of nowhere.
Recently.
At a family party, she's talking to one of my fat aunts.
[laughter]
All of my aunts are built for winter.
Let's...
Out of nowhere, she points.
She goes, "Tom, your father has night terrors."
I was like, "What?"
Then she tells me what they are.
And I was like, "Do you realize for, like, 30 fucking years
I thought Dad was just a passionate lover?
Just coming from his heels every night, like...
[moaning loudly]
Every time I'd hear his death rattle from the bedroom,
like, "I guess we're getting another little brother."
And I was six. I was always wondering about sex,
so I was like, "I'm going in!"
Charged down the hallway and...
Aah. Aah-aah.
It's building up. I jam the door open.
My mother's stiff as a board,
already looking directly at me, wide awake,
like she was fucking waiting for my arrival.
My dad's going, "Aah-aah."
She very calmly says,
"Go back to sleep, hon."
And I was like, "Well, I'll never truly sleep again."
Do you realize for years, that's how I thought sex worked?
The man just lays on his back fist-fighting the night like...
[grunting]
And the woman guards the door for intruders.
Like a fucking bridge troll, going, "Go back to sleep."
[laughter]
It's how I first learned about sex.
My whole family's fucked up.
Whole family is fucked up.
Crazy, real crazy, like the real kind--
mental disorders, drug addiction, alcoholism,
abuse, violence, partying, sex.
And one night all of these things happened at once.
I got two older brothers.
My middle brother, Brian, got kicked out of Texas A&M
for hitting some dude over the face with a pool stick
in a bar fight.
My oldest brother's bipolar.
That's like being in a bar fight every night...
With yourself.
But I convinced myself I'm different.
"You're different."
Then I got older.
I'm like, "You got to be just like them,"
'cause we all fell out of my mom's saloon doors.
I got to be next, right?
Just waiting for the old crazy switch to click the fuck on.
My brother used to throw the wildest parties,
my oldest brother,
and coming out the morning after one of his parties
was like coming out from an underground bunker
after a tornado hits.
There's just debris everywhere, and you're whistling for a dog
that you know in your heart is not there.
[laughter]
And one night-- I was 15 years old.
I was a sophomore in high school,
and Steve was 21.
My parents decided we were finally old enough
that they could go on vacation for the very first time.
We're mature enough.
My brother took this opportunity to gain my parents' trust,
and he threw his biggest fucking banger yet.
Plastic on the carpets. There was a keg in every room.
There was a nitrous tank in the kitchen.
His friends were huffing nitrous
out of my mother's blue nursing surgical gloves.
But this party was big for me, too.
This meant Kristen could sleep over for the first time.
15, that's a big fucking deal, you know?
When you're 15, any touch is a good touch.
If I grazed a pillowcase at 15, I'm like, "I'm up now.
I am up."
I wasn't a virgin in high school,
but I got laid in high school
the way white people eat Indian food...
once a year,
but you don't shut the fuck up about it for six months.
So Kristen and I finally get to my parents' house,
and it's a mob-- there's kids on the lawn,
kids in the driveway, kids on the back deck,
and I'm scared for the first time to walk in my own place,
my own house.
I grab her. I'm like, "Stay close.
"These people are animals.
But I'm not like them."
I walk in the door.
I'm greeted by the ugliest man I've ever seen in my life.
He's 20 years old, already balding,
redheaded, with a lazy eye.
Let that sink in.
God was clearly hungover the day he made this fucking monster.
It's like he went to get to the second eye and was like...
[imitates snoring]
Puts his hand on me.
He's like, "What the fuck are you doing here?"
I'm like, "I live here."
Nobody believes us 'cause we're so young.
So now I'm pointing at portraits on the wall,
like, "That's fucking me!
"Here we are at Disneyland with my parents,
who I'll call if you keep fucking with me!"
I finally find my brother in the kitchen bent over the stove
with all four burners on full blast.
He picks his head up.
He's got a cigarette in his mouth
that's somehow lit in the middle...
and burning both directions
like a Wile E. Coyote TNT wick.
His eyebrows and his goatee completely singed.
So now the kitchen smells like nitrous and fucking burnt hair.
And his first comment, he goes...
[inhales deeply] "Fuck are you doing here?"
I'm like, "I fucking live here!"
I grab her by the arm. I'm like, "Let's go upstairs."
And I just want to cozy into my dry-humping station.
And then minutes in, all's you hear is...
[knocking] "Fuck!
Go away!"
And they just kept banging and banging and banging,
because everybody else
is looking for their own sex station.
So I spent the rest of the night cuddling her,
telling her I'm different
and protecting the door from intruders like my mother did.
And that's where the story should've ended.
But like I said, my brothers are animals.
So, a couple hours later,
I get woken up by my brother's best friend, Doss,
who's also my landscaping boss.
White trash.
[laughter]
Doss shakes me. He's like, "Get up."
Looks at her, is like, "It's okay.
"We're just gonna take him downstairs real quick.
We'll be right back."
I know this is not true.
Walk down the steps, go right out the front door.
The landscaping truck is already running in the driveway.
The cab is packed.
And I'm like, "I got nowhere to go."
He's like, "Lay in the back, keep your head down.
If you pick it up, we'll get pulled over by the cops."
Dude from the cab's like,
"Get in, pussy. We're getting Asian."
In my head, I'm like, "Why don't we get it delivered?"
But I do that thing-- when you're 15,
you just curse unnecessarily, and you just play along.
I'm like, "Well, fuck you.
You're the one getting leveled, you piece of shit."
And I just jump in.
I'm in between two weed whackers and a gas can.
He pulls out. He's going quickly 60 miles an hour
down side streets, and I start mapping out my route,
'cause that's what they tell you to do when you get kidnapped.
You got to map out your fucking route.
So I'm like, "Okay, we're taking a left on Marshall Road.
"That's a right on State.
"Why are we getting on the highway?
Why are we getting on 95?"
30 minutes of hell later,
we pull into this small, little back alley
in Center City Philadelphia.
I get out. I got leaves in my hair.
There's just a little flickering light,
a box window, and a camera pointing straight down.
This is 1996.
Banks didn't have cameras outside.
So I'm like, "Oh, this is where bad shit happens."
So I'm like, "Hey, guys, I thought we were getting Asian."
One guy's like, "We are." And they all start laughing.
[imitates laughter]
And so I started laughing, too. I was like...
[imitates laughter] Still not getting it.
And like synchronized drunks,
six heads just point right at the camera,
and all's you hear is... [imitates buzzer]
Door opens.
Three feet, another door, another camera.
And I'm like, "How fucking hard
is it to get General Tso's in this goddamn city?"
This time all's you hear is, "You cop?"
And I'm like, "No, I'm a sophomore."
[laughter]
One dude shakes his head. All's you hear is...
[imitates buzzer] Door opens.
This time it's staircase.
At the top of the staircase is this jacked Asian dude--
also before steroids
This man earned this fucking muscle...
in a Cambodian prison
I don't know where he found it.
And he had a gun obnoxiously hanging out his belt,
like absurdly.
You know when you see a terrible porn movie
and the guys delivering a pizza with his dick out?
And he's like, "Anybody order extra pepperoni?"
We knew what was going on, but we walk up the steps.
I look around. There's about 30 to 50 Asian women in lingerie,
some holding trays of beer,
some with their tits out like they're checking the weather.
And I'm like, "Oh, my God, this is the Washy Wash."
The Washy Wash is an infamous whorehouse in Philadelphia.
It's the Fenway Park of pussy.
But you have to be invited here.
You have to be invited by the animals.
The animals are letting me in their cage.
I'm being made into an animal.
And it hits me--I'm gonna have to have sex with a professional,
and I don't even masturbate like an amateur.
My head's like, "Dude, you don't have to do this."
My legs are like,
"The stairs are right there. Just walk down."
And my penis is like, "Why don't we just see what happens first?"
One dude goes, "I want that one."
He points at the only clothed old woman in the whole place.
[laughter]
That's the mama-san.
That's like having your selection
from any multicolored Lamborghini and be like,
"Yeah, you guys got a Ford Taurus with no tires?"
I mean old. She looked like a stack of mushrooms.
Like...
Just behind her, ten beautiful women line up.
This woman gets out of line, grabs my hand.
Probably 'cause I was 15, she was like,
"This kid's gonna come first.
We'll end both of our nightmares."
Starts walking me down the hallway,
and I'm looking back like a toddler
on his first day of preschool, like, "I don't want to go!"
'Cause I'm 15 and shitting myself.
And as I'm walking down the hallway this way,
coming this way are grown-ass men twice my age,
naked in towels.
But they're not towels. They're like dish towels.
You know what I mean? Like bar napkins.
So every, like, third or fourth step, you just see a hammer,
just a...
just a hammer would fly out.
Imagine Snuffleupagus trying to close a shower curtain.
[laughter]
So then she throws me into the room.
She gets right to business, right on top.
She puts my hands directly on her plastic Barbie-doll breasts.
And she jumps into cheat code one, which is moaning,
'cause she knows that shit will work, and it would normally,
but her moan was ridiculous.
Her moan just went, "Ooh.
"Ooh, ooh.
Ooh."
It sounded like the last puff of an air horn
in, like, a track meet, like...
[imitates horn blowing weakly]
Ken, this one's dead. We need another one.
[imitates horn blowing weakly]
She knows it's not working.
She flips me over. Now I'm on top.
She jumps into cheat code two-- complimentary mode.
She's like, "Why you so big?
You play football?"
I'm like, "I'm 5'6"!
"I'm, like, 80 fucking pounds.
"I smell like grass. I know you smell the grass.
It's in my teeth."
I know what she's doing.
But I looked her directly in the eyes, and I was like...
[softly] "Yeah, I'm a quarterback."
[laughter]
And then she starts looking in the corner,
and every time she looks in the corner, I look in the corner
'cause I don't know what fucking lurks
in the corners of this place.
But she's looking at the clock. She's trying to end this.
So, every time she looks at the clock, I look at the clock.
But when I look at the clock, I got to reboot the system.
I found my cheat code. It's a "do not come" cheat code.
So I'm just going up, down, left, right, look at the clock,
up, down, left, right, look at the clock.
I'm fucking crushing it!
All of a sudden, down the hallway, all you hear is...
[knocking] "Fucking not again."
This time all's you hear is, "Get out! Get out!"
The guy's like, "I paid!"
"Get out!" "I paid!"
Turns out, the guy who was trying to pick out the mama-san
used a fake credit card,
and now they're rounding us all up,
door by door, closer and closer.
[knocking]
She's looking at me, going, "Too long. Come now."
I'm like, "I'm trying! I'm trying!"
She's like, "Too long. Come now."
I'm like, "I'm trying!"
I mean, I can't piss
if my brother's on the same floor as me at this age.
She's yelling at me right here, like, "You come now! Too long!"
I'm like, "I'm fucking trying!"
[laughter]
Just shit myself!
Door after door-- "Get out! Get out!"
"Come now!" "Get out!"
"Come now!"
[grunting oddly] I'm just on the fucking homestretch.
Gets to my door. [knocking]
[imitates whoosh] Door flips open. She dismounts.
Look, I've seen the Olympics.
I've never seen a move like this before.
She rolled off of me completely nude,
came back up fully clothed, just...
And then disappears into the little light
in between the steroid guy and his gun in the doorway.
And I can't hear shit.
You know when you watch, like, a war movie
and there's a beach blast?
It's like... [imitates explosion, echoing]
And the guy's looking around for his arm, like...
[imitates explosion echoing]
Well, that's how I was, looking for my pants.
Like... [imitates explosion echoing]
I sit down. My heart's beating out of my chest.
I could see the dude just waiting for me.
And he picks his gun up,
and he's like, "You have 15 minutes."
He shuts the door, and I'm scared.
My hearing comes back. Down the hall, I hear...
[imitates woman shouting in foreign language]
Fucking mayhem.
I don't even know how to get out of this place.
I got no exit.
I'm frustrated, 'cause I've been rubbing genitals
with strange women for eight straight hours.
And I have anxiety through the roof.
But I know how to get rid of anxiety at that age.
So I look at myself in the mirror,
and for the first time that night,
I know exactly what to do.
I turn away from my own reflection,
and I feverishly masturbate.
Like the father of ten at a water park bathroom.
[laughter]
Sorry.
And then shit changed.
I was different. I was lighter.
I was different. I was a different person--
lighter on the feet, lighter in the balls.
I'm walking back down the hallway,
winking at guys three times my age, like,
"Have fun in there, kiddo."
I get outside. All my brother's friends are waiting for me.
You know that scene in "Goodfellas"
when Henry Hill doesn't rat on his friends
out in front of the courthouse?
And they're like, "You did it!"
They offered me a seat in the cab,
and I was like, "No, no, no. I'll take the back."
I didn't give a shit.
I jumped in the back of that pickup truck
like it was a fucking hot tub in Hawaii.
Smiling ear to ear, looking at the moon, like...
[howling wildly]
So, anytime I hear someone say, "Yeah, my family's crazy,"
I'm like, "Oh, yeah?
"So your first time available
"to sleep with a woman in high school
"were you kidnapped...
"thrown in the back of a pickup truck, taken to a whorehouse...
"manhandled by an Asian woman
"who screamed in your face to come...
"while her pimp just banged on the door with the butt of a gun
"'cause your brother's best friend
"created credit card fraud...
"so then you were forced to jerk off
"to your own dimly lit reflection...
"like a vulture,
and now you forever associate sex with fear and loneliness?"
"Or do they just drink wine coolers
and play Cards of Humanity?"
[laughter]
Thank you, guys. Great crowd.
[cheers and applause] - Tommy Pope, everybody.
[dark electronic music]