Growing up, my dad would say over and over again, don't make me tell you twice
and you know that kind of burned a hole in my mind. And as a parent today I'm
like, man kids don't make me tell you twice and I'm like perpetuating this
pattern realizing that you know kids do not always listen on the first go-around.
Kris Krohn here today on limitless TV and we're talking about how you get your
kids to listen on the first response. And you know what? there is some magic to
doing this and I'm going to in a sorta way bringing in some incredible
knowledge from one of my mentors Nick Lee impact that solved a huge problem in
my home.
So one of my children used to struggle with autism in a very profound way. My
wife and I we're super fortunate. We found this doctor on the East Coast and there
was nothing happens dance about it it really felt divinely inspired.
Dr. Betar, DrBetar.com on the East Coast has a center for advanced medicine.
Has literally cured thousands of little boys and girls of autism. And even
though today's video is not about that I remember that when I finished working
with this doctor over 2-year period of time he said, oh well Kris there's
nothing more that we can do for you and your son Kaiser at this point any
problems he has their behavioral. They're trained. He's gotten off the hook for
everything from where he was at. But today he can learn and so the most important
thing that you do now that the treatment is over is it's how you show up as a
parent. Well I'm going to tell you, I was struggling with four kids and Kaiser
being my second oldest he did not listen very much to what his dad had to say and
it was a struggle. And I remember that I would often get frustrated and I would
default to anger and ooohh! just get under my skin and yet it wasn't helping
getting angry didn't work. So you know what I did? I called in the big guns.
I hired a mentor this woman, Nicholeen Peck. People paid $25,000 to have that have her
come live in her home for three days and completely alter your family dynamic. And
I want to share with you two things that she taught me that made such a huge
difference on learning how to create a positive affirmative response from a
child every time that you have a request. And there's something for me to do and
there's something for them to do so there's two skills to be learned. The
first is a skill that the parent needs to learn. Her whole program is called,
calm parenting. If you want a child to listen to you, then you get to learn how
to ask in an emotionally uncharged way. That means that you don't have to kick
and scream you don't get to threat you just get to ask. Calmly. Now this is
where I needed training because children respond very different to uncalm parents. You
might not know this because most dangerous information is what you don't
know. What you may not know here is is that your emotional state
normal to you but maybe producing an adverse effect that you want from a
child. So your job is to learn how to be what? Yeah,you've got to learn how to be
calm. So for me, that's breathing and keeping my cool on what it is I want. The
second skill though is for the child to learn and this is all about accepting
answers. Okay so a child that learns how to accept a no answer or a yes answer is
a functional child. And how do you motivate them to do that? Well there's
all sorts of theories but I want to share with you what Nicholeen taught me
she called it consequences. Learning to self-government yourself. Self-governance
is understanding that every choice carries with it a consequence. Now she
doesn't do time out and she doesn't take money away from you or she doesn't spank
or do any kind of capital punishment or corporal punishment or any of that kind
of punishment. What she does instead is, the consequences that you get to earn
extra chores. Working is a good thing for everyone to learn you earn a chore. So
if I am called and they ask my child to do something and they don't give me the
response I calmly look at them and say you've earned a chore. Now this does not
make children at first very happy. So the most important thing to do is to sit
down and create a precedence with the child. Is to say, hey family we're doing
an all new system and I'm making a commitment to learn how to be a comp
errant otherwise my consequences I get to earn chores and you can call me on it.
You, is the children I'm going to ask you to do things and you get to give me calm
yes answers or no answers and there is no no answer to a parent. You get to say
yes because your child and that's one of the skills that you're learning is that
that is the appropriate answer and you have to learn how to accept those
answers. Similarly, if you ask me a question, I say no you get to learn how
to accept that answer as well and any time that you do not remain calm and
accept the answer appropriately, no worries you just you earn a chore. You
get to do a chore. Now when you start doing the system your children going to
start earning chores. Two things are going to happen the house is going to get
cleaner but the second thing is your child might go into a bit of a tirade
because they're upset that they were given a consequence.
Only issue one consequence and maybe put them in a quiet timeout place
to calm down, learn how to self-govern it themselves and then when they're calm
ask them to do the chore. When the chores done they should come to you and check
back and ask, if there's anything else that they can do? That's it. That's the
system. So step one, I want you to focus on learning how to be a calm parent make
your requests calmly. Number two, teach your child how to an accept an
appropriate response. So for example, if the answer for me is yes or no the child
gets to say okay. If I ask the child to do something they also get to say okay.
If they don't give me either those responses in either those situations
they're earning a chore. And if they're upset about it then they get to calm
down and then do the chore and then the pattern gets to repeat. This has really
created a very different dynamic in my home. My children for the most part say
okay and when they don't the house gets cleaner. Sometimes they throw a little
bit of a tantrum. But you know what? That's okay.
They get to calm down, learn how to emotionally regulate, and then they get
to go do the chore. Now when your children get older and they understand
this pattern some of these kids are pretty smart. Then you get to upgrade the
chore to something called a major maintenance. So I have my daughter now
who's 11 years old going on 40. And she understands the system in and out she
can manipulate it. She knows that she gets to say okay or she gets to, There's
an appropriate way for her to argue, she can ask to disagree appropriately and
give me her feedback but at this point one of the things that happens if she
really throws a tantrum or a mess at her age, who knows the system, then she earns
a really big chore. That's what, that's what Nicholeen calls a major maintenance.
Now I've just given you ten hours of content condensed in just a few minutes
here. Nicholeen Peck is an amazing woman. You can certainly learn more about her
and what she does but if you want to start having calm children that are
accepting your answers it starts with you becoming calm and then watch this
video again. Take notes on the system and try it out and have fun with it. I think
you'll quickly see that your children start responding very different to you
on the very first ask.
Lookup Nicholeen Peck. Watch this video again. What I
shared was simple and compact but you know what? in this tiny little video is
this system that if you can be consistent with one of the very
important keys it's going to help you change the dynamic. The thing I love
about dancing is that it only takes one person to start dancing different or not
at all to shift the entire dynamic. That's what happens in your home when
you change up the strategy and mix things up. And there might be some
temporary chaos that people throw in fits but they're going to quickly get
the picture because there's a consequence that they may not want. Now
make sure that you are a subscriber. Woohoo! if you already are. Because tomorrow, I'm
going to be sending a notification when my next video hits which is on the power
of positivity. And I'm gonna go deep on this one and I got a little bit of a
rant coming up inside so make sure you are there for it.
Because you know? what I'm really excited to share with you what is really
possible with a little bit of positivity.