(upbeat hip hop music)
- Welcome to "On The Ropes".
I'm your host, Yamaneika.
Your mama so dumb, she went to go see Nickelback
with a change purse.
That was an example of a roast.
A snap, a diss, and if you're old enough to remember
when ashtrays were on airplanes,
you may call it the dozens.
But no matter what you call it,
"On The Ropes" is a competition show just for you.
Let's meet our two contestants.
(upbeat hip hop music)
In this corner, they put the question mark in LGBTQ.
And if you squint, they kind of look like a lady.
Give it up for Elsa "Bad Dude" Eli Waithe.
(all cheering)
- [Man] Let's go, Champ, let's go, Champ!
- And in this corner,
Philly's finest black and mild,
weighing in at seven F-boys and a partridge in a pear tree.
Give it up
for Chanel "My hair doesn't go with this outfit" Ali.
(all cheering)
Okay, for this first round fight,
you won't just be roasting each other.
This is a royal rumble, head to toe.
And in this round, each contestant will get an opportunity
to roast their opponent from the top of their head
to the bottom of their feet.
We are going to start with our challenger, Chanel.
Are you ready, Chanel?
- Ready.
- Okay, give me 30 seconds on the clock.
Ready, set, roast.
- Why Elsa look like Celie
if she never got out "The Color Purple"?
(all laughing)
I mean, I'm just saying your shoes look
like you don't know how much your rent is every month.
I mean, I just, what size shirt do you wear, almost men's?
Just trying to figure it out.
Like, how poor are you?
(all laughing)
You my friend.
I'm just adding in stuff.
Your hair is so dry.
Coronavirus need to kill us so we can start over.
Just pandemic chop it up.
- That's time, oh, man.
Chanel, you really friends with her?
- Not no more.
- Ah, man, that's crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy.
What a friendship.
All right, Elsa, you ready to bring the heat?
- I got it.
- All right, it's your turn, now.
We're going to put 30 seconds on the clock.
Elsa, ready, set, roast.
- Not the bang.
Your nose ring look like a hula hoop.
Why she look like live, laugh love?
She look like she wrote her roast jokes with glitter pen.
Why you look like you collect beanie babies?
Your cheeks look soft.
Do you wanna get some drinks after this?
- Yes, yes!
- Your cheeks look soft. - [Yamaneika] That's time.
Oh, my God.
- [Man] Her cheeks look soft.
- What, yeah, I know, like, what, are you mackin'?
(all laughing)
What was that about?
You guys look like you met at Afro-punk.
(all laughing)
All right, this is round two.
The topic is solo dolo.
In this round, each contestant will roast their opponent
on exactly why they are single.
Now I can tell you why,
but can they?
We're going to start with our challenger Chanel.
Chanel, you got 30 seconds on the clock.
Chanel, ready, set, roast.
- Elsa is still single because all of her exes
keep getting sober.
(all laughing)
Elsa likes to predatorily trap barren white women
on Plenty Of Fish, and then she robs them.
Elsa,
Elsa carries around a backpack that's got a,
in it, and it is not proportional to her body.
It's a lie, Elsa's lying.
Elsa is always saying, love teeth.
You know what they don't like?
Being called.
They don't like that.
(bell ringing)
- That's time.
(all cheering)
All right, Elsa.
You got a dildo in your book bag?
- Stay trap.
- That's what I like to hear.
All right, Elsa, we're going to put 30 seconds on the clock.
It's all about why Chanel is solo dolo.
Elsa. - Yeah?
- Ready, set, roast.
- Chanel single 'cause she texts 17 times a day.
Chanel single 'cause that bang is detachable.
Chanel single 'cause she's aggravating.
(all laughing)
Chanel single because her nose can smell mouse farts.
(all laughing)
Chanel single because she suck with teeth.
(Chanel laughing) (bell ringing)
- That's time.
- You said that.
- Oh, man, yeah.
You know what, let's throw a little monkey wrench
into the pot.
Why don't you guys take 30 seconds a piece
and tell me why I'm single?
(all laughing)
Let's put 30 seconds on the clock.
Elsa.
- We both going, or just me?
Me first.
- Just you right now, Elsa.
Elsa, 30 seconds on the clock,
ready, set, roast.
- You single 'cause butter is not an acceptable lube.
(all laughing)
You single right now 'cause restaurants is closed
and you angry.
You single right now because
they ran out of sandpaper for your face.
You single right now because you brush your teeth
with goat's hair.
(bell ringing)
- That's time, Elsa, great job.
(all cheering)
All right, Chanel, you ready to come at me?
- No.
(all laughing)
- I think you can do it.
- I'm not prepared.
- Get prepared. - All right.
- All right, let's put 30 seconds on the clock for Chanel.
Chanel, ready, set, roast me!
- You're single because you bought your wig off Amazon,
and it got delivered today.
It came so fast, the seller was like,
"Who bought it, in New York?
"That stink."
You single because every time you try to choke him, he dies.
You single because you cannot figure out
the privacy settings on Facebook.
You single because you won't text me back.
And it's like, text me back, and then we can go out.
You single because my man keeps showing me
what you sent him. (bell ringing)
- Ah, time!
I told her not to tell.
(all laughing)
That was great, guys! - [Chanel] That was fun.
- I love being roasted.
All right, so now we are taking it back to the streets.
Yes, they are going to fight each other, but through snaps.
Each one gets 30 seconds to go in hard on the other.
And we're going to let them do it twice.
You ladies, them/they ready?
(all laughing)
Y'all ready?
All right, Chanel, 30 seconds on the clock for you,
want you to go super, super hard, okay?
Ready, set, roast.
- Elsa look like a dirty chia pet.
(all laughing)
Like, if a chia pet didn't ask you for water,
but money instead.
(all laughing)
It's crazy, you look
like Whoopi Goldberg's cousin's partner.
(all laughing)
Elsa look like she show up this Thanksgiving
talking about "Call me Elias now".
(all laughing)
Elsa will show up to the Black function
with a white girl saying,
"She got a book, she going to read it in the corner."
(all laughing)
Elsa's not like every lesbian, she's a Chapstick lesbian.
It's always rough.
- Yeah!
(bell dinging)
That's time, yes!
Yes!
Oh, man, Elsa, she got you so hard
because your lips are so dry.
(all laughing)
But Elsa, we're going to give you an opportunity
to roast Chanel, you ready to do it?
- I'm ready.
- All right, we're going to give Elsa 30 seconds
on the clock.
Elsa, ready, set, roast.
- Chanel bang is a communal bang.
She got to get that back to the home girls.
(all laughing)
Her nose could smell the future.
Chanel look like she like to cook,
but all her food nasty.
(all laughing)
Chanel look like she wear baby shoes.
(all laughing)
- [Yamaneika] Come on.
- Chanel got negative booty.
(all laughing)
- And that's time!
(all cheering)
Damn, man, Chanel, I told you to pad your ass today.
- I know.
- All right, Chanel,
we're going to give you another opportunity
to rock Elsa, 'cause Elsa damn sure rocked you,
but you got her the first round as well.
So let's give Chanel 30 seconds on the clock.
Chanel, ready, set roast.
- Elsa, you look like you smell like weed.
Looking at you is the strongest anti-drug ad I've ever seen.
(all laughing)
Like, it could happen to you too.
I mean, you look like, I have words.
You so ugly.
- Yes, that's it!
- You so ugly, every time I look at you,
I be like, stop!
(all laughing)
I'm not that mean!
- Be mean, come on! (bell ringing)
- Elsa!
- That's time, oh, man.
- [Chanel] I take it, I take it.
- Damn, why couldn't you go in on how ugly Elsa is?
- I am, I am, I'm very ugly, I'm very ugly.
- Elsa is so ugly, she look like her daddy
said "beetle juice" three times before he.
(all laughing)
- It's true, it's true.
- Elsa, all right.
You think you got this?
'Cause you know it's close.
- I think I got it.
- All right, you gonna rock her?
- I think I got it.
- All right, okay, all right.
Let's give Elsa 30 seconds on the clock.
Elsa, ready, set, roast!
- Chanel oh, flat booty. (laughs)
I think Chanel...
- Come on.
- She stuff that bra, that's not real.
(all laughing)
I feel like...
Oh, me in the ass.
- Call me ugly, call me ugly!
Tell them I'm ugly!
- Chanel ugly too. (bell ringing)
- That's time.
- Did y'all hear that?
- Oh, Elsa, Elsa, Elsa!
It was right there.
It was right there, and listen, Elsa,
look at Chanel.
- [Elsa] She brush her teeth with moose hair.
- No, it's too late!
Man, oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man!
Man, I mean, you had a hiccup there.
You had some hiccups.
Elsa, you had some burners.
Chanel had burners.
All right.
I've made my decision, America.
The winner of "On The Ropes"
is Chanel Ali!
(all cheering)
(upbeat hip hop music)
- Thank you, yeah!
This is heavy! - It's heavy,
heavy as you!
- I feel thick!
(Yamaneika laughing)
I have a booty now, I can feel it!
It's growing!
- How did you feel going up against Elsa,
Elsa's a tough competitor here.
- Elsa is tough.
Elsa has six Instagram pictures.
(all laughing)
There's nothing there, I did magic, I'm exhausted.
- You guys think you'll still be friends after this?
- Hell yeah, we gonna smoke right after this.
- Right after this.
- Oh, we smoking, okay, well, ladies and gentlemen,
we'll see you next round on "On The Ropes"!
(intense hip hop music)
(upbeat hip hop music)