Hey God, going somewhere?
Yeah Jeffrey, I could use a little vacation.
Oh, getting tired of granting wishes and cursing people?
Jeffrey it's called
performing miracles and
smiting people.
Whats the difference?
Well, one is just bullshit magic, while the other is-
-shit genies and magicians do?
Haha, very funny.
Look, I'm gonna need you to look over things while I'm gone.
Oh?
Yeah, and I'm gonna need you to run things exactly like I would so that the
transition is seamless to mankind.
Okay, sure. Have fun, God. Call me when you get there.
Not so fast, you need training first.
Training?
Yeah, I need to make sure you can handle the universe while I'm gone.
I'm sure I can manage
Okay, so what's the most
important thing about being me?
Pretending like you don't exist?
Natural disasters.
Oh?
Yeah, you see, people are gonna piss you off
so you're gonna want to use natural
disasters to set them straight.
(grunting)
Welcome, everybody, uh
t-to the show. W-with all these
uh, homosexuals
uh, getting married and no prayer in schools and what not
uh, i-it's no wonder
we're getting the most
powerful
hurricanes
we've ever seen.
So, you think the recent hurricanes were a message from God, Pat?
Pat?
No no no no no no no no no!
(defibrillator charging)
(defibrillator discharging)
But y-you're darn tootin'
uh, it's a message from God.
Oh, wow. This whole time I thought it was just climate change.
It is.
It's the creator of the universe
changing the climate because teachers no longer tell
school children to mumble to me.
And because people stick the wrong body parts into the wrong holes?
Exactly.
Okay, now you take over and show me what you've got. I'll be you're co-God until you get it right.
Okay, let's see.
Oh, there's a guy stealing an old lady's purse over there in Cleveland.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
but look over there in Syracuse. The ACLU
prevented a Ten Commandments monument from going up on government property.
How would you, as God, handle the situation?
Um, I wouldn't do anything.
Y-you're supposed to pretend you're me.
Earthquake?
Rookie mistake. There's no good fault lines in Syracuse.
But, you're God.
Okay, okay. We'll go with an earthquake.
But what you're gonna want to do, as me, is
shake up a fault line way out in the Pacific Ocean that will cause a tsunami
to slam Japan.
What?
But that doesn't make any sense. Who would make such a ridiculous connection?
Uh, Japan, uh, was just rocked by a terrible tsunami,
uh, and it just goes to show that maybe people at the ACLU
uh, should stop trying to suppress the Lord.
Oh my God.
Okay, I think you get the idea.
Uh, I'll be back in a couple of weeks.
(thunder)
Holy crap, is that a tornado?
Yep.
It didn't cause no damage.
Nope.
Is that tornado following Bob?
Yep.
(gun fire) Allahu Akbar!
Oh, hello?
All over the world evil people are being injured or killed by very localised natural disasters that don't harm
anybody else.
Uh, I've never seen anything like this. I mean,
uh,
could this be that climate change that scientismists
a-are always talking about?
I don't know, Pat.
But the latest Pew survey shows that 100 percent of people believe in God now.
Uh, bizzare.
What the hell is going on here?
What do you mean?
What's wrong?
Why am I getting prayers from school children who weren't told to pray to me by government employees?
Uh, isn't that a good thing?
No! Look at all those people down there acting like they actually
believe in me rather than just saying they do.
Why the hell is church attendance up ten thousand percent?
B-but I-i thought that's what you wanted.
Not like this.
Jeffrey, when an atheist puts up a billboard in Florida
you're supposed to slam Florida with a massive
category 5 hurricane. You don't just hit him with a lightning bolt.
But-but the Florida is 84% Christian.
Jeffrey, God doesn't do drone strikes. God does nukes.
Capisce?
But why?
First of all, it's hella mysterious.
I need to stay hidden and not show too much of a method to the madness
or it will affect people's free will.
No, it won't. They'll just understand the consequences better.
They'll understand you better. Hell, people already use crappy arguments from order and design to point to your existence.
Besides, people like Pat Robertson and Jim Baker and Brian Fisher have been going on television for years and
attributing specific natural disasters to your displeasure with some person or event. People have always done that.
Yeah, but it wasn't as obvious as you're making it.
When I slam people with a flood and a hundred percent of the people who died are good Christians
they'll still blame the atheists and homos.
And, 'In God We Trust' bumper sticker sales will go up by like 25%.
It's a win-win, Jeffrey.
Wait a minute.
So, it's okay when God does punishment with tons of collateral damage
despite being omnipotent and omnibenevolent?
Yet, being very precise and specifically targeting only the actual transgressors is somehow
unfeasible for the most competent, most powerful, most just,
benevolent being in all of existence.
(volcanic eruption)
Did-did you just destroy Hawaii with a volcanic eruption?
Yep.
There's a Macy's employee in Chicago who clearly just said Happy Holidays.
That's because there are other holidays this time of year besides Christmas.
THERE IS ONLY CHRISTMAS.
Uh, well folks, Hawaii no longer exists.
Uh, I-i hate to say I told you so right after such a
uh, devastating tragedy, but,
uh, this could have been avoided if y'all just
boycotted Macy's
uh, like I told you to.
Good point, Pat.
Pat?
(clicks fingers)
(defibrillator charging)
(defibrillator discharging)
Good point, Pat.
Pat?
Uh, w-well, it looks like the plasma clans
uh, water reserves finally
uh, d-d-d-d-dried up, dried up.
Now that the, uh, wild land drought is in year 20, uh, I-i said it time and time again
uh, God is punishing them for erecting that monument, uh, to the great mutant.
Okay.
Katherine Bear Killer of the Forbidden Forest says
Heavens, no!
Y-you're not being unreasonable.
Listen. Marriage is between a man and a woman. Uh, preferably Christians.
I-i would suggest, that, uh, maybe you could wait until the mutant is
uh, distracted during his moulting process
o-or hibernating or something a-and then you can shoot 'em, with a plasma rifle.
Hey everyone. I'd appreciate it if you watched an important video
I uploaded to my other channel, DarkAntics. The video is called 'Should You Worry About Violent Atheists?'
and it's a response to Stefan Molyneux
but the response format is mainly used as a vehicle to debunk some common
misconceptions about atheists and the effects of atheism in general. The video has a lot of good data
and it needs to gain more traction online.
It is not meant to prove any sort of
supremacy, not meant to show atheism is beneficial and religion harmful
but what it does show is a clear undeniable correlation between atheism and non-violence, and a correlation between religion and
violence. This is not to say that one necessarily causes the other but it is to show how you can reliably predict
according to the overwhelming majority of the evidence that atheism won't cause violence or instability and
religion won't cause peace and prosperity.
Check it out. Spread it around, please. Help stop the rampant
stigmatisation of non-believers.
Thank you.