PLEASE SIT DOWN, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS-- (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: EVERY DAY IT SEEMS LIKE WE FIND OUT ABOUT ANOTHER
HIGH-PROFILE SEXUAL HARASSER.
AND TODAY IS NO EXCEPTION.
BRACE YOURSELF, BECAUSE IT IS SENATOR AL FRANKEN.
HE'S BEEN ACCUSED OF KISSING AND GROPING A WOMAN WITHOUT HER
CONSENT.
COME ON, FRANKEN!
I GUESS THERE ARE NO GOOD PEOPLE LEFT SO LET'S JUST GET IT OVER
WITH.
JUST TELL US WHATEVER YOU DID, JIMMY CARTER, BARACK OBAMA, TOM
HANKS, MALALA.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Jon: OH MY.
>> Stephen: AS A FELLOW COMEDIAN I LONG ADMIRED AL
FRANKEN BUT I GOT TO SAY THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR LOUIS
C.K.'S SENATE HOPES.
(LAUGHTER) HERE ARE THE DETAILS.
STRAP IN.
WHILE TOURING WITH THE USO IN 2006 FRANKEN YET A SKETCH WHERE
HE GOT TO KISS THE FEMALE EMCEE LEANN TWEED EN, ACCORDING TO
TWEEDEN DURING REHEARSAL HE CAME AT HER, PUT HIS HAND ON THE BACK
OF HER HEAD, MASHED HIS LIPS AGAINST HERS AND AGGRESSIVELY
STUCK HIS TONGUE IN HER MOUTH.
NOW FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT IN SHOWBIZ, ACTORS CALL THAT
TECHNIQUE, SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
AND IT DIDN'T STOP THEREMENT ON THE WAY HOME FROM THE TOUR, SHE
FELL ASLEEP ON THE PLANE AND FRANKEN DECIDED TO TAKE THIS
GOOFY PIC.
OH BOY.
THAT IS ADMISSIBLE EVIDENCE.
SO THIS IS BAD.
FRANKEN HAS RESPONDED SAYING I CERTAINLY DON'T REMEMBER THE
REHEARSAL FOR THE SKIT IN THE SAME WAY BUT I SEND MY SINCEREST
APOLOGIES TO LEANN.
AS TO THE PHOTO, IT WAS CLEARLY INTENDED TO BE FUNNY BUT WASN'T.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.
OKAY, INTENDED TO BE FUNNY BUT WASN'T.
NO.
YOUR MOVIE INSTITUTE SAVES HIS FAMILY WAS INTENDED TO BE FUNNY
BUT WASN'T.
THAT PHOTO WAS INTENDED TO EMBARRASS HER.
THAT'S WHY HE DID IT WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP.
NOBODY GOES UP TO THEIR BUDDY WHEN IS HE AWAKE AND SAYS HEY,
CAN I DRAW A PENIS ON YOUR FOREHEAD.
FRANKEN LATER RELEASED A MORE COMPLETE APOLOGY IN WHICH HE
SAID I'M ASKING THAT AN ETHICS INVESTIGATION BE UNDERTAKEN.
AND I WILL GLADLY COOPERATE.
WELL, THAT'S NICE.
IT WOULD BE WRONG IN IF AN ETHICS INVESTIGATION WAS DONE
WITHOUT HIS CONSENT.
OF COURSE, FRANKEN IS JUST THE LATEST POLITICIAN ACCUSED OF
SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
ALL WEEK WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT ALABAMA SENATE CANDIDATE
AND MAN WITHOUT BUYS HIS WARDROBE AT PARTY CITY, ROY
MOORE.
(LAUGHTER) YESTERDAY, YOU REMEMBER,
YESTERDAY FOUR, FOUR, COUNT THEM, FOUR MORE WOMEN ACCUSED
HIM OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT BRINGING THE GRAND TOTAL TO WAY
TOO MANY.
(LAUGHTER) AND GOOD NEWS FOR MOORE, ONE OF
YESTERDAY'S ACCUSERS WAS NOT A MINOR.
WHOOO?
I DID NOT EXPECT THAT.
THIS WOMAN WAS 28 WHEN SHE HIRED MOORE TO HANDLE A CUSTODY
PETITION AND WHEN SHE WENT TO HIS OFFICE TO SIGN THE PAPERS HE
ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT HER YOUNG DAUGHTERS.
AND IF THEY WERE AS PRETTY AS SHE WAS.
WELL THAT'S JUST FAMILY VALUES.
AND THAT EVAL US DATING YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.
ANOTHER NEW ACCUSER SAYS THAT MOORE HIT ON HER WHEN SHE WAS
17.
AND WORKING AS A HOSTESS AT RED LOBSTER.
UH.
THAT IS DISGUSTING.
RED LOBSTER.
(LAUGHTER) GOD INTENDED SHRIMP TO BE
LIMITED.
APPARENTLY, NO ONE HAS THE UNLIMITED SHRIMP?
ALL RIGHT.
APPARENTLY MOORE ASKED THE TEEN OUT AND SHE SAID DO YOU KNOW HOW
OLD I AM.
TO WHICH HE RESPONDED, YEAH, I GO OUT WITH GIRLS YOUR AGE ALL
THE TIME.
TO WHICH I RESPOND, AGGH-- REMEMBER, MONDAY WE
LEARNED THAT MOORE HAD BEEN BANNED FROM HIS LOCAL MALL AND
APPARENTLY HIS BEHAVIOR WAS SO BAD THAT SEARS HAD A WHOLE ROY
MOORE PROTOCOL.
ONE STORE MANAGER TOLD NEW HIRES TO WATCH OUT FOR THIS GUY.
AND MOORE'S BEHAVIOR CAUSED WOMEN TO HIDE FROM HIM WHEN HE
CAME IN THE SEARS.
OKAY.
WELCOME TO TRAINING, COUPLE THING TO THE REMEMBER, ALWAYS
WEAR YOUR NAME BADGE ON THE FLOOR, OKAY.
YOU GOT TO CASH OUT BEFORE YOU PUNCH OUT.
AND IF YOU SEE ROY MOORE, PRETEND TO BE A MANNEQUIN.
(LAUGHTER) DON'T BLINK OR HE WILL KNOW YOU
ARE A REAL GIRL.
>> Jon: OH MY.
>> Stephen: AND OF COURSE BECAUSE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ROY
MOORE, THESE SEARS EMPLOYEES WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
ONE OF THE WOMEN SAYS THAT MOORE ASKED HER WHERE SHE WENT TO
SCHOOL AND THEN FOR HER PHONE NUMBER.
WHICH SHE SAYS SHE DECLINED TO GIVE TELLING HIM THAT HER FATHER
WAS A SOUTHERN BAPTIST PREACHER, WOULD NEVER APPROVE.
BUT THAT DID NOT STOP MOORE.
A FEW DAYS LATER ITS GIRL WAS SUM MONDAYED TO THE PRINCIPAL'S
OFFICE OVER THE INTERCOME IN HER CLASSROOM.
SHE HAD A PHONE CALL.
PHSSHHT, PLEASE REPORT TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, AN
UNIDENTIFIED WEIRDO IS CALLING FOR A HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENT.
I HAVE NO PROBLEM MAKING THIS HAPPEN BECAUSE I'M TERRIBLE AT
MY JOB.
THAT IS ALL.
AND THE CALL-- (APPLAUSE)
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
AND THE CALL DIDN'T GO SO GREAT.
SHE ANSWERED THE PHONE AND THE MALE ON THE OTHER LINE SAID
GENA, THIS IS ROY MOORE.
I WAS LIKE WHAT.
HE SAID WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I SAID I'M IN TRIG CLASS.
(LAUGHTER) THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
ROY MOORE ACTUALLY MADE TRIGONOMETRY THE MORE APPEALING
OPTION.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
ALL THESE ALLEGATIONS HAVE PUT REPUBLICANS IN A TOUGH POSITION.
THEY WANT TO HOLD ON TO THE SENATE BUT THEY DON'T WANT TO
BACK A PERV.
THAT'S WHY SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND INSPIRATION FOR THE
SAD FACE EMOJI MITCH McCONNELL, HE THINKS ATTORNEY
GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS SHOULD RUN AGAINST MOORE AS A WRITE-IN
CANDIDATE.
>> HE FITS THE MOLD OF SOMEBODY WHO MIGHT BE ABLE TO PULL OFF A
WRITE-IN.
THE ALABAMAN WHO WOULD, YOU KNOW, FIT THAT STANDARD WOULD BE
THE ATTORNEY GENERAL, WHO IS TOTALLY WELL-KNOWN AND EXTREMELY
POPULAR IN ALABAMA.
>> Stephen: YES, WELL-KNOWN AND EXTREMELY POPULAR IN ALABAMA
ARE THE ONLY CRITERIA.
IN THAT CASE YOUR OTHER CHOICES ARE FORREST GUMP, A STATUE OF
BEAR BRYANT OR A JUG OF SWEET TEA WITH SUNGLASSES.
BUT IT IS GOING TO BE SWEET TEA.
>> I LIKE FORREST.
>> Stephen: BUT MOORE ISN'T AFRAID OF THE WASHINGTON
REPUBLICANS TWEETING DEAR MITCH McCONNELL, BRING IT ON.
A STRONG SENTIMENTS LEADING THE HEAD OF THE NATIONAL REPUBLICAN
SENATORIAL COMMITTEE TO TWEET BRING IT ON IS A MOVIE ABOUT
HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADERS.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Jon: NO, OH.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Jon: A LITTLE TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT THERE.
>> Stephen: TO WHICH ROY MOORE REPLIED, AND?
WELL, MOORE IS FIGHTING BACK.
YESTERDAY ONE OF HIS ATTORNEYS HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE
INTENDING TO PUT ALL OF THIS BEHIND THEM.
>> I'VE BEEN WITH HIM IN PROBABLY OVER A HUNDRED
DIFFERENT MEETINGS AND BEEN AROUND PROBABLY IN EXCESS OF
10,000 DIFFERENT LADIES IN JUDGE'S MOORE PRESENCE AND NOT
ONCE, NOT ONE TIME HAVE I EVER SEEN HIM ACT EVEN REMOTELY
INAPPROPRIATE AGAINST ANY WOMAN.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T SEE IT YOU WEREN'T IN
THEIR TRIGONOMETRY CLASS.
BUT THE MAIN-- THE MAIN-- (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THRUST, THE MAIN THRUST OF YESTERDAY'S PRESS
CONFERENCE WAS MOORE'S ATTORNEY TRYING TO DISCREDIT A KEY PIECE
OF EVIDENCE.
ONE OF THE ACCUSER'S HIGH SCHOOL YEAR BOOK WHICH MOORE SIGNED.
>> RELEASE THE YEAR BOOK SO THAT WE CAN DETERMINE IS IT GENUINE
OR IS IT A FRAUD.
>> Stephen: YEAH, IT COULD BE A FRAUD.
LET'S COMPARE ROY MOORE'S KNOWN SIGNATURES, OKAY, UP HERE, KNOWN
SIGNATURES WITH THAT IN THE YEAR BOOK, SEE?
THREE TOTALLY DIFFERENT SIGNATURES BY THE SAME GUY.
(APPLAUSE) NOW THE WOMAN, THE WOMAN'S
ATTORNEY SAYS THEY MIGHT LET INDEPENDENT HANDWRITING EXPERTS
LOOK AT THE YEAR BOOK BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I TOOK A COLLEGE
COURSE IN HANDWRITING ANALYSIS.
AND I THINK I COULD HELP, NOW LET'S SEE, LIKE RIGHT NOW IF YOU
LOOK UP HERE, TURN THIS ON IT'S SIDE, HERE IS THE SIGNATURE I
FOUND HERE.
IF YOU LOOK AT THE WIDE LOOP OF THE R UP HERE, THAT IS A CLASSIC
FORENSIC INDICATOR THAT THE ACCUSED MIGHT BE HIDING
SOMETHING PLUS THE ELONGATED Y LOOP DOWN HERE, THIS STEM DOWN
HERE TELLS US HE HAS NO PROBLEM ENCROACHING ON THE SPACE OF
OTHERS.
NOW THERE'S ANOTHER VERY SMALL INDICATOR, AND THIS IS EXTREMELY
TECHNICAL BUT IF YOU LOOK REALLY CLOSELY, IT'S WRITTEN IN A
GIRL'S HIGH SCHOOL YEAR BOOK.
HE'S A PRE-VERT.
(APPLAUSE) TODAY ROY MOORE HELD ANOTHER
PRESS CONFERENCE AND BEGAN WITH A STORY ABOUT SOME ADVICE A
SEASONED JUDGE GAVE HIM IN IS EARLY DAYS IN POLITICS.
>> WHAT YOU NEED TO DID IS HAVE, EYEGLASSES THAT SHOWS PEOPLE
THAT YOU STUDY A LOT AND READ A LOT.
THEN HE SAID AND THEN YOU HAVE TO HAVE ONE OTHER THING, HE SAID
WELL YOU HAVE TO HAVE HEMORRHOIDS.
I SAID WHY.
HE SAID WELL TRK GIVES YOU A CONCERNED LOOK.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: LIKE THIS?
(LAUGHTER) ARE YOU HOLDING A PRESS
CONFERENCE ABOUT YOUR BUTT HOLE?
AND MOORE BLASTED THE MEDIA FOR FOCUSING ON HIM.
>> TODAY WE GOT A CALL FROM ONE BIG MAGAZINE, THAT Y'ALL
RECOGNIZE IF I SAY THE NAME.
I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT.
>> Stephen: I WILL SAY IT, IT'S BARELY LEGAL AND THEY'RE
LOOKING FOR A NEW EDITOR IN CHIEF.
BUT MOORE WAS DEFIANT.
>> THERE'S BEEN COMMENTS ABOUT ME TAKING A STAND.
YES, I HAVE TAKEN A STAND IN THE PAST.
I WILL TAKE A STAND IN THE FUTURE.
AND I WILL QUIT STANDING WHEN THEY LAY ME IN THAT BOX AND PUT
ME IN THE GROUND.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN TAKE MY TEENAGE SALES CLERK WHEN YOU PRY
HER FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS.