Myths are not stories that are untrue...
Rather, they are tales that don't fit neatly into the historical record...
Which serve as a foundation to a culture.
As the sun rose and shafts of light slanted into the halls of Asgard,
Thor, the strongest of all the gods and scourge of giants and frost monsters everywhere
snorted, rolled over in his bed and reached instinctively for his mighty hammer,
which he had used in many a battle.
But his fingers closed on nothing.
For while Thor slept, his mighty hammer Mjolnir had been stolen.
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Thor awoke in a fury, the hairs on his beard bristling, and he called to his brother.
"Loki! Loki!"
"This is a disaster!" he shouted, "my mighty hammer Mjolnir has been stolen!"
Now, everyone in Asgard, the realm of the gods, knew that if Thor was the brawn, Loki was the brains,
and he persuaded Thor to calm down because they needed cool heads.
Then Loki suggested they go visit the goddess Freyja,
and ask to borrow her magic cloak to help gather information.
Once they reached Freyja, Loki explained the stolen hammer situation
and asked if she would lend him her magical feathered cloak so that Loki could fly to better search for the thief.
Freyja agreed, so long as Loki promised to bring it back once he'd finished with it.
And agreeing to these terms Loki donned the cloak, adorned with the feathers of one hundred hawks,
then spread his arms and flew.
The sun stuck sparks from the cloak as he swooped and soared
and soon he found himself in the land of the giants, where he suddenly heard laughter.
It came from Thrym, the frost giant who sat holding his dogs on golden leads.
Thrym recognized Loki, and asked how things were going with the gods over in Asgard
and why had Loki come to visit him alone.
"Let's cut to the chase," Loki said. "You know all too well how things are in Asgard."
"Where have you hidden Thor's hammer?"
The frost giant smiled knowingly, and suggested that this was the point when negotiations began.
And he would kick them off by naming his terms for the hammer's safe return.
And having no choice, Loki agreed.
"I have buried Thor's hammer 8 miles deep in the earth."
"And all the gods have to do to get it back is give me the hand of Freyja in marriage.
Loki stood for a moment and then shrugged,
partially at the absurdity of the request, and partially because poor Thrym had clearly not met Freyja,
whose temper was as fierce as she was beautiful, and who would not take kindly to this proposal.
He then took his leave and flew back to Asgard to relay Thrym's demands.
Once home, Loki called a meeting of all the gods and goddesses to discuss what he had learned,
and they nervously gathered in Thor's hall.
For they all knew that without Thor wielding his hammer to defend them, their time in Asgard would be short.
Loki then broke the news: Thrym the frost giant had stolen the hammer.
And it would never be seen again unless Freyja became his bride.
"Sounds fair to me!" said Thor.
But Freyja eye's flashed. Such was the anger at the suggestion
that she should marry a giant and have no choice in the matter,
that the walls of the hall shook and her necklace burst, sending the gods diving for cover
as golden ember beads flew through the air like flaming bullets in the torchlight.
Then Heimdall, the watchman, wisest of the gods, stood up carefully and said he had an idea.
If Thrym wants Freyja, then they should send him "Freyja."
See, the frost giant wasn't exactly blessed in the brains department,
so if they should put Thor in a bridal gown, hang keys on his belt as befits the rich mistress of the hall,
hide his hair under a cap, put Freyja's necklace around his neck
(you know, once they went around and found all the beads)
and cover his face with a bridal veil, just in case,
then the giant wouldn't know the difference until it was too late and Thor once again held his hammer.
At first, Thor wasn't pleased with this plan,
but Loki quickly pointed that he didn't have much choice if he wanted to get his hammer back and to save Asgard.
"Besides," Loki said, "it won't be so bad. I will come too, as you maidservant."
Thor harumphed petulantly, but he knew Loki was right.
And so squeezed intro Freyja's second best dress
(no way in heck she was gonna let him ruin her first best),
keys in his belt, a cap on his head, the hastily repaired necklace around his neck,
and a bridal veil covering his beard, Thor hitched the goats to his magical carriage,.
And then with Loki on board, who was also wearing a rather fetching dress himself,
they set off for the land of the giants.
As Thor's carriage flew towards Thrym's hall,
the frost giant was feeling very pleased with himself, for he had bags of gems, chests of jewelry, and herds of golden horned cattle.
All he lacked was Freyja.
"And tonight," he thought, "she will sit beside me as my queen."
As the sunset washed through the windows of Thrym's hall in smoky shafts,
his servants placed fresh straw on the feasting benches and set out the wedding feast.
And as "Freyja" came into the hall, some of the more observant giants
(which admitedly wasn't many)
couldn't help but notice how tall and muscular their new queen was
and how her maidservant had quite the mischievous twinkle in her eye.
Nonetheless, "Freyja" took her seat of honor next to her husband to be,
where she proceeded to eat an entire ox, eight salmon, all of the cakes set for the ladies,
and chugged three barrels of honeyed mead, which was enough to leave a giant on the floor in a giggling heap.
Seeing this, Thrym was a tad suspicious.
"Who ever saw a bride polish off quite so much in one sitting?"
"And I've never seen a woman hold her liquor quite like you!"
Sensing the plan might be about to end in disaster, maidservant Loki quickly jumped in,
stating that so hot was "Freyja's" desire to be with Thrym,
that she had fasted for eight days and nights to better appreciate his generosity.
"Oh! Hot, eh?" Thrym said.
"Then I must steal a kiss."
Leaning in... "seductively," Thrym lifted the bridal veil, and planted a smacker on "Freyja's" lips.
"Oh, you look remarkable!" said Thrym.
"Though I've never seen a woman whose eyes burn like coals on a fire."
Again, Loki jumped to the rescue, telling Thrym that so eager was "Freyja" to join him,
that for eight nights she had not slept a wink, so that her eyes burned with desire for the giant.
And upon hearing this, Thrym could wait no longer.
He ordered his servants to bring Thor's hammer from its hiding place 8 miles deep,
and placed it respectfully accross Freyja's lap,
so that she and Thrym could be blessed in the name of Vár, goddess of vows.
"Freyja's" heart quickened, not at the thought of the upcoming nuptuals,
but at the revelation that revenge was at hand.
Almost as if it sensed the presence of its true master, Mjolnir lept into Thro's hand,
and faster than a lightning bolt flash, Thrym's wedding hall was turned red as a slaughter house,
as Thor dispatched all of the frost giants, including their lovestruck king.
With the day won and the hammer returned, the brothers flew home together.
And it was there that Thor had an epiphany:
While he and Loki might not always like each other, let alone trust one another,
when it came to protecting Asgard, they made a pretty good team.
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Well hello there Ahmed Ziad Turk, Alicia Bramble, Casey Muscha, Dominic Valencia, Gunnar Clovis, Kyle Murgatroyd and Orels1.
Thanks so much for being legendary patrons.
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