Welcome everybody. Welcome, to Papa's House!
Papa John: Welcome to Papa's House!
I got a special guest today. I think you are going to like him a lot.
Let me introduce you everyone...
To my son, my helper, Beau.
Jon: Beau in the house!
Ethan: Yeah!
Beau: Beau's in the house!
Jon: Did I say it right, dad?
Ethan: We got - We got Jon, we're gonna eat some pizza with him dude!
Jon: I heard it's hard to eat this pizza without your mouth.
Ethan: Well I tell you - ooh,
Without your mouth?
I had other plans.
Jon: It's advertised on the website.
Ethan: Papa John Pizza dot com. Eat it with your mouth
Jon: And you digest this pizza backwards through anal.
Ethan: We've been wanting to eat some Papa John pizza for a long time.
'Kay?
And - and
Hila: We never tried it!
Ethan: We never had Papa John's!
Jon: I don't think I've had Papa John's.
Ethan: Really? It looks great!
Jon: Who the fuck's had Papa John's?
Ethan: Apparently a lot of fuckin' people 'cause, this is like, the most popular pizza chain in America
Jon: Especially, well, especially since I moved to New York City, I - I haven't eaten much Papa John's
Ethan: There's no room in your heart for Papa John's?
Jon: [chuckles] No room.
Ethan: Well today, ironically, we came to New York City -
To order some Papa John's Pizza for the first time.
Ethan: It's the good old boy, ah?
Jon: They actually put the real guy there?
Ethan: Yeah that's his thing!
Jon: Is this actually Papa John?
Ethan: That's the Papa!
Jon: Papa John's like 43 years old?
Ethan: That's Papa dude!
Jon: Colonel Sanders been dead since like 1980!
Ethan: That's why he's a living legend.
Ethan: He's like Paul McCartney. He's a super star WHILE he was alive.
Jon: Paul McCart -
Host: Papa's in the house!
Crowd: Papa's in the house! Papa's in the house! Papa's in the house!
Papa John: Papa's in the house!
Papa John: Thank you, how you doin'?
[unintelligible noise]
Ethan: You understand? He's the super star of pizza
Jon: Dude -
Jon: I honestly cannot believe Paul McCartney is still alive.
Jon: But all that aside -
[Ethan blows]
Ethan: Woah. Talk about -
Ethan: Dude, Paul McCartney is gonna die now you brought that up.
Jon: Aww, that's gonna be my fault.
Ethan: I'm not going to be able to enjoy the pi-
Ethan: You know what, to be honest, he died 30 years ago in my mind already.
[Hila chuckles]
Ethan: His new shit? Not that good
Jon: Yeah.
Ethan: Okay so h-here's what we got.
Ethan: One three topping extra large pizza.
Jon: One topping - three what?
Ethan: Three toppings - one pizza.
Ethan: One colon cancer - one life.
Ethan: One Papa to rule them all.
Ethan: And in the darkness - bind with it.
Jon: That was beautiful Ethan.
Jon: Let's order the fuckin' pizza.
Ethan: So what type of toppings do you want?
Jon: My vote, is always, um, olives and mushrooms on pizza.
Ethan: I love it
Ethan: I think that, I think that bodes well for our future uhh -
Ethan: Collaborations.
Jon: On Pizza, or just in general?
Ethan: Just on pizza.
Jon: Just on pizza.
Ethan: How could toppings dictate how well we work together?
Jon: How could toppings... that's stupid.
[Jon mumbles]
Ethan: What's jingling over in that bag, Jon?
Jon: Oh, well let me tell ya!
Jon: I was downstairs -
Ethan: What you got in the BAG DUUUDE?
Jon: I was downstairs at a little bodega...
Ethan: HAA HOH!
Jon: I got a "Share a Coke with a Soulmate".
Ethan: Soulmate, dude! Sodiepop!
Papa John: Have a couple Sodiepops.
Papa John: Couple Sodiepops.
Papa John: Sodiepops.
Papa John: A couple Sodiepops.
Jon: This one's for mom.
Ethan: This one's for you, Hila, a loving mom. *smooching noises*
Hila: Me?
Jon: And this one's..
Ethan: This is our announcement, by the way. Hila's pregnant, so you all know. [Hila giggles]
Ethan: Jon spoiled it. Thanks, Jon!
Jon: Haha, no problem. Also, what the fuck dude?
Jon: This one, doesn't have a "share with anybody".
Ethan: Aww.
Jon: This is a -
Ethan: I'm the soulmate and you're the soulless.
Jon: This is a capitalist pig Coca-Cola® here. I'm gonna share with no one -
Jon: More for me
Jon: Just don't put some weird shit on it.
[Loud trunk honks]
Ethan: Holy fuck, the city is collapsing.
Jon: I'M WALKING HERE!
Ethan: HEEYYYYYY!
Ethan: I'M DRINKING SOME SODIEPOPS OVER HERE - HEY!
Jon: What - he's just a regular truck carrying some beans.
[Signature Ethan Klein cough]
Ethan: Wha- How'd you feel about jalapenos?
Jon: [claps] That's the one - no - I was going to say I wanted--"
Jon: Beau in the house!
Hila: Beau in the house!
Beau: Beau's in the house!
Ethan: He looks like he - from a distance he could look 40,
Ethan: But, that face says "more like 60".
Jon: That face's seen some - hot ovens.
Ethan: He looks - Exactly.
[Jon laughs]
Ethan: You ain't even kidding.
Jon: He's starting to wax -
Ethan: The cheese - the cheese is melting, if you know what I mean.
[Jon bursts into laughter]
Jon: One day, we'll be that old, and someone will make fun of us.
Ethan: Well it's not that he's old.
Ethan: It's that, he fuckin' like, went to a plastic surgeon-
Jon: He does look like he's got a plastic surgery!
Hila: What did he do?
Ethan: It looks like - it looks like he said: "Hey -"
Ethan: He said: "Dawg, melt some cheese on my face".
Jon: He's got some Botox eyebrows for sure.
Hila: Yeah, Botox.
Jon: He's like -
Ethan: Well, he looks like -
Jon: Have a mushroom slice!
[Jon laughs]
Ethan: I dunno. He's got this face, like -
[Jon and Hila laugh]
Ethan: From a distance I look good, but don't look at me too close. Right?
[continuous laughter]
[Jon laughs even more]
Jon: [imitation] Don't get close, sir! Please!
Ethan: 40 meters!
[Jon hisses in the background]
Ethan: Hey, how's it going?
Ethan: I got a coupon here, for one large three topping extra large pizza.
Ethan: It's for 15 dollars.
Ethan: He asked me: "How much?" I'm like, it's your coupon dude?
Ethan: I don't know, 10 bucks? 5 bucks?
Hila: What's your budget?
Ethan: It's kind of bizarre, yeah.
Ethan: Are we gonna negotiate the price here?
Jon: Oh, it was like -
[Jon laughs]
Jon: I was like: "Jesus Christ, Ethan?!"
Ethan: He's lookin' through the coupon directory apparently.
Ethan: He's talking to the manager to see how much leeway we got from the price.
[Jon and Ethan chuckle]
Jon: I feel like that was the most - prank-sounding actual order I've heard from the -
Jon: "I'd like to order your - legit coupon here, I have my money."
Hila: Ethan kind of always -
Ethan: Phone number is 702 -
Papa John: And man has made history.
Papa John: He's the first... delivery driver, to deliver Papa John's worldwide...
Papa John: Uh, Papa John dot com.
Papa John: On out new internet site today and we're proud of him, so -
Ethan: First let's look at the Garlic Sauce here.
Jon: What is that even for?
Hila: Do you guys need plates or no?
Ethan: It's dipping sauce.
Jon: Oh.
Jon: I don't need no plate.
Ethan: Can you look at that? That's just butter.
Jon: I think that would clog a heart right there.
Ethan: I think that's what one year less on your life looks like.
[Jon laughs]
Ethan: In liquid form.
Jon: The plaque in my heart.
Ethan: To Papa John.
Ethan: Mmm!
Host: [slowed down] Papa's in the House!
Ethan: That's a good pie!
Jon: If I complained about this pizza, I'd be complaining for no reason.
Jon: That's pretty good pizza.
Ethan: That's a good pizza.
Ethan: Honestly -
Ethan: Papa John?
Ethan: You deserve that mansion.
Ethan: You deserve the mausoleum, dude.
Jon: Buy two eagles, for the mausoleum.
Ethan: Buy yourself another eagle, Papa John. You earned it.
Ethan: I think you said it before, and I think there's a lot of truth to it -
Ethan: You don't become Papa John without making a couple of good pies.
[Jon laughs]
Ethan: And having a good recipe. You know what I mean?
Jon: Are you gonna -
Ethan: Yeah I think you said it before, dude.
Ethan: George Bush hides Jew curls.
Jon: 9/11 was a HOAX perpetuated by -
Jon: By uh -
Ethan: Look, all - I don't know
Ethan: I don't know if 9/11 happened or not -
Ethan: But all I'm saying -
Jon: Edit me out of this.
Ethan: All I'm saying is that the moon isn't real, dude.
Ethan: Fuckin' CGI dude. Projection.
Hila: It's pretty good.
Ethan: Take a bite.
Hila: Mhm.
Ethan: Think about it.
Hila: Mhm.
Ethan: Let the Papa take control.
Ethan: Let Papa John take control.
Ethan: That's a good pizza pie!
Hila: Mhm.
[crowd chanting "Papa's in the House"]
[unintelligible noise]