WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
BEEN THAT LONG, BUT TRUTH IS, TOMORROW IS ONE YEAR OF JOE
BIDEN'S PRESIDENCY. AND TO MARK THE OCCASION
( APPLAUSE ).
THEN AGAIN, HE'S 79. I GUESS HE'S ALWAYS GOING TO GO
FOR THE EARLY BIRD SPECIAL. THE PRESIDENT OUTLINED THE
VARIOUS WAYS HIS ADMINISTRATION IS TRYING TO FIGHT THE PANDEMIC
WITHOUT ADDITIONAL SHUTDOWNS. >> WE HAVE THE TOOLS-- VACCINES,
BOOSTERS, MASKS, TESTS, PILLS-- TO SAVE LIVES AND KEEP
BUSINESSES AND SCHOOLS OPEN. >> Stephen: YES, WE HAVE A LOT
OF TOOLS TO SAVE LIVES. UNFORTUNATELY, WE ALSO HAVE A
LOT OF TOOLS WHO REFUSE TO USE THOSE TOOLS.
( LAUGHTER )
DAY FOR AMERICA'S NOSTRILS, BECAUSE-- YOU KNOW IT IS COMING.
BECAUSE TODAY THE WHITE HOUSE LAUNCHED THE US GOVERNMENT'S
FREE COVID TESTING KIT WEBSITE: cvidtests.gov
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU PAID FOR THEM. YOU ALREADY PAID FOR THEM.
GO GET THEM. ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS LOG ON, PUT
IN YOUR ADDRESS, AND THE FEDS WILL SEND YOU FOUR FREE AT-HOME
COVID-19 TESTS. FOUR TESTS!
OKAY.
EACH NOSTRIL AND TWO FOR, YOU KNOW, DEALER'S CHOICE.
IT WORKS. IT WORKS WHEREVER YOU PUT THEM.
THAT'S WHAT I HEAR. IS THAT TRUE?
THEY'RE TELLING ME THAT'S NOT TRUE.
THE WHITE HOUSE ACTUALLY LAUNCHED THE SITE YESTERDAY, ONE
DAY AHEAD OF SCHEDULE. SO, 677 DAYS INTO THE PANDEMIC,
WE GOT ACCESS TO FREE TESTS ONE DAY SOONER THAN WE THOUGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S WHY HE MOVED UP THE PRESS CONFERENCE.
THAT'S WHY HE MOVED IT UP. SO FAR, FREE AND ACCESSIBLE
HEALTHCARE IS PRETTY POPULAR. AS OF LAST NIGHT, covidtests.gov
HAD MORE THAN 1 MILLION VISITORS, WHICH IS MORE THAN 40
TIMES AS MANY AS THE GOVERNMENT SITE WITH THE NEXT HIGHEST
TRAFFIC, WHICH I ASSUME IS shirtlessdougemhoff.gov/ yardwor.
( LAUGHTER )
EXPECT HIM TO BE SO CUT. >> Jon: HE GOT HIMSELF
TOGETHER. UH-HUH.
YEAH. >> Stephen: THE CLIPPERS WORK
THE OBLIQUES, MAN. I MEAN, THERE WERE A FEW
HICCUPS. SOME PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN
APARTMENT BUILDINGS RECEIVED ERRORS SAYING TESTS ALREADY HAD
BEEN ORDERED FOR THEIR ADDRESS. SO TO MAKE UP FOR IT, THE POST
OFFICE IS GOING TO SEND THOSE PEOPLE A THOUSAND BLUE APRON
MAILERS AND A WATER BILL FOR SOMEONE WHO LIVED THERE 20
YEARS AGO.
THE FREE TEST ISN'T THE ONLY GOOD NEWS.
EXPERTS SAY THE END OF THE OMICRON WAVE IS IN SIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE NEED IT! >> Stephen: IT'S IN SIGHT, BUT
I CAN'T SEE IT, BECAUSE MY GLASSES ARE ALWAYS FOGGED UP
FROM MY MASK. ONE GROUP THAT CAN'T WAIT FOR
COVID TO END IS LIBRARIANS, BECAUSE SOME PUBLIC LIBRARIES
ARE BEING USED AS CORONAVIRUS TEST DISTRIBUTION SITES, AND
LIBRARIANS HAVE BECOME THE LATEST FRONTLINE WORKERS.
AND THEY DO NOT APPRECIATE THE BANGING OF POTS AND PANS.
( LAUGHTER )
IT TOOK YOU A WHILE TO REALIZE, ABOUT A YEAR AGO WE USED TO...
IN CERTAIN CITIES LIKE WASHINGTON, D.C., PUBLIC
LIBRARIES PROVIDED P.C.R. TESTS THAT PATRONS HAD TO TAKE HOME TO
USE THEN DEPOSIT IN A DROPBOX AT THE LIBRARY.
SO YOUR TEST WILL BE HELD IN THE SAME LABORATORY CONDITIONS AS
STICKY COPIES OF "PAT THE BUNNY" AND A BROKEN VHS OF
"GREMLINS 2."
THE SYSTEM WORKS. "GREMLINS 2, FANS."
THE SYSTEM WORKS, BUT MAYBE TOO WELL, BECAUSE NOW, LIBRARY
PHONES RING EVERY FEW MINUTES WITH YET ANOTHER CALL, ASKING
MEDICAL QUESTIONS LIBRARY WORKERS AREN'T TRAINED TO
ANSWER. HAVEN'T WE GIVEN LIBRARIANS
ENOUGH TO DO? THEY'RE ALREADY OUR BABYSITTERS,
OUR TUTORS, AND THE ONLY ONES BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK THAT MAN AT
THE COMPUTER TO PLEASE CLOSE HIS PORNOGRAPHY TABS DURING THE
PUPPET SHOW.
WE'VE ALSO--
WE'VE ALSO GOT COVID NEWS FROM FLORIDA.
TODAY WE LEARNED THE FLORIDA DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH SUSPENDED
A MEDICAL DIRECTOR AFTER HE SENT AN EMAIL ENCOURAGING STAFF TO
GET VACCINATED. YEAH, WELL, I MEAN, COME ON.
IT'S KIND OF PRESUMPTUOUS OF HIM TO ASSUME THAT RESIDENTS OF
FLORIDA HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE.
THEY MADE A CHOICE. THEY MADE A CHOICE!
THE OFFICIAL IN QUESTON IS DR. RAUL PINO, WHO LEADS THE HEALTH
DEPARTMENT IN ORANGE COUNTY. IN AN EMAIL TO HIS DEPARTMENT
EARLIER THIS MONTH, PINO WROTE THAT HE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONLY
219 OUT OF 568 STAFF MEMBERS HAD RECEIVED TWO DOSES OF THE
VACCINE, ADDING, "I AM SORRY, BUT IN THE ABSENCE OF REASONABLE
AND REAL REASONS, IT IS IRRESPONSIBLE NOT TO BE
VACCINATED. I HAVE A HARD TIME UNDERSTANDING
HOW WE CAN BE IN PUBLIC HEALTH AND NOT PRACTICE IT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS. HE'S RIGHT.
IT IS HARD TO UNDERSTAND. YET ANOTHER FLORIDA MYSTERY,
LIKE WHY DO SO MANY OLD PEOPLE MOVE THERE THE MINUTE THEY GET
TOO SLOW TO OUTRUN AN ALLIGATOR?
RING THE DINNER BELL. THERE'S BAD NEWS FOR FORMER
PRESIDENT "GIRTH, WIND, AND LIAR."
( LAUGHTER )
FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS, HE HAS BEEN UNDER CIVIL INVESTIGATION
BY NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL LETITIA JAMES.
WELL LAST NIGHT--
WELL, LAST NIGHT IN COURT FILINGS, JAMES OUTLINED A
PATTERN OF POSSIBLE FRAUD AT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S BUSINESS.
THAT'S BELIEVABLE. CERTAINLY MORE BELIEVABLE THAN A
PATTERN OF BUSINESS AT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S FRAUD.
JAMES FILED THIS MOTION IN RESPONSE TO THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S ATTEMPT TO BLOCK HER FROM QUESTIONING HIM AND TWO OF
HIS ADULT CHILDREN UNDER OATH. LORD, PLEASE MAKE THAT HAPPEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND I DON'T ASK OFTEN. ALL I WANT-- ALL I WANT BEFORE I
DIE IS SEE DON JR. SWEAR IN ON A JAR OF HAIR GEL.
IT'S THE ONLY THING HE BELIEVES IN.
JAMES SAYS THAT HER OFFICE HAS UNCOVERED SIGNIFICANT EVIDENCE
THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT FRAUDULENTLY VALUED MULTIPLE
ASSETS, INCLUDING HIS OWN PRIVATE RESIDENCE.
HE CLAIMED THE TRIPLEX APARTMENT WAS 30,000 SQUARE FEET IN SIZE,
BUT THE ACTUAL SIZE WAS JUST UNDER 11,000 SQUARE FEET.
YEAH, THAT'S NO SURPRISE. HE'S KNOWN FOR FALSELY TRIPLING
THE SIZE OF HIS ASSETS.
HE ONCE TOLD STORMY DANIELS HIS PENIS WAS THREE INCHES.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
HIS CLAIM THAT HE WON RE-ELECTION.
THE HOUSE SELECT COMMITTEE ON JANUARY 6 IS BUSY GETTING TO THE
BOTTOM OF THAT LIE. AND YESTERDAY, THEY SUBPOENAED
RUDY GIULIANI.
AT LONG LAST, WE'LL FIND OUT IF RUDY ACTUALLY SAID AND DID WHAT
WE SAW HIM SAY AND DO LIVE ON TV.
THE PANEL WANTS TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HOW RUDY PUSHED
FALSE CLAIMS THAT THE FORMER PREZ WON THE 2020 ELECTION AND
ARE SEEKING ALL THE DOCUMENTS HE HAS RELATING TO THE SEIZURE OF
VOTING MACHINES, CONTACT WITH MEMBERS OF CONGRESS, AND ANY
ARRANGEMENTS FOR HIS ATTORNEY'S FEES.
AND "THE LATE SHOW" HAS ACQUIRED ONE-- ONE OF THESE?
ONE OF RUDY'S INVOICES: $40,000 FOR ATTORNEY FEES, AND
$10,000 FOR FRANZIA, COMMA, KIDDIE POOL FULL OF."
( LAUGHTER )
SUBPOENAED THE PHONE RECORDS OF FORMER SECOND SON, ERIC.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOT SURE HOW MUCH YOU CAN LEARN FROM THE PHONE RECORDS OF
SOMEONE WHO ANSWERS THE "SCAM LIKELY" NUMBER HOPING IT'S HIS
DAD.
SPEAKING OF PHONES, TODAY VERIZON AND AT&T TURNED ON A
MAJOR NEW PART OF THEIR 5G NETWORKS.
OF COURSE, IF YOU GOT THE VACCINE, YOU ALREADY HAVE 5G.
( LAUGHTER )
A HARD RESET. JUST INSERT A PAPERCLIP INTO THE
BACK OF YOUR NECK WHILE HOLDING DOWN THE BLUETOOTH BUTTON ON
YOUR GIANT BALLS.
THERE'S ONE SMALL PROBLEM: OFFICIALS ARE WORRIED 5G SIGNALS
COULD LEAD TO AIRPLANE CRASHES. OKAY, BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,
YOU CAN STREAM "YELLOWJACKETS" ALL THE WAY DOWN.
( LAUGHTER )
SPECTRUM, SOME OFFICIALS ARE WORRIED THAT 5G
SERVICE WILL INTERFERE WITH SENSITIVE INSTRUMENTS THAT
MEASURE ALTITUDE ON SOME PLANES. OKAY, THEN TO PROTECT IT, WHY
DON'T THEY JUST PUT THE AIRPLANE INTO AIRPLANE MODE?
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS CHRISTINE BARANSKI BUT WHEN WE RETURN, IS THERE
SUCH A THING AS TOO RICH? YES.
♪ ♪ ♪