“Whatever I see, I shall devour!”
(EATING LOUDLY) Mmmm!
(GASPS QUIETLY)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING) He’s gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He’d rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He’d rather eat the rotten asshole of a road-killed skunk and down it with beer
He’s the angriest gamer you’ve ever heard
He’s the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He’s the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd!
It’s time to wrap up this CD-i shitfest. Let’s take a look at the two remaining Zelda games.
First, Link: The Faces of Evil.
All the same problems I addressed in Zelda: Wand of Gamelon are present here,
so there’s not much need to go into such detail again.
It has the same style of gameplay and the same cheesy cutscenes.
“(SNORTS) Do you know what it means when you lose your last ruby? (SNORTS)”
“Now you work for me! (SNORTS)”
“Take him away! (SNORTS)”
“You’re doing great, Link!”
“You're our hero!”
Man, those fairies really like Link.
The only real difference with this game is that you play as Link,
and this time, you’re going to rescue Zelda, so the roles have been reversed.
If you watch the demo, Link tells you how to play the game.
LINK: (V/O) “Move the controller down, and I crouch.”
“When I’m crouching, you can make me do the duck walk. Cool, huh?”
One difference is that you have to collect snowballs and fireballs.
There’s some enemies that can only be killed by either of these weapons,
so it only adds more to your inventory that you have to keep up with.
So even more so than the other game, you spend half the time collecting these items,
and collecting Rupees so that you can buy bombs, rope, and lantern oil.
And to top it off, there’s more weapons that drain your Rupees! Could this be any more tedious?
And I hate collecting Rupees.
Oh, come on, you can’t even get two at the same time?
And the jumping is still a big problem. Come on, why can’t I get up there?
Oh, your mother!
Oh, you son of a bitch!
Get up there!
(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)
It’s time to start droppin’ some F bombs!
- Fuck! [1/7] - (EXPLOSION AFTER EACH "FUCK")
- Fuck! [2/7] - (EXPLOSION AFTER EACH "FUCK")
- Fuck! [3/7] - (EXPLOSION AFTER EACH "FUCK")
- Fuck! [4/7] - (EXPLOSION AFTER EACH "FUCK")
- Fuck! [5/7] - (EXPLOSION AFTER EACH "FUCK")
- Fuck! [6/7] - (EXPLOSION AFTER EACH "FUCK")
- Fuck! [7/7 ✓] - (EXPLOSION AFTER EACH "FUCK")
Probably the worst example is right here. I’m trying to go in the door. Seems simple, right?
But I can’t approach the door from any conceivable angle.
If I’m below the door, I can’t reach it, at least not without a rope.
Too bad I had to use them all in order to get this far.
I can’t approach it from the other side because the pillar’s blocking me.
This is the part I really don’t understand.
You can pass through the bottom of the pillar, and you can pass through the two pillars before it,
which look exactly the same.
Why is it that I can’t go through this one fuckin’ part?
It seems the only way I can make it is to drop down from the top,
but I can’t get back up there. I’m jumping everywhere, I obviously can’t go back up,
which is ironically the way I came.
All because I missed the jump, which is hard to begin with, because you’re so close to the ceiling.
I’m also prohibited from going to the left.
Whether I’m on the top or the bottom floor, there’s a fuckin’ piece of shit in the way!
So, once you fall down there, you’re stuck.
This is a joke. They designed this part of the stage to be a trap.
The only way to get out of this is to stand here and let the falling spikes kill you.
If it wasn’t for them, you’d have to reset the game and lose all your data.
The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can’t find my way back.
So I’m really up shit creek without a paddle, and that means I’m paddling through the shit with my hands.
Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass!
“Wow!”
You also use the sword to buy stuff.
If the shop owner gets in your way, you end up talking to him.
Go away! I’m trying to buy bombs!
“Lamp oil, rope.”
And here, once again, I’m trying to fight, but I keep talking to this asshole!
Go away!
“[Through] the eye of Glutcol…”
The enemies, once again, are a pain in the ass. Half of them are impossible to hit.
Look at this! I’m trying to go down, but the fuckin’ warthogs are in my way!
This would be so simple if you could just jump down!
“Oh my goodness, this is awful!”
Another nuisance is that I can’t hit the Dodongos because the bombs just fly over them.
If I could duck and throw the bomb, maybe I could hit him,
but you can’t do that because it activates the status screen!
Yeah, you have to be standing to use your items.
And I hate these damn snakes. Your timing has to be perfect.
(GROANS)
Oh, I hate these fucking bastards!
But these gargoyle things are the worst.
They take several hits to kill, and they never stop coming.
If you stay there and try to fight them off, you’ll be there forever.
I’m not kidding. It makes the most sense to just try and outrun them.
Alright, Ganon. Here I come!
“[Join me, Link,] and I will make your face the greatest in Koridai! Or else you will die!”
All I need is just one shot. With a book. Yeah, it’s a book this time.
Just one hit... (EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)
-NERD: That doesn’t count? -GANON: "Not into the pit!"
I still get the dramatic death scene, but I’m back outside the castle! Fuck…
So I gotta go all the way through the castle again, and when I get there, thankfully, Ganon’s still dead.
Then you gotta wake Zelda.
Come on! I’m here to rescue your royal ass, get the hell up! Wake the fuck up!
(SWORD CLANKING)
Oh, I get it.
“I just saved you from Ganon! I won!”
Nothing short of poetry.
Let’s move on to the final piece of what’s known as the unholy Triforce.
(TREASURE CHEST OPENING THEME PLAYS)
Zelda’s Adventure was released the following year, in 1994.
Unlike the other two, this one doesn’t have the cartoon cutscenes.
Instead, it’s digitized actors.
Sometimes they don’t even move, they just crossfade.
"[and so, I] found this champion of strength and courage…”
As the title would suggest, it’s the only other game where you play as Zelda,
going to save Link’s ass once again.
You have to find dungeons where in each one you collect a piece of a stone,
much like pieces of the Triforce in the original Zelda game.
So, this one follows the classic format a little more. Not to mention, it’s an overhead view.
That means you don’t have to do stupid shit like push up to jump and crouch to bring up the inventory screen.
You can also touch the Rupees and hearts without having to attack them.
Of course, you do have to wait for them to touch the ground, which is confusing, since it’s overhead.
It’s better than the other two CD-i games, but not by a whole lot.
The most constant annoying thing is waiting for the screen to load.
Watch how long it takes!
Uhh…
And you’re probably thinking, “Oh, it can’t do that every time.” Oh yeah, it does.
Imagine how long it takes you to get anywhere! Look at the original Zelda, watch how quick it is!
See? And that was an old, 8-bit console.
Damn CD load time, look at this!
That’s when you grab your beer.
(SOUND STOPS)
(SOUND RESUMES)
The next thing that’s really annoying is that somebody keeps talking to you.
UNKNOWN FEMALE VOICE: “Zelda…Zelda…do not roam [unprotected]."
Oh, shut the fuck up!
“[Look nearby] for something to aid you.”
What, is Zelda hearing voices in her head? Crazy bitch.
Unlike other Zelda games, where the dialogue is all text, this one uses real bad voice acting.
“[It is said] those who go deep into the earth learn to overcome the sins of grief.”
MYSTERIOUS MALE: “Hey! Who goes there? Aren’t you an enemy of my boss, Lork? You can’t come in here!”
Even the sound effects aren’t appropriate. Why do the vires have humanoid grunts?
(HUMANOID GRUNTING)
And what the hell is that thing?
"(LAUGHING)"
What is that?!
“[Those] Moblins out there are so slow and stupid!”
You don’t get very much music, either. Just immerse yourself in the good old outdoors.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
I also find the ground very strange looking, almost like a satellite view.
These would be trees, so maybe Zelda’s a giant?
Oh, look, we got a ladder. Remember that from the original Zelda?
Remember how to use it? You just walk right across.
Let’s see how easy it is here. You come to a gap, you gotta go to your menu…
…select the ladder, and then use it.
You always have to select shit. Take this for example, in any good Zelda game, how do you buy stuff? Like this.
That’s easy, right? Here, you gotta stop, bring up the menu…
...select the Rupee…
...and there. What a bunch of fuck.
“That was a wise purchase, young princess!”
And I gotta say, the menu screen sucks. First of all, you can only hold one item.
That includes the sword, or wand, whatever.
In the other games, you always have the sword, and can select an additional item.
Of course, the CD-i doesn’t utilize as many buttons, so whenever you need to use something,
you bring up the menu screen!
And the other thing that really pisses me off is that you have to scroll through the items.
Not by pressing left or right on the D-pad, no, by moving the cursor to the left or right arrow,
and painstakingly clicking until you see the item you want.
That is bullshit.
Why couldn’t they fit them all on the screen like the other games?
And how about the map screen?
In any other Zelda game you can bring up the map with the ease of a single button.
That’s simple, right? Well here, the map screen is inside the item screen.
Yeah, so whenever you wanna see the map, you have to bring up the item screen, select the map,
look at the map, go back to the item screen, and finally back to the game.
How about getting treasure? You think you’d just open it, and there’d be nothing more to it than that.
But no, the fucking treasure chest starts talking to you.
“Why, what a great event! Hoo-hoo!”
Then it spits out the treasure, and the first time, I didn’t even know what happened.
Whatever happened to this?
How about this shit? Somebody gives me an empty bottle
and tells me to go fill it up at the source of the river.
Why I can’t just go to any river bank, I don’t know, but anyway,
I go to the source, which is this fuckin’ skull thing,
I select the bottle, and then it doesn’t just fill up, it mysteriously disappears from Zelda’s hands
and then reappears behind her to the left. What?
You’re never even sure what the items are gonna do.
I got a flute, and I was told to use it against a snake.
So I use the flute, and what happens? It kills the snake, but not before freezing me,
making me momentarily helpless while the snake nearly kills me!
Thanks!
But one major problem I have is that the save function doesn’t seem to work.
If I turn off the game, it erases all the data. That sucks.
The overall design is horrendous, you can never tell where to go.
See that dark area right there? That’s a cave, you’re supposed to go in there,
but with all the random rock patterns you’d think it was just part of the wall.
And when I got to this part, I thought it was a hole in the floor, ‘til I realized that it’s just part of the ceiling.
Rarely does that even happen, and it occurs right after the part where you need a ladder,
so, naturally, I thought it was a hole.
Here, I’m just trying to go to the right, but something apparently’s blocking my path.
What the fuck’s going on?
Oh, shit, I’m gonna die, get over there--I’m stuck! Aah, Aah! Fuck!
Even the dungeon maps aren’t consistent. See the white square?
That’s where I am, but if I go up, it jumps me all the way up here.
And it happens more than once, you just jump all over the map!
In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways
that transport you all around the dungeon. That makes sense.
But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen and suddenly appear some place different on the map,
it’s like what the hell happened to this game?
I don’t believe this!
Like, I seriously don’t believe this!
That’s it. That’s all I can take. How could they fuck up Zelda this bad?
It’s not a Zelda game, I wouldn’t call it that.
"Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link."
Yeah, you know what? That’s a pointless argument right there.
That’s like if your dad says “I fucked your mom!” It’s like…
…like I can’t argue with that.
You know, playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd on a frying pan.
Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i!
-This game fuckin’ sucks! -(CRASH)
-Fuckin’ sucks! -(CRASH)
-Fuckin' sucks! -(CRASH)
-Oh, yeah, and the Mario game? That one sucks, too! -(CRASH)
CD-i sucks!
(NERD EXCLAIMS, CRASH)
(IMITATING LEGEND OF ZELDA THEME SONG VIA FART SOUNDS)
[TIMING AND CORRECTIONS BY DANNY BURKE)