FIRST OF ALL, I'M VERY EXCITED THAT JON BATISTE LOOKS
LIKE HUMPHREY BOGART TONIGHT.
YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.
HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID.
FANTASTIC.
YOU'RE READY FOR A TROPICAL VACATION OVER THERE.
>> Jon: OH, YES, INDEED.
WE'VE GOT A COUPLE MORE DAYS.
>> Stephen: WE DO, WE DO.
WE HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED.
>> Jon: WE'RE IN IT RIGHT NOW.
WE'RE FOCUSING IN, WE'RE FOCUSING IN ON THE TARGET.
>> Stephen: THE TARGET BEING DOING THE SHOW THE NEXT HOUR?
>> Jon: DOING THE SHOW AND PLAYING JAZZ FOR ME ON THIS
SIDE.
>> Stephen: FOR ME I'M JUST GOING TO DO THE SHOW.
COMEDY.
>> Jon: JAZZ.
>> Stephen: TINKLE, TINKLE.
ONE OF THE REASONS I'M VERY EXCITED WE'VE GOT COMING UP, OUR
OLD FRIEND TOM BROKAW WILL BE OUT HERE.
( APPLAUSE ) TOM AND I VEHICLE FRIENDS FOR
YEARS.
IT'S AN HONOR TO KNOW HIM.
IT'S AMAZING I GOT TO KNOW THIS GUY.
HE'S ON ANOTHER NETWORK THEY CANNOT NAME THAT HAS GOT THE
OLYMPICS AND I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO TALKING TO HIM ABOUT
THOSE GAMES BECAUSE I AM PUMPED FOR THE REAL GAMES.
THEY ARE LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AWAY OR NEVER.
BECAUSE JUST YESTERDAY, RIO'S ACTING GOVERNOR WARNED THE
OLYMPICS COULD BE A "BIG FAILURE," WHICH IS ACTUALLY AN
IMPROVEMENT, BECAUSE UNTIL YESTERDAY, IT LOOKED LIKE A
MASSIVE CATASTROPHE.
THE OLYMPICS ARE IN REAL TROUBLE.
MANY OF THE VENUES ARE STILL UNFINISHED, POSSIBLY BECAUSE
MORE THAN $10 BILLION IN CONSTRUCTION CONTRACTS WENT TO
JUST FIVE FIRMS, ALL OF WHICH ARE CURRENTLY UNDER
INVESTIGATION FOR PRICE FIXING AND KICKBACKS.
THAT HAS ALREADY LED TO TOP EXECUTIVES BEING JAILED OR
CHARGED.
THOUGH ON THE PLUS SIDE, FOR THOSE EXECUTIVES, THE PRISONS
WON'T BE COMPLETED UNTIL 2036.
( APPLAUSE ) PLUS, BRAZIL HAS ONE OF THE
HIGHEST VIOLENT CRIME RATES IN THE WORLD, WHICH LED RIVALDO, A
FORMER MEMBER OF BRAZIL'S OLYMPIC SOCCER TEAM, TO WARN
TOURISTS TO "STAY IN THEIR COUNTRY OF ORIGIN" BECAUSE "HERE
YOU WILL BE RUNNING THE RISK OF YOUR LIFE," LEADING TO BRAZIL'S
NEWEST TOURIST SLOGAN, "BRAZIL: COME FOR THE SPORT, STAY BECAUSE
YOU'RE DEAD."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT EXPERTS DON'T EXPECT AN
INCREASE IN ARRESTS DURING THE OLYMPICS, IN PART BECAUSE
"POLICE PATROLS MAY GRIND TO A HALT BECAUSE THEY CAN'T AFFORD
TO BUY FUEL."
THOUGH, WITH ANY LUCK, THE PROBLEM WILL SOLVE ITSELF WHEN
THE CARS ARE STOLEN.
THESE BUDGET SHORTFALLS LED FIRST RESPONDERS TO STAGE
PROTESTS ALL OVER RIO YESTERDAY, INCLUDING ONE AT THE AIRPORT
WHERE POLICE HELD A SIGN THAT READ, "WELCOME TO HELL."
YES, HELL.
EXPLAINS WHY THEY'RE CHANGING THE OLYMPIC LOGO FROM THREE
PEOPLE HOLDING HANDS TO TWO GUYS MUGGING THE OTHER GUY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT CORRUPTION AND CRIME AREN'T
THE ONLY THINGS PLAGUING THE OLYMPICS.
THERE'S ALSO ACTUAL PLAGUE BECAUSE FEAR OVER THE ZIKA
VIRUS, WHICH CAN CAUSE BIRTH DEFECTS, HAS LED SOME ATHLETES
TO STAY HOME AND OTHERS TO TAKE SPECIAL PRECAUTIONS, LIKE
FREEZING THEIR SPERM.
(KNOCKING) "WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?"
"DON'T OPEN THE DOOR.
I'M TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"YOU'RE TRAINING ALL THE TIME."
OF COURSE, ATHLETES COULD ALWAYS HIDE FROM MOSQUITOES UNDERWATER.
BUT I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND GUANABARA BAY, WHERE THE BOATING
EVENTS WILL BE HELD, BECAUSE THIS IS AN ACTUAL PHOTO OF THE
RACE SITE.
NOTICE, OKAY, THAT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.
BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, IF BRAZIL DOESN'T FINISH THE
ATHLETES' DORMS IN TIME, I THINK THAT COUCH IS A FOLD-OUT!
AND IT GETS WORSE BECAUSE "RESEARCHERS JUST FOUND
DRUG-RESISTANT SUPER BACTERIA IN THE BAY" LEADING ONE
BRAZILIAN PROFESSOR TO SAY, "THESE BACTERIA SHOULD NOT BE
PRESENT IN THESE WATERS.
THEY SHOULD NOT BE PRESENT IN THE SEA."
NOW, I WOULD SAY "NO (BLEEP)."
BUT I THINK IN THIS CASE, QUITE THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT IT'S NOT-- I LIKE THAT.
I LIKE THAT.
I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT YOU HAVE APPLAUDED TWO THINGS--
SHODDY CONSTRUCTION AND HUMAN WASTE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE MY KIND OF PEOPLE.
YOU'RE MY KIND OF PEOPLE.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT IT'S NOT JUST HUMANS WHOSE
LIVES ARE AT RISK IN RIO BECAUSE RECENTLY, A JAGUAR AT AN OLYMPIC
TORCH CEREMONY WAS SHOT AFTER ESCAPING FROM ITS HANDLERS.
I BELIEVE THAT PARTICULAR SPECIES OF JAGUAR WAS THE
SPOTTED SOUTH AMERICAN METAPHOR.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
THE OLYMPIC COMMITTEE HAS RELEASED THE FOLLOWING
STATEMENT, "WE MADE A MISTAKE IN PERMITTING THE
OLYMPIC TORCH, A SYMBOL OF PEACE AND UNITY, TO BE EXHIBITED
ALONGSIDE A CHAINED WILD ANIMAL.
WE GUARANTEE THAT THERE WILL BE NO MORE SUCH INCIDENTS AT RIO
2016."
YES, THERE WILL NO LONGER BE LIT TORCHES ALONGSIDE CHAINED
ANIMALS.
FROM HERE ON OUT, THEY'LL JUST SET FIRE TO THE JAGUAR DIRECTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, BOY, I WOULD HATE TO WORK FOR A NETWORK THAT PAID BILLIONS
OF DOLLARS TO BROADCAST THAT CLUSTER MUNCH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TOM BROKAW.