Tonight we're talking about death.
Americans hate the topic.
It makes them super-uncomfortable.
Even just asking the question, "How do you think you'll die?"
immediately puts an end to a blowjob.
It -- It upsets me, and I just stop sucking.
[ Laughter ]
But in the end, death comes for us all.
And it's not just a fact of life. It's big business.
Funerals in the United States are a $20-billion business,
partly because some funeral parlors
can take advantage of grieving families.
Man: The average cost of a modern burial
runs from $10,000 to $12,000.
Man: The funeral industry has also been known
to engage in predatory business practices,
like selling vulnerable families add-ons and services
that they don't need.
People in mourning are in no mood to haggle.
"Look, look. I understand you're going through a hard time.
But what if I tell you what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna throw in the leather interior and the undercoating.
I'll even give you a cup holder. [ Chuckles ]
At, uh, at these prices,
you should tell
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Funerals are also bad for the people who are still alive.
Man: Formalin, the formaldehyde-based
preservative solution embalmers use
is incredibly toxic.
OSHA deems it a dangerous carcinogen.
To embalm a typical body
requires 3 pounds of this formalin solution
and sends 120 gallons of untreated funeral waste
directly into the sewage system.
Why are we preserving dead bodies?
Open-casket funerals are creepy.
Why would anyone want to see a more [bleep]-able version
of your grandma?
As if you could make her more [bleep]-able.
She kept it plenty tight.
And speaking of tight,
sooner or later, we're going to run out of room.
Man: Modern burials are also incredibly wasteful.
The average gravesite
takes up 32 square feet of land in a cemetery.
The only thing that takes up more space
and is just as wasteful as cemeteries -- golf courses.
Now, it would be great if we could combine the two,
but that would be ridiculous.
[ Laughter ]
Though, you could combine them if it was mini-golf.
"Okay.
What you want to do is bank off Grandpa's headstone,
through the industrial-accident windmill,
into the waiting mouth of Uncle Terry for the easy par."
Space is already an issue
at the revered Arlington National Cemetery,
which might start making it harder to get in.
Without any type of change in eligibility and expansion,
by 2041, we're gonna be out of room.
We could restrict eligibility
to those who perish on active duty,
Medal of Honor recipients, and Valor Awards.
So even being wounded doesn't guarantee you a spot.
So Rambo's not getting into Arlington?
That's what you're saying?! Rambo?!
Is this the America you want to live in?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
If a place like Arlington is having trouble,
why even have cemeteries?
The only thing they're good for is giving teenagers
who are "going through a phase"
a place to smoke and get under the shirt and over the bra.
[Meekly] "I...I don't know.
I-I just feel like I'm at home in graveyards.
[ Chuckles softly ]
I guess that makes me pretty weird, huh?"
[ Laughter ]
It's true that burial after death is becoming less popular.
Only 43.5% are going that route while 50.2% choose cremation.
And the other remaining 6.3%?
Their bodies will never be found.
[ Laughter ]
Trust me.
[ Laughter ]
We need better options beyond burial and cremation.
Death would be so much better
if the body simply left no trace.
But is that even possible?
Man: Swedish scientists asked that same question
and developed something called "promession."
It's a process where you freeze a corpse in liquid nitrogen,
rapidly vibrate the body so it breaks into millions
of tiny particles in just a few minutes,
then freeze-dry the particles and remove the harmful metals
left over from your dental fillings.
You're left with a fine dust.
Now, that's a good plan!
It's also the origin story
of the lesser-known Marvel superhero Swedish Dust Man.
After an IKEA dresser crushed his parents,
he was frozen with liquid nitrogen.
Now with a little help from his sidekick, Allen Key,
his dust particles are ready to [bleep] shit up
Stockholm style!
When I go, I want to be useful.
Use every part of me. Harvest my organs.
Sell my teeth to someone else. They're not even mine.
My -- My scrotum would make a lovely baby's hat.
Turn my forearms into spatulas.
Practical, kitschy.
And every time my son flips a burger,
he'll think of me.
Because I'm also the burger.
Nobody needs to be remembered forever.
What's the point of a monument or a gravestone?
Maybe someone remembers you for a generation or two at best.
But after that, it's just a thing for kids to kick around
whilst making fun of your name.
"Ha-ha-ha-Ha-ha!
Dick Butts!"
But if your ego is so big
and you just have to leave something behind,
get something smaller and cheaper like a bobblehead.
It'll look like you.
Your body can do different activities.
Maybe you like tennis. I don't know you.
And just think how your family will feel
when they visit your final resting place.
Ahh...
On a windy day, it can be very emotional.