Have you ever, in a relationship, begun to doubt
your own mind? Like, am I going crazy? Am I seeing things as
they really are? Well, there's a term that's out there now called
gaslighting. Let's talk about what it is and what it isn't.
And if you stay with me through the end of this, I'll give you a
free resource if you'd like to have it. And also, I'll tell you
about another resource we have that can be of assistance to
you. So, where did this idea of gaslighting come from? Well,
actually, it was a 1944 movie named Gaslight. And in this
particular movie, a woman had married a man who was quite
literally trying to drive her insane. So things would move,
things would not be there where she put them, and he would swear
I never saw it to begin with; I don't think you put it there.
And everything you can imagine changed, even to the point where
that the lights they had, which back in those days were the gas
lights, would sometimes dim or flicker. And she would notice
it, but he claimed that he didn't notice it at all, thus
the name of the movie, Gaslight. And therefore, now we talk about
gaslighting. So, in the original sense, he meant to try to drive
someone insane by making them question their own mind. Well,
today, it's a little bit different than that. Now we
refer to it when we talk about anyone who tries to deceive
another person so they don't even trust their own memory.
They think, wait a minute, did I get that wrong? And they begin
to get emotionally and sometimes even intellectually confused. It
happens typically in relationships. Now, it can
happen because somebody is controlling, and dominating, and
abusive. But most often, in a way that we deal with people, it
happens because someone's trying to get away with something, and
you're beginning to find the evidence that they are doing it.
And now, because they can't do away with the evidence, they do
away with your belief in that evidence by making you question
what you have seen, what you have heard, what you've
experienced. And by doing that, maybe, just maybe, you start
thinking, am I wrong? Is it true that that this person, my
spouse, whomever, is not doing those things; it's just me
thinking about it? Now, if you've ever lied to anyone when
you knew they knew the truth, in that sense, you were trying to
gaslight them. It doesn't mean you are absolutely trying to
drive them crazy or insane; I guess is the right word for
that. It meant that you were trying to get them to doubt what
they knew. So, to some degree, everybody does it.
Most often, what we see when we work with marriages,
particularly marriages in trouble, is when one spouse is
doing something that the other spouse would not be happy about.
It could be, for example, an extramarital affair or illicit
drug use or addiction to pornography or any number of
things gambling, I mean, you name it, it can be in that. And
the other spouse, the one that's not doing it, begins to find out
about it. And here's some evidence here and some evidence
there. And the person who doesn't want to be caught knows
they can't eradicate the evidence, so they eradicate your
view of the evidence. And so, they'll lie to you. No, no,
that's not what I said. I don't know how you heard that. Or
they'll diminish things like, no, I didn't push you into that
wall. Remember, you were stumbling, and I tried to catch
you. And that's how you went into that wall. Or even
sometimes letting you know things like, you know, I don't
know how you think the story happened that way because it
really happened this way instead. You're not remembering
it correctly. And by doing whatever they can, they make you
question you. Ever been there? Ever had somebody do that to
you? To the point where you really do begin to wonder, am I
seeing this correctly? Is it true? Is it right? Now, if
you've watched many of our videos, you know that I, back in
the past, actually left my wife for another woman decades ago
now. And my wife knew I was having an affair, but she
couldn't prove it. Now she was gathering evidence, but she
didn't have enough yet. And she pretty much knew who the affair
was with, but she couldn't prove that either. And so, when she
began to confront me with things say this, say that et cetera, I,
well, I didn't know that word gaslighting back then, but
that's what I did to her.
No, no, no, the person you're thinking it is, she's like your
best friend. Don't you know how much she cares about you? Or,
no, no, I was actually here that night. You've got your dates
mixed up to the point where she actually began, she being my
wife, Alice, actually began to think, am I just getting this
all messed up? And she became emotionally confused because
that's what I was doing to her on purpose, not trying to drive
her insane. I wasn't even trying to harm her. I was trying to get
away with something. Well, eventually, of course, I was
caught. Now, you might be thinking, okay, now you guys got
past that. Yes, my wife Alice and I did; we got past that.
You're thinking about what do I do now? If I think my spouse is
gaslighting me, what do I do? Okay. The first thing to do is
to make sure that what you are remembering, what you are
thinking, what you have done is reality and not fantasy. No, I'm
not even trying to imply that it was fantasy. Your spouse will
try to imply that you dreamed it, you thought it, it didn't
really occur. And so how do you make sure? Well, write it down.
Seriously, get a little notebook, and when you do
things, write it down. When they do things, write down; when they
say things, write that down, as well. And after a while, you'll
have enough evidence right there in front of you to know that
you're not going insane, that there's nothing wrong with your
brain, that you actually have reality in front of you. And so,
a second thing there to do is pay more attention to their
actions than to their words because of the fact that people
who are gaslighting can be quite fluent in their language and can
be quite convincing to the point where you really do think maybe
I'm getting it all wrong; look how sincere they appear to be.
So, rather than listening to all those words, watch those
behaviors. And again, write those things down. And a third
suggestion is this. Spend some time with some people who can
assure you that you're okay. I don't mean people have to just
whine and complain to. Let me tell you what he did. Let me
tell you what she said. Not that, but people you can be
around in a sense of being you, the real you. So that you can
see, yes, I'm still functioning well in life. I can still think,
and I can still feel, and believe, and act.
And this interaction with other people who are not trying to
dissuade me or convince me of other things is proving to me
that I'm okay. In other words, you don't have to let
gaslighting work no matter how glib your partner might be. But
the way you keep it from working is that you keep connected to
reality by those suggestions I just said and anything else you
can do to maintain your groundedness. Now, if you have
dealt with gaslighting and were able to get past it, in other
words, this is what I did to get my spouse to start telling me
the truth. This is what I did to get my spouse to start telling
me the truth, or at least to quit lying to me. Tell us about
it. Just below, you have a place to put comments. If you have
gaslighted anyone else, would you be willing to be honest
enough below to tell why, what it accomplished, and how you
learned how not to do it because of the negative consequences?
Or, if you have been gaslighted and found a way to get your your
spouse, your partner, your relationship person to actually
talk to you honestly and quit doing that, would you also put
your comments about that in the notes below. We would love to
see your experiences. And to all of you, we want to offer our
free resource. It's actually called a Smart Communication
ebook. You can get that by clicking the link on the screen.
The link will also be in the show notes, and so you can find
it there. And beyond that, there's something else that we
call a Smart Contact Toolkit. It's about two and a half or
three hours talking about how do you talk to another person when
you want to make sure that you're actually interacting with
each other in a way where that neither of you is pushing the
other away. Where neither of you is causing the other to have
some kind of consternation. And again, there's a link on the
screen for that, and there's a link in the show notes below.
Gaslighting - not good. Can you stop it? Yes, you can stop doing
it, or you can stop it being done to you. It's all about
truth and reality.