Hello, I’m psychedelically Andrew Heaton
and you’re trippin’ on some primo Mostly Weekly.
So last week, Jeff Session decided that facing a snowpocalypse, nuclear annihilation,
and ongoing White House investigations,
now is good time to crack down on…
pot.
Sessions is rescinding a Obama-era memo
keeping federal prosecutors from charging people for marijuana crimes
in states which have already legalized it.
Ahh but how could I be mad at that face?
There’s a notion that drug use is rare
and that drug users fall into two basic categories:
There’s the dangerous, crazy drug addict from an after-school special
"Man everybody blows pot."
"Is that a joint man?"
Or the lazy, dumb stoner-type from the Cheech and Chong film.
But drugs are a complex issue,
and it’s important to have a real conversation about them.
You can have your opinion about drugs and which should be legal.
But drug use isn't rare.
The National Survey on Drug Use and health estimates
that 48.5 percent of all Americans over the age of 12
have used an “illicit” drug at least once.
A more conservative estimate by the Mayo Clinic still says at least 20 percent.
And that number is rising.
Drug use is accelerating in certain unseemly and dangerous demographics.
I am of course talking about the affluent, the baby-boomers, and the women.
So when you picture a drug user, think Meryl Streep.
"I'm out of control, totally."
But it’s not just the overrated actresses of the world.
In fact, many of the most beloved and cherished icons of history
ingested, snorted, smoked and injected drugs.
Don’t believe me?
Well f**k you here’s a list:
That’s right.
Winston Goddamn-Bowtie-Rocking, Jowls-Having, Nazi-punching, Churchill.
After a stroke in 1953,
then-Prime Minister Winston Churchill was prescribed Drinamyl.
Part Barbiturate, part amphetamine and 100% illegal by today’s standards.
Not only did Churchill drink heavily,
he used Amphetamines like a Phi Beta Kappa the night before finals.
Churchill even had affectionate nicknames for the drug cocktails.
Like “Greens,” “Reds,” “Majors,” “Minors,” and “Lord Morans”
in honor of his script-happy doctor.
In fact, in 1942 Lady Astor reportedly quipped,
“Winston, you’re ugly.”
To which, Churchill rejoined,
“ARE MY TEETH FALLING OUT?
I’VE GOT TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE.”
Had Winston Churchill been caught with that type of amphetamine today
and had he been prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,
he would have received up to a year in prison.
Long before, cocaine became the drug of choice for suspenders-clad, 80s banker dickbags,
cocaine made its way into the hands of America’s most beloved inventor.
Edison drank it in a popular wine and became a big advocate,
claiming cocaine boosted his powers of perception.
Edison’s drug use might explain why the guy had over 1,093 patents.
Who else could’ve had the energy to invent a crank-powered phonograph
other than some coked out guy wanting to drop a beat.
Had Thomas Edison been caught with cocaine today
and had he been prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,
he would have been charged with a felony and served up to 3 years in prison.
Steve Jobs, turtleneck icon and founder of some fruit company,
took LSD and spoke quite openly about its importance in his life and career.
According to Jobs,
According his friend and coworker,
“LSD had been a very positive transformation in having thought.”
“Sounds like there was a little fire between you two.”
Hahahaha Jobs would’ve served 1 to 5 years in prison for possession
and possible intent to distribute,
had he been prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
American poet, playwright and Brooch sensation, Gertrude Stein
was a nonconformist of many stripes.
In particular, her loose attitude towards drug use.
Stein’s life partner, Alice B. Toklas even went so far as to write a bestselling cookbook
that included, you guessed it, a recipe for pot brownies.
If Stein or her partner Alice were caught in one of 28 states
and had she been prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,
Jeff Sessions could have thrown her into the clinker.
You might have mixed feelings about Rand.
But she did consume amphetamines.
Don’t believe me?
How else do you think Atlas Shrugged got to be a 1,168-page doorstop.
In 1942, Rand was prescribed Benzedrine, a type of amphetamine, to lose weight.
But instead, she found that Speed helped her books to gain weight.
She took the drug to finish The Fountainhead and averaged a chapter a week.
She was such a fan, she used amphetamines for 30 years.
And if Rand were caught with that kind of speed today,
she would have served a year in prison.
Thomas Jefferson is famous for the Louisiana Purchase, the Declaration of Independence,
and embarrassingly, owning people.
In his latter years Jefferson drank laudanum to ease his bowels.
And do you know what the principal ingredient of laudanum is?
Show me Opium!
And had Jefferson been caught with opium today
and had he been prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,
he would have served a year in prison.
And drug use is so common among former U.S. Presidents
it’s practically a requirement for the job.
Here’s a quick list of every President who did drugs.
Maybe it’s why the most common drug use device is… their face.
Those were just a couple famous and beloved people who did drugs.
And so here are a few others we didn’t have time for:
Carl Sagan, actually a big proponent of legalizing pot.
Benjamin Franklin, even more of a rascal.
And Cary Grant!
And just for fun, here are a few obvious ones:
And finally Mr. Rogers, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Alf,
did …. NOT do drugs.
But what if you found out that they had?
Would it render their accomplishments less valuable?
Would it change your admiration for Alf?
Now I’m not saying that drugs are good or bad.
Drug use can be incredibly harmful in the hands of an addict.
But drug policy is a complex issue with serious consequences.
So let’s have a real conversation about drugs.
We’re not doing any favors by reducing the national conversation to a cornball PSA:
"Marijuana, the burning weed with it's roots in hell!"
How much pot did you guys smoke?