>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME,
ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, TO "THE
LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND TODAY--
CHECK YOUR CALENDAR, CHECK YOUR CALENDAR, MY FRIEND, BECAUSE
TODAY IS FEBRUARY 1st.
AND I WANT TO WISH EVERYONE A HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!
( APPLAUSE )
CELEBRATE THE BLACK EXPERIENCE AND BLACK CONTRIBUTIONS TO OUR
COUNTRY.
AND FOR CORPORATE BRANDS, IT'S A TIME TO SUGGEST THAT LANGSTON
HUGHES WOULD HAVE LOVED THE NEW WENDY'S DOUBLE BACONATOR.
UNFORTUNATELY, 14 STATES HAVE A WEIRD WAY OF CELEBRATING BLACK
HISTORY MONTH WITH NEW RULES THAT LIMIT HOW TEACHERS CAN
TEACH BLACK HISTORY MONTH.
OR AS THE TEACHERS WILL NOW BE FORCED TO CALL IT...
"MONTH."
ONE EDUCATOR WARNED THAT TEACHERS COULD MENTION
JACKIE ROBINSON BROKE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL'S COLOR LINE BUT
NOT DISCUSS WHY BLACK PLAYERS WERE BANNED.
THEY COULD ALSO MENTION SOUL SINGER MARVIN GAYE BUT NOT
DISCUSS HIS "WHAT'S GOING ON" LYRICS.
INSTEAD, SCHOOL DISTRICTS WOULD HAVE TO TEACH THIS VERSION.
LOUIS?
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ MOTHER, MOTHER,
GEE, YOUR BLOUSE LOOKS NICE TODAY
♪ BROTHER, BROTHER, BROTHER I MADE YOU THIS FISH FILET
♪ YOU KNOW I JUST CAME HERE TO SAY
THAT EVERYTHING IS A-OKAY ♪ NOTHIN'S GOIN' ON
NOTHIN'S GOIN' ON ♪ NOTHIN'S GOIN' ON ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT I SOMEHOW STILL WANT TO HAVE SEX.
( LAUGHTER )
IS.
SPEAK OF TRYING-- ONE PERSON APPLAUDING ME HAVING SEX UP
THERE.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
SPEAKING OF TRYING TO ERASE HISTORY: WE'RE LEARNING MORE
ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT, "COUP-SSOLINI."
THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE JUST GOT NEW PROOF THAT HE WAS
DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN PROPOSALS TO USE HIS NATIONAL SECURITY
AGENCIES TO SEIZE VOTING MACHINES.
IT'S QUITE A TURN FOR AN ELECTION CAMPAIGN.
HIS SLOGAN WENT FROM "KEEP AMERICA GREAT" TO "SEIZE THEM,
YOU FOOLS!"
LET'S BE CLEAR: IT IS DIFFICULT AFTER YEARS OF BUILDING A THICK,
PROTECTIVE CALLOUS OVER MY HEART AND MY BRAIN JUST TO PROTECT
MYSELF FROM THE HOT, BLACK, TAR OF HIS NARCISSISTIC, EVIL
IMPULSES FOR ME TO TAKE THIS INFORMATION IN FOR THE
GARGANTUAN AND GROTESQUE VIOLATION OF EVERYTHING THAT
THIS COUNTRY HOLDS DEAR.
BUT I THINK IT'S WORTH TAKING A MOMENT RIGHT NOW TO LET THIS
SINK IN, TO MARINATE IN THE MADNESS.
AT HOME, YOU MIGHT WANT TO PAUSE YOUR DVR TO SCREAM INTO A BAG OR
PUNCH A HOLE IN THE DRYWALL, BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT,
STILL THE LEADER OF ONE OF THE TWO MAJOR PARTIES WHO HAS ALL OF
THE REPUBLICANS BALLS IN A LITTLE VELVET POUCH THAT HE
WEARS AROUND HIS NECK AS AN AMULET, WANTED U.S. TROOPS TO GO
INTO YOUR LOCAL POLLING PLACE, GRAB THE MACHINES, THROW 'EM IN
A TRUCK, THEN GOD KNOWS WHAT.
WATERBOARD THEM TILL THEY SAID HE WON?
YOU SHOULD BE ALARMED, EVEN IF YOU VOTED FOR HIM, BECAUSE
MILITARY COUPS DO NOT LEAD TO HEALTHY SOCIETIES.
NO ONE EVERY SAYS, "IF ONLY WE COULD EMULATE THE ECONOMIC
MIRACLE THAT IS MYANMAR."
AND HE TRIED SO HARD TO GET THIS DONE.
IN FACT, IN FACT--
MYANMAR.
IN FACT, IN HIS FOUR YEARS IN OFFICE THIS MAY BE THE THING HE
WORKED HARDEST ON.
IN NOVEMBER, HE ASKED WHETHER THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT COULD
SEIZE THE MACHINES, THEY SAID, "WHAT?
NO."
SO, HE DIRECTED HIS LAWYER, RUDOLPH W. GIULIANI, TO ASK THE
DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY IF IT COULD LEGALLY TAKE CONTROL
OF VOTING MACHINES IN KEY SWING STATES.
NO ONE ASKS IF THEY'RE LEGALLY ALLOWED TO DO SOMETHING UNLESS
THEY'RE PRETTY SURE IT'S ILLEGAL:
"HEY, YOU'RE MY LAWYER.
LET ME ASK YOU THIS.
IS THERE ANY WAY I COULD LEGALLY SELL HEROIN AS AN
ANTIDEPRESSANT?
NO?
WELL, THAT NEWS MAWKS ME REALLY SAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HELP?
A LITTLE BLACK TAR ZOLOFT!" THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND
SECURITY TURNED HIM DOWN.
BUT THE EX-PRESIDENT ALSO' REVIEWED A PROPOSAL TO HAVE
THE PENTAGON TAKE CONTROL OF THE MACHINES.
THAT IS HORRIFYING.
THE ONLY TIME THE MILITARY SHOULD TAKE CONTROL OF THE
MACHINES IS WHEN WE INEVITABLY GO TO WAR AGAINST OUR ROBOT
OVERLORDS.
I WILL NOT BOW DOWN BEFORE MY ROOMBA.
( LAUGHTER )
BY DISGRACED FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR MICHAEL FLYNN
AND DISGRACED CURRENT LAWYER SYDNEY POWELL.
BUT EVEN MR. GIULIANI FELT THAT THE IDEA OF BRINGING IN THE
MILITARY WAS BEYOND THE PALE.
DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY YOU HAVE TO BE TO HEAR THAT YOU'VE GONE
TOO FAR FOR RUDY GIULIANI?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE )
TOO MUCH TO DRINK FROM RUDY GIULIANI.
OR YOU'VE GOT TO GET THOSE BOTTOM TEETH FIXED, FROM RUDY
GIULIANI.
OR DON'T TRY TO FISH YOUR PENIS OUT IN FRONT OF A "BORAT" FILM
CREW, FROM RUDY GIULIANI.
AND SO FAR--
HEY, GUYS.
AND SO FAR, NONE OF THESE GOONS ARE IN JAIL.
OR DISBARRED.
BUT THAT COULD CHANGE...
IS WHAT I TELL MYSELF EVERY NIGHT WHEN MY HEAD HITS THE
PILLOW.
THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE IS LUCKY THEY'RE LEARNING ANY OF
THIS, BECAUSE SOME OF THE WHITE HOUSE RECORDS TURNED OVER TO
THEM HAD TO BE TAPED BACK TOGETHER BY NATIONAL ARCHIVES
STAFF BECAUSE THEY HAD BEEN RIPPED UP.
SOUNDS LIKE DURING THE PANDEMIC, THE PEOPLE AT THE NATIONAL
ARCHIVES ALSO GOT INTO PUZZLES: "OKAY, IT'S FUN.
I START WITH THE CORNERS, THEN I DO THE SIDES.
OOH!
GOT A KETCHUP STAIN HERE.
WAIT, I SAW ANOTHER ONE.
HERE'S ANOTHER RED ONE.
OH, THE REDS DON'T MATCH.
WAIT, THIS IS FROM MARCH 21.
THAT'S A TACO TUESDAY.
THIS IS SALSA!" NOW, IT VIOLATES THE
PRESIDENTIAL RECORDS ACT TO TEAR UP OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS.
BUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAD A VERY GOOD REASON: HE WAS AFRAID
OF GOING TO JAIL.
ALSO, HE WAS KNOWN INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE FOR HIS HABIT OF
TEARING PRESIDENTIAL RECORDS INTO SHREDS AND TOSSING THEM ON
THE FLOOR, WHICH ADVISERS CALLED HE PRESIDENT'S UNOFFICIAL
"FILING SYSTEM."
( LAUGHTER )
"FILING SYSTEM."
( AS MOB GUY )
THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA TESTIFY AGAINST US.
LET'S JUST SAY ROCCO IS FILING WITH THE FISHES."
( APPLAUSE )
IT WASN'T JUST TEARING.
ACCORDING TO WHITE HOUSE ADVISERS, HE ONCE ATE A
SENSITIVE DOCUMENT.
HE WOULD HAVE EATEN MORE SENSITIVE DOCUMENTS, BUT HE RAN
OUT OF RANCH.
( LAUGHTER )
PUBLIC OFFICE, FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND MAN DESCRIBING WHAT ADELE'S
MUSIC MEANS TO HIM, RON DESANTIS.
( AUDIENCE BOOS )
THERE WERE A COUPLE OF NAZI RALLIES IN ORLANDO.
I ASSUME THEY WERE TRYING TO ANNEX THE SUDETENLAND PAVILION
AT EPCOT.
NOW, THIS IS TERRIBLE, AND THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD TO
CONDEMN, UNLESS YOU'RE RON DeSANTIS, WHO REMAINED
SILENT.
IT'S BEEN SAID THE ONLY THING NECESSARY FOR EVIL TO SUCCEED IS
FOR GOOD MEN TO SAY NOTHING.
IT'S ALSO BAD WHEN RON DeSANTIS SAYS NOTHING.
THEN DeSANTIS GOT CORNERED BY SOME NO-GOOD REPORTERS WANTING
TO KNOW THINGS LIKE, "HEY, GOV: SO NAZIS?
WHERE DO YOU COME DOWN ON THAT WHOLE DEAL?"
BUT DeSANTIS IDENTIFIED THE TRUE ENEMY: DEMOCRATS.
>> WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY IS THESE PEOPLE, THESE DEMOCRATS
WHO ARE TRYING TO USE THIS AS SOME TYPE OF POLITICAL ISSUE TO
TRY TO SMEAR ME AS IF I HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT-- WE'RE
NOT PLAYING THEIR GAME.
>> Stephen: HE SEEMS TO THINK BEING ASKED HOW HE FEELS ABOUT
NAZIS IS SOME KIND OF GOTCHA QUESTION INSTEAD OF THE BIGGEST
SOFTBALL QUESTION OF ALL TIME.
WATCH.
I THINK NAZIS ARE BAD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOT FROM RON DeSANTIS.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE FAITH HILL AND CLARISSA WARD VIA SATELLITE FROM
UKRAINE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL TELL YOU WHETHER RUSSIA HAS INVADED
YET.
THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU.