LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS THE EMMY
AWARD WINNING BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY JUST DELIGHTFUL HOST
OF "THE DAILY SHOW" ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
PLEASE WELCOME OUR FRIEND, TREVOR NOAH.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> AH!
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: THANKS FOR COMING OVER HERE.
>> ARE YOU KIDDING.
>> Stephen: I KNOW YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SHOW TONIGHT.
>> WHEN STEPHEN COLBERT CALLS, YOU COME.
>> Stephen: THIS ALL GETS MIXED INTO YOUR EXECUTIVE TIME,.
>> DO YOU HAVE EXECUTIVE TIME.
>> Stephen: I'M THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER ON THE SHOW.
>> I TELL THE PEOPLE OF TRUTH OF WHAT I'M DOING.
THEY GO, WHAT, ARE YOU DOING?" AND I G, I NEED TO NAP."
AND I REALIZE TRUMP IS SMART.
YOU CALL IT EXECUTIVE TIME AND YOU SEEM IMPORTANT.
AYEIL HAVE TO WHISPER TO MY ASSISTANT.
SHE'LL SAY, "I NEED YOU."
AND I GO, "I NEED TO GO POOH."
AND SHE SAYS, "I'LL TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE BUSY."
"THIS IS EXECUTIVE TIME."
"IS THAT WHY YOUR OFFICE"-- THIS IS EXECUTIVE TIME.
>> Stephen: I LOVED DOING FIELD PIECES BACK IN THE DAY,
BUT BACK IN MY AT A, THE HOST DIDN'T DO THE FIELD PIECES.
YOU JUST DID AN AMAZING FIELD PIECE BACK IN YOUR HOME COUNTRY
IN SOUTH AFRICA.
WHAT WAS THAT LIKE GOING BACK THERE NOW?
>> IT WAS AMAZING.
I GOT TO GO TO SOUTH AFRICA FOR THE GLOBAL CITIZENS FESTIVAL,
CELEBRATING 100 YEARS OF NELSON MANDELA'S LIFE.
AND WAS--
>> YEAH, IT WAS AMAZE AGO.
>> Stephen: HEARD GREAT THINGS.
>> GREAT GUY, REALLY GREAT GUY.
YOU SHOULD READ UP ON HIM, GREAT GUY.
WHAT WAS COOL I GOT TO GO HOME AND IT WAS A VEST FALL OF MUSIC,
PEOPLE RAISING MONEY AND GETTING GOVERNMENTS TO ACT AND COMMIT
MORE MONEY TO EDUCATION AND LIFE-CHANGING POLICIES FROM
PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD.
JAY-Z AND BEYONCE WERE THERE-- IT'S THE REAL REASON I WENT.
BUT GOING HOME IS GREAT.
IT'S ALWAYS GREAT TO GO HOME.
>> Stephen: HOW FAMOUS ARE YOU IN SOUTH AFRICA?
CAN YOU WALK DOWNTOWN STREET THERE?
>> I CAN, BUT I'LL BE CHASED.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A ONE-MAN BEATLE.
>> PARTLY BECAUSE PEOPLE LOVE ME.
AND PARTLY BECAUSE I OWE A LOT OF PEOPLE MONEY.
IT'S GREAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN, THOUGH?
SOUTH AFRICA IS AN INTERESTING PLACE.
IT'S BEG BUT IT'S SMALL.
EVERYONE FEELS LIKE THEY KNOW EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: HOW BIG IS IT?
>> WE HAVE A POPULATION OF 50 MILLION.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE.
>> LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY-- TO FLY FROM ONE CORNER OF AFRICA TO
THE OTHER IS A TWO-HOUR FLIGHT.
IT'S TOO BIG.
FOR PEOPLE, THEY KNOW ME MORE.
PEOPLE WILL BE LIKE, "TREVOR!
TREVOR!" "WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HANG OUT."
MY GRANDMOTHER, FOR INSTANCE-- I INTERVIEWED MY GRANDMOTHER FOR
"THE DAILY SHOW."
SHE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT I DO.
WHEN THEY SAY WE SAW YOUR GRANDSON ON THE SHOW.
SHE THINKS THEY MEAN SOMEWHERE.
SHE SAYS, THEY SAW YOU ON DAILY SHOW.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD IS SHE?
>> MY GRANDMOTHER IS 96, 96.
>> Stephen: STILL SHARP?
>> YEAH.
STILL, LIKE, SUPER SHARP, SUPER FUNNY.
>> Stephen: WAS SHE A BIG PART OF YOUR CHILDHOOD?
>> SHE WAS, SHE WAS.
HER BIG JOB WAS WHEN MY MOM WAS WORKING, HER JOB WAS TO KEEP ME
IN THE HOUSE AND STOP ME FROM PLAYING OUTSIDE.
I TALK ABOUT THIS IN MY BOOK.
I WANTED TO PLAY WITH THE OTHER KIDS, BUT BECAUSE I WAS A MIXED
RACE CHILD THAT WAS ILLEGAL IN SOUTH AFRICA AND MY GRANDMOTHER
HAD TO KEEP ME INDOORS BECAUSE THE PRELIMINARY ACCOMPLICE WOULD
TAKE ME AWAY.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THE EVIDENCE OF YOUR CRIME IS YOU.
>> IF YOU SAW ME, YOU WOULD BE LIKE, MY MOM-- SOMETHING
HAPPENED HERE.
THERE WAS SOME CHOCOLATE THAT MIX THE WITH SOMETHING ELSE.
AND THIS CAME OUT.
THERE'S CARAMEL.
>> Stephen: YOU MENTIONED YOUR BOOK, "BORN A CRIME."
THIS IS OUR IN PAPERBACK RIGHT NOW.
>> YES, IT'S REALLY EXCITING.
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING, THAT'S ONE THING.
THE BOOK COMES OUT IN PAPERBACK.
SURE, EVERYBODY DOES THAT.
YOU HAVE ACTUALLY JUST PUT OUT A-- IT'S TREVOR NOAH, "BORN A
CRIME."
THIS IS A YOUNG READER'S VERSION OF YOUR BOOK.
>> YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHY?
I HAD SO MANY PARENTS COME UP TO ME, MY KID LOVES THE BOOK BUT
THERE ARE SOME WORDS I DON'T WANT THEM TO READ.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S OUT OF THIS BOOK THAT'S IN THIS BOOK THAT
WOULD DESTROY THE MINDS OF OUR CHILDREN.
>> LIKE, IN THAT BOOK THERE MIGHT BE THE WORD MOTHER... YOU
KNOW?
JUST ONE TIME.
IT'S PART OF A STORY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ONLY DIFFERENCE?
>> NO, NO, NO.
SO, OKAY, OKAY, IN THAT BOOK, IN THAT BOOK, I TELL THE STORY OF
HOW I-- SO MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER, WHO LIVED IN THE HOUSE WITH US
WAS BLIND, AND I TELL THE STORY HOW I TOOK A (BLEEP) IN THE
KITCHEN BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO GO OUTSIDE.
THE TOILET WAS OUTSIDE, AND IT WAS RAINING, AND I DIDN'T WANT
TO GO OUTSIDE.
AND IT WAS JUST ME AND MY BLIND GRANDMOTHER AND I TOOK A (BLEEP)
IN THE KITCHEN.
AND I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS THERE.
AND HALFWAY THROUGH DOING MY BUSINESS, I TURNED, AND I WAS
LIKE, "AAAHHH."
AND HER NOSE DRINKLED, AND SHE WAS LIKE, "IS SOMEONE THERE.
I TELL THE STORY.
I KEEP THE STORY IN BOTH BOOKS.
BUT FOR THE KIDS I SAY POOH.
I DON'T SAY (BLEEP).
BUT (BLEEP) WAS CRAZY.
>> Stephen: LET ME GET TO THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION HERE.
THESE TWO COVERS, OKAY.
ON ONE OF THEM YOU'RE DOING THIS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: RIGHT HERE.
YOU'RE DOING THIS ON ONE.
>> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: AND YOU'RE DOING THIS ON THE OTHER.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO
POSTURES.
>> I THINK FOR THE CHILDREN-- CHILDREN-- CHILDREN RELATE MORE
TO THAT SECOND ONE THERE.
THE OTHER ONE A LITTLE MORE GRITTY.
IT'S WEATHERED -- THIS IS HOW A CHILD WOULD DRAW THIS COVER, I
FEEL.
THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT TWO DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL STATES.
>> IT'S RELATING, IT'S RELATING.
IT'S FOR THE CHILDREN.
>> Stephen: EVERYTHING YOU DO IS FOR THE CHILDREN.
"THE DAILY SHOW" IS FOR THE CHILDREN.
>> I'M FOR THE CHILDREN.
SUFFERING CHILDREN COME TO ME FOR THEIRS ARE THE KINGDOM OF
HEAVEN.
>> Stephen: AMEN, AMEN, REVEREND.
THE REVEREND DR. TREVOR NOAH OVER THERE.
I'LL JOIN YOUR CULT.
>> WE BOTH GREW UP IN SUPER RELIGIOUS CATHOLICS.
>> Stephen: YES, WHAT WAS YOUR.
>> MY MOTHER CONVERTED TO JUDAISM.
IT WAS CRAZY FOR ME BECAUSE I HAD A BAR MITZVAH, BUT SHE
DIDN'T EXPLAIN WHAT THAT WAS, AND ALL MY FRIENDS WERE BLACK
AND NONE OF THEM CAME.
IF THEY KNEW IT WAS A PARTY PEOPLE WOULD HAVE COME.
I'M LIKE, "I'M HAVING A BAR BAR MITZVAH."
AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT IS THAT?"
AND I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW."
SHE SAID, "YOU'RE 13 AND NOW YOU'RE A MAN."
SHE DIDN'T TELL ME WANT MONEY PART.
WHEN I TELL MY JEWISH FRIENDS NOW, I SAY, "I HAD A BAR
MITZVAH."
AND THEY SAY, "HOW MUCH DID YOU GET?"
AND I GO TO MY MOTHER, WRSTLES THE MONEY PART.
AND SHE SAID WE COULDN'T DO THE MONEY PART.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU JEWISH.
>> MIEW MOTHER IS JEWISH.
SHE THREW ME INTO THE BAR MITZVAH.
I DON'T THINK IT WORKS LIKE THAT.
YOU DON'T GET GRANDFATHERED IN.
IT'S NOT LIKE OBAMACARE.
I DON'T GET TO COME IN JUST BECAUSE I'M UNDER A CERTAIN AGE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE )
TALK ABOUT THE NEWS FOR JUST A MOMENT, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU HAVE
TO DO YOUR JO SHOW.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHAT I CALLED THE KABUKI THEATER OF
THIS WEEK, WHERE TRUMP IS PRETENDING TO BE UNHAPPY, AND
THE DEMOCRATS ARE PRETENGD THEY DIDN'T GIVE HIM SOMETHING HE
WANTED.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE THIS WEEK AND ALL THE DISCUSSION OF WHERE HE
OR WON'T HE SIGN IT?
>> I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.
I'VE GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE IN AMERICA YOU NEED TO LIMIT ALL
POLITICIANS TO A SINGLE TERM.
I'LL BE HONEST.
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY.
BUT I THINK AMERICA HAS GOTTEN IT A PLACE WHERE ALL YOUR
POLITICIANS ARE MORE FOCUSED ON GETTING RE-ELECTED THAN DOING
WHAT THEY WERE ELECTED TO DO.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT'S A MEANINGFUL ARGUMENT.
>> SO TRUMP, TRUMP IS STRESSED BECAUSE HE WANTS TO SAY HE GOT
THE WALL.
HE DOES NOT CARE IF IT'S FIVE METERS OF WALL OR 2,000 METERS.
HE DOES NOT CARE.
HOW MANY MILES -- >> Stephen: IN HIS RE-ELECTION
COMMERCIAL A WALL IS A WALL.
>> HE JUST WANTS TO SAY, "I GOT THE WALL."
IT'S WILD.
"WALLS SAVE LIVES.
WALLS ARE THE AGREEMENT THING.
SO GREAT!
SO GREAT!" >> Stephen: AS LONG AS THEY'RE
SEE-THROUGH.
>> DON'T YOU LOVE HOW WHENEVER TRUMP SPEAKS IT SOUNDS LIKE
SOMEONE POURED ANTS INTO HIS CLOTHES JUST BEFORE HE CAME OUT
STAGE AND THEY'RE BITING HIM.
SO MY FELLOW AMERICANS!
I JUST WANTED!
YOU TO KNOW!
WE SAID!
( LAUGHTER )
BREAK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE TREVOR NOAH.
I WANT TO ASK HIM ABOUT JEFF BEZOS' JUNK.
IT WILL BE VERY, VERY HIGH BROW.