Do you want to know why narcissists really don't like holidays and make everyone miserable
on them? Well, by the end of this video, you're going to know exactly why.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung, and I have been recognized as one of the top attorneys in the country by
venerated organizations, such as U.S. News, Legal Elite, and more. I have written two best-selling
books, which are, Negotiate Like YOU M.A.T.T.E.R. and Breaking Free: A Step‑By‑Step Divorce Guide.
I've helped millions of people, just like you, who are stuck with narcissists in either a business
relationship, a romantic relationship, or family relationship, or whatever it is.
I've given them the tools, the resources, the access that they needed to get out of these
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I personally have had to deal with holidays and narcissists on a couple of levels, one is
as a lawyer. And I have practiced divorce law for a very long time in high net worth cases, high
conflict divorce litigation cases. And so I've seen how narcissists act around
the holidays there. I've also had to deal with them in my personal life.
One of the narcissists that I actually had to deal with who had targeted me
and victimize me is a member of my extended family, unfortunately. And so I've had to deal
with it there as well. So, I've seen it firsthand in a couple of different ways. And it's so kind of
curious, right? Like, why do they want to ruin a special day, a day that's a
happy day, a wonderful occasion? Whether it's a special holiday like Christmas or Hanukkah
or something like a birthday or some other special occasion, a wedding, something like that. That's
when they always seem to flare up. They're like a bad rash. Like, “Ugh,
there it is back again.” Or this cancer, right? That you just can't seem to get rid of.
You think that maybe it's in remission or maybe it's dormant or maybe it went away for a little
bit, but then boom! There you are, holiday, beautiful day, turkey coming out of the oven
or whatever it is, and there they are being their narky, jackass-y selves. And you think,
why? Why do you have to ruin a perfectly good day? A day of happiness, a day of joy,
connectedness, togetherness, peace, love, all those good things. And then there they are.
So, why they do that? Well, a number of reasons. One is because they don't like attention
being taken away from them. I mean, that's just like this most simplest thing, right?
Narcissists need to have an endless amount of supply source coming their way, and
they don't like having to share that supply. They don't want anybody else to be thinking about other
things other than them. And so here we are, here's a day where maybe the focus isn't them. Maybe
it's a wedding, maybe it's Christmas, maybe it's whatever. And it's about somebody else that day.
And so either everyone's attention is going to be on this other person or this other occasion. But
most importantly, what they really don't want is you, main source of supply, to be thinking about
this other stuff. Because you, main source of supply, should be focused right on them
and doing everything they want you to do and making sure that their ego is taken care of.
Remember that supplies anything that feeds a narcissist ego, so it can be attention and it
can be respect or whatever, but it can also be devaluing and creating havoc and making
you squirm and making your life miserable and intimidating you and all of those wonderful
things. They're so charming, aren't they? Anyway, when you're taking your attention
away from them, they feel devalued. They get enraged, they get angry.
They don't want to see any of their source of supply going any other direction other than them.
And so it can become a problem if there's a day that's devoted to something else or someone else.
The next reason that narcissists really don't like holidays and tend to ruin them is because
they hate the obligation of having to take care of somebody other than themselves. So,
if it's an occasion where it's maybe your birthday or Christmas or something like that, and they're
going to have to now get you a gift or go buy you something and have to do something for you,
they really resent that. They hate the fact that they have to do something for someone else. They
feel like it's almost like this obligation that's been placed upon them, and they have serious
contempt and resentment for having to do that. I know of somebody who their marriage was kind
of close to the end. And one of the things that the wife really, really wanted to
have him prove to her that he really did still want to be in the marriage and all of that was to
do something special for her birthday. When the day came around, he made a dinner reservation,
but he didn't make it for the right number of people. He didn't make it at the right place.
He just did it at the last second. He got her a birthday gift at the last second. It was something
that he got on sale and something with no thoughts, something he'd already given her before.
And if you want to know more about how narcissists are as far as gift giving, check out my video on
red flags, you're in a relationship with a narcissist by looking at their gifts. And
so what are the things that they do is they put the bare minimum in. It's like, “Okay, I know I
can't not at least make the dinner reservation for the birthday. So, I'm going to at least do that,
but that's the bare minimum. That's all I'm going to have to do because I hate the fact that I even
had to do that.” And so they'll do the bare, bare, bare minimum because they don't want everybody
else to see that they didn't do anything. And so it ends up kind of ruining that day for you.
It ruins that holiday. It ruins the feeling. Another thing that I've seen them do as far
as ruining holidays is say that a gift has been ordered or something like that, because they show
up with nothing. And then you find out down the road that they didn't even order the gift until
after the occasion, or maybe it was the morning of, or something like that. And they show up and
they say, “Oh, it didn't show up on time.” Or something like that. That's a way of actually
creating havoc and upsetting you and that sort of thing.
If you think it's time to cancel them out of your life and enjoy your holidays,
just give me a “so canceled” in the comments. Another reason that narcissists ruin holidays
is because any supply is good supply. And so by getting your attention, by upsetting you,
you're now no longer dealing with what's going on over there. Your attention has been diverted back
to them. Pay attention to them. And so even if it's to pick a fight with you, even if it's to say
what you're wearing makes you look fat or, “Are you going to wear that dress?” Or whatever it is,
“You were terrible at grilling the food.” Whatever it is that is something that they're picking
a fight about. They often do that because they want your attention. They want you to be upset.
I know somebody whose husband, every time there would be an occasion, he would get super drunk
and embarrass her and embarrass everybody. But then guess what? He got all the attention that
he wanted, didn't he? Everybody's talking about how terrible he was and everybody's
attention was now diverted toward him. Because it's so sad and it's really, really pathetic,
but you will see narcissists doing whatever they need to, to get the attention
aka the supply that they need to get. As a divorce attorney, I've seen people,
a lot of times, they just get through the holidays and then there's a big surge in filings in
January. I've often heard that January is divorce month and there's a number of reasons for that,
but I think a lot of times it's because narcissists were acting up during the holidays
and you just think, “That's enough. I don't want to have to do this anymore. New year, new life.
I'm not going to do this. And I'm going to create my new world and I'm taking this energy out of my
space.” So, I have a feeling that this January, just like every January, there will be another
surge in divorce filings. And probably a lot of it comes back to exactly this reason, which is
narcissists ruined the holidays. You know, there's 1 in 10 narcissists in the world, and
a lot of those people are married to people. So, I have a feeling that we're going to see this.
So, if you are dealing with a narcissist over the holidays and you are seeing this
kind of behavior or you're expecting it because you've seen it before,
just remember to not expect them to be anything other than who they are. They are broken people,
there's something inherently wrong with them inside, and you're not going to fix that. And
by engaging with it, it's not going to make it any better. Scolding them won't make them any better,
and shaming them won't make them any better. All of those things that you feel like doing,
smacking them down, telling them off, crying, whatever it is that you can think of, won't
make it any better. The only thing that will make it any better is not to engage with it and just
expect them to do whatever it is that they're going to do. Almost like a two-year-old,
when they have a tantrum on the floor over in the corner, you just let them go have their
tantrum and you continue on and drink your coffee or whatever it is that you're doing.
And so when they start baiting you, giving you a reason to be upset, then just say, “Okay,
I see what you're doing. You're trying to ruin the holiday. I'm not going to let you do it.”
You don't even have to say that out loud, you just say whatever you need to say that's just as
innocuous and non-engaging as possible. Because then you don't give them that supply. And if
they're not going to get it from you, then they're going to have to go slither away and
get it from somebody else, which is fine. But then at least it's not from you, right?
So, if you are dealing with a narcissist during the holidays, take heart,
don't worry about it. I promise you that you are not the only one. If you really want to make sure
that you're not the only one, come join me in my free private Facebook group, which is Narcissist
Negotiators with Rebecca Zung. You'll see that there's lots of people who are dealing with
exactly what you're dealing with there too. And if you're getting ready to negotiate with one,
grab my free Crush My Negotiation prep worksheet. You can get that at winmynegotiation.com. Just go
to winmynegotiation.com and it's all yours. Relief is on the way.
Breaking free is just around the corner. If you liked this video, give it a like, share it,
drop me a comment, and make sure to subscribe and hit that notification bell. I'm Rebecca Zung. So
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Thanks so much for joining me today. I'm Rebecca Zung. Remember,
today's a great day to start negotiating your best life. I'll see you in the next video.