We don't always have enough time to cover all
of the recent news, so, here, with a recap is
"Late Night" writer Amber Ruffin in a segment we call
"Amber Says What."
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-You guys, things have been crazy!
Okay, first of all, I found out that there isn't gonna be
a big, fat Emmy ceremony this year.
And I was like, "What?!"
They were like, "We are still not gathering in large groups."
And I was like, "What?!"
I miss people!
Then, they were like, "This is good for you, Amber,
because you're not gonna be able to get drunk
and act a fool in a formal gown."
And I was like, "What?!
You can't tell me what to do."
Then, Donald Trump bragged about passing a cognitive test
and I was like, "What?!"
Do you think they give those to everybody?
They give them to people who are losing their dang minds.
This is like you bragging you took a sobriety test.
If you weren't swerving all over the place,
you wouldn't have to identify shapes and animals.
Tsk. You wanna impress me?
Spell cognitive.
The test is too easy.
Look, I'll take it right now.
Idiot.
I passed!
Then, a megachurch pastor in Atlanta suggested that,
instead of saying white privilege,
that people should say white blessing
and I was like, "What?!"
White blessing?!
You mean my nickname for Anderson Cooper?
White blessing?!
You mean the stripper from Tina's bachelorette party?
White blessing?!
Sounds like the nastiest sex move.
Then, I read a story about how a Black man
carried a Black Lives Matter counterprotester to safety
and I was like, "What?!"
But the makers of "The Green Book"
were like, "What?!
We had better get to writing this story
from the perspective of the man who was carried!"
You know what they're gonna call that movie, don't you?
Then, I found out there was gonna be
a professional women's soccer team
in Los Angeles,
with Serena Williams and Natalie Portman as investors
and I was like, "What?!
Hurray!"
I'm gonna find out when auditions are
and prepare a dramatic monologue.
Then, my friend told me it's not auditions, it's tryouts,
and you don't prepare a monologue. You play the sport.
And I was like, "Okay, fine, but,
I'm still gonna wear a gown."
Speaking of sports, I found out about the NBA bubble
and I was like, "What?!"
Because -- and the thing about the NBA bubble is
it's a metaphorical bubble in a physical --
-Amber, you don't have to talk about that.
-Yay!
Then, I saw that people are circulating a petition
to replace Confederate statues with statues of Dolly Parton
and I was like, "What?!"
Now, that's what I call a white-centered solution.
No shade to Dolly, but, if slave owners get replaced
with anything less Black than Malcolm X,
I will freak the [bleep] out.
Then, Ivanka Trump was like, "Eat these beans!"
And I was like, "What?! No!"
Then, Obama and Joe Biden sat down
for a socially distanced conversation
and I was like, "What
are you doing, sitting so far away from each other?"
Is it six feet or sixty feet?
Obama, are you trying to distance yourself from Biden?
That's not gonna work 'cause he mentions you in every sentence.
Then, infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci
threw out the first pitch
at the Washington Nationals' Opening Day
and I was like, "What
are you doing playing catch?!"
You had better get inside and take care of America!
I'm walking around with a cut-up sock on my face
and you are at recess?
Get inside and do something!
Then, I saw the pitch and felt better
because it was clear he didn't waste any time practicing.
Then, Marco Rubio posted a picture of him
and the late Congressman John Lewis,
but it was actually a picture of him
and the late Congressman Elijah Cummings
and I was like, "What?!"
Do you think that all of us look alike?
By "us," I mean, people who don't like you.
Then, I heard that Jennifer Hudson
is gonna play Aretha Franklin in a new biopic
and I was like -- [ Gasp ]
♪ Just a little what, just a little what ♪
♪ What it to me, what it to me, what it to me, what it to me ♪
Then, the most confusing thing in the world happened.
Okay, Trump was gonna give a speech
and he had these two trucks there,
a blue one with a bunch of weight in the bed
and a sign that said...
...and then, a red one, with no weights, that said...
I guess it was supposed to represent
how free Republicans are.
Look, I think it's nuts
and it brings us to a segment called
"Amber Says Why."
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You wanted to make some point
about how regulations weigh you down
and this is how you chose to do it?"
Why?
Why this?
Why did someone do this and what is the this that they did?
What's the point of this, to prove it could be done?
Why?
Why did someone do this?
What was the desired effect?
Laughter, pride, shame, what?
What is this, a dare?!
What? Why?!
Why is this happening and what is what is happening?
Why this? This, why?!
Why did this happen and why did you let someone
take pictures of it while it was happening?
Did you know this was gonna be public?
Was it meant to be private?
Did you know that people can see this?
I can see this!
Where did this idea come from,
a dream, a threat?
Where?!
Did this happen against your will
or was this exactly what you wanted?
And, if so, why is this a want that you have?
[ Clapping ] Why are your wants bad?
Don't you want good? Why?!
Did a dumb person tell you this was not dumb or --
and this is what I think happened --
did a smart person who hates you tell you this was not dumb?
Who lied?!
How many people had to lie
for this to take place, one, 100?
Did you think that this was what someone wanted done
and who are they and are they okay?
In closing, why?!
This has been "Amber Says What & Then She Says Why."
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