my next guest tonight is a very unusual comedian not only is this his network television debut
but he says that it is also the first time he's ever been out of his house he'll be
he'll be appearing this week at the richmond comedy club in richmond
richmond virginia please welcome now mr emo phillips
thank you david thank all of you i'm glad you're in a good mood um i'm in a good mood too
i had quite a laugh today um at the expense of the service station attendant he was attempting
to scrape the bird droppings off my windshield and i never let on that they were on the inside
so oh yeah found a wallet today on 47th street i was gonna keep
it rather than return it i thought if i lost a hundred dollars how would i feel
i realized that i would want to be taught a lesson uh so
i kept it yeah i went to confession today saint patrick's although i'm not catholic i go every
now and then i say bless me father for i have sinned i'm just in here to develop film and
he hates that yeah i'm religious you could probably tell huh
yeah he used to pray every night when i was a kid for a new bicycle and then i realized the
lord and his wisdom doesn't work that way so i just stole one and asked him to forgive me
i got it yeah i had a nice childhood very close relationship with this other kid i
was his imaginary friend yeah i'd be in my backyard lighting my own business the other
kids would call me names you know like puke face or uh neo calvinist and i'd uh
run after them but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back and
they would escape yeah remember once school is fun once we're taking a test and i was copying this
other kid's paper i guess the teacher heard my xerox machine and she said emo am i stupid or were
you cheating oh yes and no and she sends me to the principal and they sits i sit down and he says
i said i'm the one in the middle you're drunk and you know and uh he said how would you like to
repeat the fifth grade so i don't know if i can do it exactly but uh i'll give it a try and he
says you know i could expel you i said you'll have to catch and eat me first you know you feel weird
um and he says emo you have to go to the school psychologist
i said why do i have to go to this psychologist so he shows me the petition and uh uh
i uh like oh this guy says emo what does his inkblot look like to us and well it's
kind of embarrassing he said you know everyone sees something silly what does it look like to
you i said well to me it looks like standard pattern number three in the roche x series to
test obsessive compulsiveness you know and uh he gets kind of depressed i said okay
it's a butterfly you know and he cheers up he says what does this ink plot look like ezreal
it looks like a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of men into a
vortex of sin and degradation he uh said all the inkblots over there that's a photo of my wife
you're looking at uh so i said was i her office so no that's the tragedy
and uh he said emo you've been such a good boy i want you to have this chocolate easter bunny on me
i said i'll slip off he said well try it anyway tiger so i i ate the chocolate bunny and i i
said wait a second was this a test he says yeah i said what does it mean he said well
had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal uh had you eaten the feet first you would
have had an inferiority complex had you eaten the tail first you would have red light and homosexual
tendencies had you eaten the breasts first you would have adelated at a pole complex i said well
go on what does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream stop staring at me you know and
you know and he says well it shows you a tendency towards self-destruction what do you recommend he
says go for it baby so there you go thank you you folks have been wonderful you've really cheered me
up i needed cheering up i i loaned a friend of mine a thousand dollars for plastic surgery and
now i don't know what he looks like so thank you very much
nice to see the very very funny very unusual very different nice to have here what does the
the name emo mean can i ask you that it's it's my christian name yeah and my buddhist name
uh no that's it's my name i'm sorry no no you don't need to apologize wait i think you're
probably the first one we've had on named emo no nice to see you yeah oh yeah when
this country plays iran you know uh you'll be able to it's the pleasure to be indoors
thank you how do you like being in new york have you been here much
oh yes i liked it i was at the library though the guy's very rude no yeah i said i like it
cardi he says yeah you have to prove you're a citizen of new york you know so i stabbed him and
he gave it to me yeah yeah i was running through central park you know and i had
an asthmatic attack these three asthmatics jumped me i know i should have heard him hiding
we'll be right back folks
emo thank you very much for being here thank you richmond thank you and come back and see us sir
also my thanks to tom savini sheryl teagues larry paul and of course bill wendell we'll
see you folks tomorrow night have a nice evening thank you very much
you