Alright, I'm going to let you in a little bit of my,
we've been having fun here and telling some jokes,
having a little fun with some sketches,
but I'm gonna let you
in on some reality here for a second.
True story, alright?
I came into work this morning,
as I always do,
and I was told that one of my writers,
Michael Koman, had called in sick.
There's Michael Koman right there.
(audience laughs)
It's a recent photo of his grinning puss.
(audience laughs)
Now I'll be honest with you,
Michael seemed perfectly fine yesterday,
and as you can all see from that photo
he's a young, healthy guy.
So something just didn't sit right with me, okay?
So, I decided on the spur of the moment
to go see his apartment
and see for myself how sick he really was.
This is just a couple of hours ago.
And like I said,
I decided this very quickly.
He had no idea I was coming.
We didn't call first or anything.
I just grabbed a camera crew,
we jumped in a van.
I found out where he lives,
I went down there to find out
is this guy sick or not?
What the hell is going on?
(audience laughs)
Here's what happened.
Okay, I'm here in the West Village.
About an hour and a half ago,
one of our writers,
Michael Koman, called in sick.
Frankly, I didn't believe his story.
So I jumped in a van, I came down.
Let's find out what's really happening.
Let's go.
How are you?
We're here to see Michael Koman.
I'm Conan O'Brien, from TV's Conan O'Brien show.
Hi, how are you doing? I'm familiar with the show.
Oh, you're familiar with the show?
Good to see you. What is your name?
George.
George, good to see you ol' chum.
Michael Koman lives here?
Yes.
He's my writer.
Yes.
We'd like to go up and see him.
Is that possible?
Yes, right here.
Very good. Very high security here.
(audience laughs)
Let's check on him.
(doorbell rings)
Ah!
Hi, fellas.
How are ya, buddy boy?
Pretty good, how are you?
I have a little sore throat.
You really are sick? Yeah.
How sick are you?
Well, my throat is sore
and I have kind of like a chill
on like, my back.
(audience laughs)
Do you have a problem?
Well, there's sick, and then there's,
"I'm so sick, I can't come in and work."
You've been drinking a lot of liquids?
Yeah.
Do you think you're running a temperature?
I'm not sure. I might be.
Why don't we find out?
Can I have the thermometer, please?
Why don't you put that under your tongue, please.
It's clean?
Yeah, it's pretty clean.
We found that outside.
(audience laughs)
Do you think that you stayed home to
keep other writers from getting sick?
No, honestly, it didn't seem like a-
Please don't speak while you have the-
Okay.
(audience laughs)
But why do you think you stayed home?
Try this one, it's digital.
(audience laughs)
What were you doing when we buzzed upstairs?
I was sleeping.
(thermometer beeps)
Ah, digital.
96.8.
Wow, you're at death's door.
Orbit gum.
Yeah.
Sugar-free. Can I have some of that?
Yeah, might not be fresh.
Do you think you caught this cold from anybody?
Well, right, I mean, how else do you get a cold?
So you're being snotty about my question.
(audience laughs)
A little bit.
Well, I don't even know what it means.
"Did you catch this cold from somebody?"
Yeah, I probably caught this cold from somebody.
Whatever I have.
Well, the first symptoms is acting like a dick.
(audience laughs)
And I was concerned about you,
so I came over to see how you were doing.
You could've called.
I would have woken you up.
Why do you have so much gum?
I was against this idea.
I would have been too.
What could I have possibly offered?
I said, I don't understand how this works.
"Get a camera crew, go down there. He's not-".
I was like, well, he probably is really sick.
And he's just sick.
But they whined and whined, and here I am.
I'm honestly trying to play along.
I don't have a lot to offer comedically right now,
but I mean, So what else is new?
(audience laughs)
I'm going to take your blood pressure if you don't mind
I'm just going to kill time at this point
because I don't want to go back to the office too quickly.
Right.
Well, yeah, you never know.
You've seen some of the turds you guys squeeze out?
Blood pressure's perfect.
It's exactly
Perfect blood pressure.
Perfect temperature.
Quite frankly, you can't prove anything.
If I say I'm sick and I kind of talk in a weak voice,
you have to take my word for it.
Why?
If I worked at a bank,
the president of the bank
wouldn't come to my house and swab my throat.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I happen to know a little something
about the old drain pipe.
Oh, actually that looks very red.
Oh man. Do you see that?
(audience groans)
You know what? I really don't want that.
I really don't want to get sick.
They sent me down here and it's clear to me now
that I'm going to get that.
If I have this,
Yeah?
In two days, will you come to my apartment?
Yes.
Good luck getting in.
It's a real apartment building.
(audience laughs)
This is my Christmas gift to my staff.
I don't know if it's sad that I insist
that my face be on everything that I give to anybody.
Where are you going?
This is a trip that
I haven't even unpacked from in San Francisco.
Liar! Look at this!
You were planning a trip to France today,
yeah, your little day off with sickness,
and you've got a packed bag?
You're not supposed to have this.
This is for audience members only.
This is for people in the audience, you took this?
Well yeah, there was a closet full of them.
Thief! As well as a liar.
How do you like that?
I don't like it at all.
Well stop sucking off my tit, okay?
(audience laughs)
Alright? No, honestly,
This cow can only give so much sweet milk.
I want to stop screwing around,
let's go to work, okay?
Okay.
Let's go.
That gum is lasting a long time, that I ate.
Thanks.
I wasn't complimenting you.
(audience laughs)
He's as healthy as a horse.
No temperature. Yeah?
Blood pressure is perfectly normal.
He seems fine.
Okay, I'm impressed.
George said you seemed fine to him.
Thanks for letting him up, George.
Yeah you're a good man, George.
We'll see you later.
See you later, sir.
See you later.
(audience cheers)
Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Micheal Koman!
Now Micheal, you, uh,
I'm told about half an hour ago
you did see the MBC doctor?
Yes, I did.
Okay, and you're not really sick, are you?
No, I'm not.
(audience laughs)
So Michael, I'm to understand you're completely clean?
Well, not exactly.
(audience cheers)
Don't screw with me ever again.