So last night, uh, was a big night for show biz.
Everyone's buzzing about it. Let's just get into it.
It was the XFL season opener over the weekend.
-(laughter) -Can you believe it?
I'm a diehard Seattle Dragons fan.
You know what? And they (bleep) doubted us.
No one thought we'd be one and oh right now.
Oh, and there were the Oscars. All right.
I'll just say upfront, I was a little surprised
that Parasite had the sweep.
I thought with all the subtitles,
it was maybe gonna win Best Book.
-(laughter) -But, you know...
I'm gonna wait for the English remake, Crazy Broke Asians.
(laughter)
-(applause and cheering) -Yeah.
They have all these prop bets, you know, for the Oscars.
I wish I had taken, uh,
"Best Actor that talks about cow jiz
at some point during his speech."
(laughter, applause)
That was three to one.
Could have cleaned up.
Uh, Billie Eilish was there
to perform the In Memoriam segment.
And she was good.
She only stopped five times to point at the screen and go,
-"Who's that?" -(laughter)
"Oh, they're dead? So they were alive?
So, okay. That sucks."
♪ La, la, la-la. ♪
Anyway, what did you guys think?
I loved how drunk Diane Keaton was.
Oh, yeah. Was she, uh...?
Was she drunk, or something was going on?
I mean, I don't know. She was definitely toking
on a little Bong Joon, if you know what I'm saying.
-Ee-ooh, ee. -That's how ladies act around Keanu.
Even me. I'm like, "Oh, oh.
Keanu."
He's got that effect on ladies.
That's right. With... DiCaprio usually brings his mom.
-But he brought his date this time. -FEIMSTER: Mm-hmm.
And he's like, "Hey, Mom, maybe you can go with Keanu.
I don't know." He's sort of, uh...
I thought... I thought Joaquin's speech was great, man.
-SPADE: Yeah? -I really liked it.
Uh, and, uh, I was just happy
to see some straight white men represented finally.
-FEIMSTER: Yeah. -SPADE: Finally.
With... with Eminem and everyone winning.
I was half waiting for them to be like,
"We'd like to award Bob Saget
with a Lifetime Achievement Award."
(laughter)
Yeah, I liked Joaquin's speech.
As an inseminated cow myself. Like...
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
I like that he... I like that he was saying like,
"We're not good enough to cows." I'm like,
"Yeah, we just started respecting women in Hollywood
four weeks ago." What?
-(laughter) -Four weeks ago, really?
I don't understand the, like... Do we drink milk or do we not?
(laughter)
-I don't know. -He was a little murky about that.
-Yeah, he sort of jumped around. -Yeah.
I love Joaquin, 'cause he's bananas.
I think it's really fun to watch him
'cause he's got so much going on in his head.
And he's trying to get it out.
It's-it's just fun to watch. I like it.
I did think that it was not diverse enough,
and then it was so blatant.
-Yeah. -It was like, they were really in meetings going,
"I want everyone you see to be diverse." -Yeah. Yeah.
Because they even had a diversity chaperone.
-Like, Steve Martin had Chris Rock. -(laughter)
Like, don't send a white guy alone.
It was so... There was this weird part.
I don't know if you guys saw it, but the lady...
There was, like, a couple that won
for, like, Best Short Film or something like that,
and the lady brought her purse
-on stage. -FEIMSTER: Her purse. Yeah.
And I was like, "This is like a room full of rich people.
Like, nobody wants your Werther's Originals, Lady."
You know, like, Jeff..
Jeff Bezos isn't gonna be like "Oh, look at this."
-He cleaned up that. -Yeah.
I couldn't tell if it was a purse or if it was Joe Pesci.
-It took me a second. -Oh, yeah. -(laughter)
It's true.
I felt bad they kept cutting to Greta Gerwig 55 times.
-They're like... -TIANA: Yeah.
They sort of maybe wanted her to not go.
And then everyone got to go,
"Look, You remember you forgot her?" And she was like...
-TIANA: Yeah. -FEIMSTER: But she was...
She was always on the edge of her seat like,
"What's gonna happen?"
SPADE: She was... she was maybe
looking for a write-in vote or something.
It's like, "You never know, you never know."
They made it a big deal that she didn't get nominated,
but women got a lot of representation.
I mean, look at all the speaking parts
-they got in The Irishman, you know? -(laughter)
Speaking parts.
So exciting. You got a speaking part.
They got a lot in Little Women.
There's 12 of 'em.
Um, Eminem was sort of a surprise. A big surprise.
-FEIMSTER: Oh, yeah. -TIANA: I loved him.
-SPADE: I think it's cool. I love him. -(applause)
-I was just so excited. -Yeah?
-I mean. -I was excited in 2002.
-TIANA: What? -(laughter)
No I-I love Eminem. I thought he did amazing.
But that's when you need a host to be like,
"Well, that was a fun flashback, right?"
-You know? -Yeah. No one said anything.
No one. They're just like,
"That... that was what was supposed to happen."
-You're like, "Okay." -TIANA: I was shocked.
I thought the only way we would see him at the Oscars
-was in the In Memoriam section, you know? -(laughter, groans)
I was like, "Oh. He's here and he's alive!
This is the best day of my life."
Even if they said it was a throwback Thursday or something,
-you felt it a little bit. -Totally.
But you know what? I have to say...
because they do... they do sort of lean on the comics.
-TIANA/FEIMSTER: Yeah. -When they don't have a host,
it turns into it, because they give the comics,
Kristen Wiig and Maya, they give them a little extra time,
and they always seem to score, and people seem to like it,
so they have little tent poles,
Will Ferrell and Julia Lou... you know.
So I think that's good for comedy.
It shows that it's perfect for those.
Even if they don't have a host,
that's a good thing to have out there.
They're the best part of the show.
-Yeah, they're still getting some props... -(applause) -Yeah.
-Yeah. -Yeah, let's give ourselves one of these.
-Yeah. -We... we weren't there, but we'll take credit.
SPADE: Not us, exactly. But them.
-(cheering) -I was really upset
that Joaquin didn't thank himself in his speech.
-Yeah. -I just was shocked
he didn't refer to himself in the first person the whole time.
-(laughter) -MORRIL: I was a little upset
he didn't mention me in the speech.
He had to follow me in the Joker movie.
Oh, right, you're in the Joker.
-Oh, right! -A lot of people say...
-(cheering, applause) -Well, hold on.
More pats.
Hold on a second.
Um, a lot of people say that that's what made him the Joker,
having to follow me at an open mike and bomb.
-(laughter) -So... I'm just saying what people are saying.
It did make me feel like
Todd Phillips should have won Best Director.
Once I saw him give his speech, I was like, "Holy shit."
-(laughter) -That's a good point.
Just knowing for weeks that Todd Phillips is like,
"Can he please just enter through the door
-and not the window?" -(laughter)
That is crazy-- it reminds you that actors
-can only be other people. -(laughter) -Yeah. Yeah.
One day, it was like, "Just be yourself for 45 seconds."
You're like, "Oh, this is gonna be bad," right?
I thought with Parasite-- it got Best Foreign Language--
and then when it won Best Picture, everyone was like,
I'm all for foreign movies, but let's take it down a notch,
like, let's-let's get back to our movies next year,
then we're gonna make sure that doesn't happen again.
They were a little weirded out there.
All right, don't let them get too uppity.
-(laughter) -But they had, the translator
-was sort of a hit, the girl that, uh... -Yeah, she was.
-She did great. -She spoke more than any...
She was the host.
-Yeah, she was the host. -(laughter)