Hey this is Clayton.
And in this video, I'm going to talk about one little belief that I've noticed a number
of women hold onto about men that is really detrimental to your dating and in relationship
life.
It can actually block intimacy can block connection and can make dating just frustrating experience.
And the belief that I'm going to talk about is one that came up in the form of a complaint
by a client that I was working with.
She said to me, “Clayton the problem with dating nowadays is guys just want one thing.
They want non-committal no-strings-attached sex.”
And I heard that and I empathized with her immediately.
And I totally got it right?
I mean, with Tinder and Ashley Madison and all these other ways that men can now discreetly
go find a partner and hook up without even having to leave their house.
It can be really easy to lose faith in the male species right?
But see, holding on to that belief and not challenging.
It actually creates just tension in your dating life and it puts you at odds with men because
rather than feeling aligned with them feeling.
Like you both want the same thing, it feels then the subtle energy is one where you are
having to barter sex, your body for an emotional connection with a guy or a commitment from
the guy.
And then there is a power struggle rather than a dance because the two of you don't
want the same thing.
That's the belief.
Now let's question that.
Let's shift that because if you believe that men don't actually want a long-term relationship.
It's going to create insecurity in the relationship where you're not going to feel safe.
You're going to feel that he might leave at any moment you'll feel that somehow you trapped
him and that he doesn't actually want to be there.
And then the connection in the intimacy between the two of you is thwarted on some level.
So I recently ran a survey with about 10,000 guys.
I got several hundred responses back and one of the questions that I ask them was, “What
do you want most out of your love life?
A. To date multiple women.
B. To date a higher caliber woman.
C. To find a long-term committed relationship.
Or, D. To find in fall in love with the woman of my dreams and marry her.”
Now based on that belief how do you think men answered?
Probably A or B, right?
It was actually the exact opposite; men weren't interested in dating multiple women.
About eighty-six percent of them responded that they want to either being a long-term
committed relationship or find the woman of their dreams.
And by the way, this survey was sent to single men.
Men that are in the dating pool right now.
And it's also been other surveys done around this by askmen.com that have yielded similar
results.
Now with this data, you can begin to let go of this belief that men just want sex.
Now I'm not denying that men don't want sex.
The belief though that men just want sex is the one that is disempowering.
The new one is men want sex, there's no denying that, and they want an intimate emotional
connection.
But why is it so hard to see that with guys?
Why is it so hard to actually experience connection out there in the real world?
Well it's because of a couple reasons.
The first one is that men have a small and very limited scope of how they feel they are
allowed to emotionally connect with women.
And many times sex is a bid or a vehicle for them to achieve connection; the connection
that they're looking for.
See back in my early twenties, I was working with men in social dynamic settings, helping
them become better with women, helping them date and get into relationships.
And an overwhelming amount of men I talk to and work with, secretly did want to find that
one woman.
They weren't interested in just dating multiple women.
There are a few guys out there that wanted that but most of them did want a deep emotional
connection and many of them had no idea how to create that emotional connection except
through initiating in wanting sex and wanting to merge with the woman.
Being able to see what's actually happening behind the curtain of the man's mind and understanding
that guys do want emotional connection.
They want a long-term committed partner.
There is a new way that is available for you than to interact with men when they are sexually
advancing rather than taking it personally, rather than thinking that the guy just wants
you for sex.
And he's wanting to use you rather than thinking that it's somehow a reflection of your value
because he's initiating sexually and you’re thwarting him.
And that there is wrestling match that then occurs.
Perhaps you can take this new belief: that behind that motivation, behind that initiation
of sex, he is looking for a deep emotional connection with somebody.
There is a level of openness that then you can bring to the interaction in a dance that
you can bring to the interaction rather than a wrestling match.
Now that doesn't mean that you have to sleep with a guy.
That doesn't mean that you have to compromise your values or sleep with them to give them
the emotional connection and he's looking for.
You can still maintain your values and you can still maintain your standards but the
way that you show up to his sexual advances can be one of rather than just out like out
rightly rejecting him or suddenly shaming him.
It can be a deflection of one where you can appreciate it in dance with the energy and
deflected in a graceful way knowing that underneath it it's actually just a bid for him to get
closer to you.
And there is a way that you can then get him to chase you which is what he wants.
There's a way that you can give him the green lights.
And then there's a way that you can create the space for him to fully feel accepted by
you with his male desires without trying to change him or for his masculinity in a very
direct way which ultimately ends up shutting him down and stopping him from wanting to
pursue you.
So many women that are holding on to that belief of men just want sex, they do take
the sexual advance personally and they feel they got to draw these really solid hardline
boundaries.
And what that ends up doing is the man feels shutdown in some ways and just stopped pursuing
all together.
Now I know that there's some guys out there that when they do pursue they pursue very
hard and maybe they are very bold and inappropriate with their sexual advances.
And I'm not saying don't draw solid boundaries with them and sometimes that is completely
necessary.
But be conscious of how and when you are doing it and make sure that you're not just providing
or creating a blanket belief around all men where the sexual advance is one that you're
finding disrespectful and you're shutting down good guys that are actually looking for
something deeper.
My name's Clayton Olson and if you like this video, subscribe to my channel, like it, leave
a comment below, if you've got a different perspective or if you resonated with it and
feel free to join my mailing list, as well by clicking on a link below and type in your
email address on my website where you will get eight secrets to create a rock-solid relationship.
Thanks.