- In this video,
I'm gonna show you how you can fix
and get out of a one-sided relationship.
And this is not only something I've done,
but we enroll a thousand plus clients every single year
and they all have seen just how possible this is.
And so this has been a principle
that's been proven thousands of times over,
and you can see this
anytime you see any of my client stories, as well.
So if you're struggling with this right now,
and your partner's not even willing to try
to save the relationship,
leaving you with all the work
in trying to save this relationship,
then I want you to stick around
to the very end of this video,
because I'm gonna try to make this a one-stop shop
for this topic entirely.
And if this sounds totally crazy to you
and you don't believe this at all,
then all the more reason you should stay to the end.
So guys, if you're new to this channel,
my name is Geoffrey
and I help men in long-term relationships and marriages
with the right skills and knowledge,
to be able to design a thriving relationship by yourself.
So if you want more content on this topic,
then be sure to subscribe to this channel
and also click that bell button, as well,
to be notified when I post new videos every single week.
And as always, if you want to join the masterclass,
remember to submit your application
for the full program itself.
Stick around to the very end this video
for an announcement on how you can join both those things.
So the first question we have to ask here is
can you actually change other people?
So your partner now is in a position
where she may be stonewalling,
she might be gas lighting you,
she's not very committed
and getting triggered a lot,
playing out a lot of very toxic behaviors,
maybe they even wanna see other people.
And so you're wondering,
will there ever be a point
when my partner can be committed again,
can remove all these toxic behaviors?
So the main question behind all this is,
can I change my partner?
Well, I do agree that you cannot change other people
by trying to change them directly.
So this is when you're simply telling
and demanding that other people change,
which is what a lot of people do.
And if they don't change directly and quickly,
within a short span of time,
they get quite upset.
But while you cannot change people directly,
there is something else there you can control.
So if we look at this chart again,
we can add another note here,
and that's the environment, the culture.
Because what you can do here,
you can control yourself
and you can control changing the environment,
the culture, as well.
And the funny thing is that when you change the culture,
you'll be amazed often
and I'm very surprised at how much behavior can change
when you change the environment,
when you change the culture.
And so for us to accept this premise,
we need to understand another principle here,
which is the role of environments on our behavior.
And if you look at history,
if you look at lots of scientific studies here and there,
you'll see that time and time again,
history and a lot of studies,
psychological studies has shown that environments
and culture can have massive, massive impacts on behavior.
You know, you felt this yourself
when you, as a person,
what you do, your behavior,
even your mood, your personality even changes
as you go from one environment to the other.
You know, there are two events
that I remember very well
of how my behavior changed, as well
when I was working one time in a very toxic company
in a very toxic culture.
I remember my whole personality, my whole vibe,
my whole presence changed completely.
And I was doing things that I would never have done
or never grew up doing
because of that change in environment, as well.
And I'm sure,
I'm sure, guys, if you look at your own life,
look at the moments
when environment has changed your behaviors,
you can find many, many examples of that.
You can even find examples of this in your own relationship,
how as the environment degraded over time,
your relationships are degraded over time.
It becomes harder for you to do the right things,
to want to do the right things,
to want to do nice things
and vice versa for your partner, as well.
And you see this in studies, too,
studies like the Stanford Prison Experiment,
where they take very normal people
and they put them in a situation
that makes them quite evil, on paper at least.
And another way we can look at this too,
is by deconstructing.
What is the root reason behind those toxic behaviors?
So if you look at things like stonewalling,
gas lighting, et cetera,
or your partner not being committed,
your partner wanting to see other people,
sure you can assign this to,
this is a character problem.
This is a problem with their personality,
their character that is fixed.
Or you can say that this is a problem with the culture
or the environment of the relationship, as well.
So it's a very simple example of this is stonewalling.
You know, if you look at your own life,
if you're really honest with yourself,
I guarantee you that you have stonewalled people
many times before.
And if you look at the reasons why you stonewall,
it could be one reason is that
there is something wrong with your character,
but usually that's not where you go.
There's usually some other reasons behind it,
like the fact that maybe the person you're talking to
is very, very difficult to talk to,
maybe they judge you a lot,
maybe they have a pattern,
a habit of not listening to you
and completely twisting
and bending everything you say in the wrong ways.
Maybe the problem is so complex
that you don't even know where to start.
Maybe you feel so exhausted and so tired
that you don't even wanna get into it right now.
And so you accidentally stonewall people,
not because of a character problem,
but because of an environmental issue,
a cultural issue there.
Then you can transpose the same principle to gas lighting,
to your partner wanting to see other people, et cetera.
For every behavior,
there's always two kinds of interpretations you can make,
either it's a character problem
or an environmental problem.
Now, when we understand the role of environments
on behavior,
then we also understand
why creating safety in a relationship is,
has to be the backbone,
has to be the foundation
of every instance of people
trying to reconcile in their relationship.
It has to be the foundation.
Because again, if you look at any bad behaviors,
any toxic behaviors,
most often, the reasons behind those behaviors,
it's not a character problem.
It's usually because of an instance of self-preservation.
Why do you stonewall?
Why do you gaslight?
Why do you lie sometimes?
Why do you want to get outta the relationship
and explore other ones?
Why are you not committed?
You do all those things because you perceive a threat.
Usually because something bad has happened
when you didn't do all those things.
So all these things are basically,
simply learned defense mechanism,
ways for your body and mind to protect itself,
is a self-preservation mechanism.
Now, am I saying
that this self preservation mechanism is healthy, it's good?
No.
We do a lot of things as humans that are not good for us,
but we do it to protect ourself.
That's why it's called a defense mechanism
and why defense mechanism is usually not a good thing.
But if you create safety,
then what you're doing is
you're removing the need to self-preserve.
And when you remove the need to self-preserve,
you remove the tendency to do all these things.
Why, for example, stonewall
when you can totally feel safe expressing yourself?
Why gaslight when you're totally safe
to admit your own flaws?
Why lie when you're safe to tell the truth?
If you deeply program safety,
then you'll find that all these toxic behaviors
tend to go away, as well.
And this is a classic instance when,
what you do, you can change your environment
to create safety,
and once you do that, you change the environment,
you change behavior in a massive way.
And if you look at any and all of my client stories,
you'll find that all of them started out
in a very dire situation,
trying to save the relationship by themselves
and they all face very different
and very unique problems in the beginning,
but it doesn't really matter what problems they face.
The first step to their reconciliation process
is always the same,
is to create safety
because once you create that,
you change the environment that way.
It's a massive, massive change
to everything else in their relationship.
So I hope you see why we always say
there's no situation that's unique
and that it doesn't always take two to tango
because you are in control of the environment.
Now, if you reject this premise
and you say to me, for example,
"No way, Jeff, you don't understand,
my partner is different.
Changing the environment might change for all these people
but if I change the environment, nothing will happen."
If you are saying that,
think about what you are actually saying there.
You're saying that there's something so fundamentally wrong
with your partner's character,
that no matter how much you change the environment,
you cannot change their character.
Now think about what you're insinuating there.
And if that's what you're insinuating,
that there's something so wrong with your partner,
then it should be no mystery to you
why your partner doesn't wanna be part of the relationship.
Think about being in a relationship
where you are villanized like that, right?
It should be no mystery to you.
So that's the ironic part,
is that you thinking that your partner's problems
is because of her character is the precise reason
why your partner is acting in a toxic way
in the first place.
Which confirms your thought again.
And this perpetuates a very vicious cycle
in your relationship.
Think about that very deeply, guys.
And this is also the reason why,
if you look at great leaders in any part of life,
in any discourse of life,
they always are very slow to judge people,
judge character, and try to change people directly.
But they're very quick to look at the environment
and try to change their environment.
Two simple examples is ATM machines.
You know, if you look at ATM machines, what do they do?
They would dispense your card first
before dispensing the cash.
Now imagine if they dispense the cash first,
then they ask you to take your card.
A lot of people would leave their card in the ATM machine.
But for someone to think about this idea, this solution,
they cannot just keep blaming character and say,
"Oh, I wish that person would just never forget their card.
Stop being so forgetful."
No, they look at the environment and they go,
how can we change the system, the culture,
the environment of this ATM machine
to make it so hard for people to forget?
Same thing for UPS trucks.
If you notice in the US,
UPS trucks rarely turn left,
they always turn right.
And they do this
because they wanna make the UPS drivers go faster.
For someone, again,
to think about the solution,
they have to get out of thinking about blaming character
or they should just drive faster then.
They look at the system and they said,
"How can we change the system
to make it easier for them to drive faster?"
And the same thing for my relationship too,
whenever we talk about anything in a relationship,
we never blame each other.
We always get to the point where we can say,
okay, how can we change the culture of our relationship
to make it easy for both of us to do the right things?
And that's also a key to creating safety
and a key to creating success in that relationship, as well.
And so again,
the point here guys is that if you reject this premise,
think about what you're insinuating
and think about the fact that people who are successful,
never think and never reject this premise,
they don't reject this premise.
But even after understanding this,
a lot of people still remain stuck
and they still don't believe this premise
that this is possible,
that it doesn't take two to tango.
But again, remember, guys,
you cannot solve your problem
with the same knowledge you use to create the problem
in the first place.
And when you are doubtful of this premise,
you have to ask yourself what principles,
what thinking,
what mindset am I using to doubt these premises?
Is it the same mindset
that you used to create the problems in the first place?
Usually, yes,
because what usually happens
when you are not able to fix this relationship on your own
is that you are not able to break feedback loops.
And what I mean by that is that, you know,
when you're in a position in a relationship
where both of you are in a very bad spot,
your partner does something toxic
and you, being tired,
do something toxic in return as well.
And then this causes your partner again,
to do something toxic
and this cycle just keeps going.
It's a tug of war
and nobody's reversing this feedback loop,
everyone's perpetuating and adding fuel to the fire.
Now, in order for you to break that feedback loop,
what you need to do is to notice
and observe your partner's negative behavior
and say, "You know what?
I'm not gonna blame character.
I'm not gonna add fuel to the fire.
Let me just understand
that this is an environmental problem
and let me fix the environment."
When you fix that, you start to raise her up, as well.
But a lot of people cannot do this
because one, they lack the external shifts
to be able to conduct conversations in a proper way
that actually creates safety over time.
A lot of people destroy safety
and they don't even know it.
And a classic example of this is when,
you know, a lot of men,
they think that creating safety
is about knowing all the answers,
about being this perfect James Bond-esque type character.
But actually, when you become that person,
that is the kind of person that destroys safety the most,
because there's nothing that destroys safety more
than being with someone who thinks they should
and are perfect,
that whenever you point out their flaws,
whenever you point out problems, they get annoyed,
they get frustrated,
they get defensive and they pin it back on you.
So that's one example of how a lot of men,
they have misunderstood this whole notion
of what it means to create safety.
And they think they're creating safety,
but actually destroying safety unknowingly.
So that's the first problem there.
And if you don't know how to create safety,
you cannot reverse this feedback loop.
You're always gonna be stuck in believing
that it's not possible to save your relationship
by yourself.
Now, the second struggle that people have
is that they lack the internal shifts.
Again, so we talk a lot in our videos,
in our masterclass about untethering,
about the bulletproof vest,
about you not playing victim
and not playing this blame game,
the politics game, et cetera.
We talk about getting rid of the ideas of toxic masculinity,
of growing your self-esteem in the correct way,
growing your sense of power in the correct way.
I mean, we talk about so many layers of internal shifts,
and if you don't have the right internal shifts here,
you're gonna struggle
because let's say, your partner does something toxic
and you are not able to understand
how to interpret her behaviors in a positive way,
in a way that understands her.
So for example, in a lot of our interviews,
we talk about the idea of leaning into resistance
and how resistance is a massive opportunity
because when you get resistance,
that's something that your partner's thinking about
the whole time.
And the fact that she's telling you
and giving you that resistance now
is a very positive thing
because now you know about it and you can control it.
Now, what a lot of people do is
they see that resistance as a negative thing.
But what that does is that, you know,
when you destroy safety like that,
when you respond badly,
it doesn't actually make your partner not resist you.
She's still gonna resist you in her mind,
but now she's not gonna tell you about it.
And so that's another example of how you destroy safety
in a very subconscious way.
And now it puts you in a more powerless position
because now your partner's still going to want to resist,
is still angry with you,
still maybe wanting to see other people,
but she will never tell you about it
because of how you react.
But if you can interpret that resistance in a proper way,
then that changes everything.
You can now create safety.
You can now turn negative into positive,
and that's what we always try to do.
And that puts you in a more powerful position
because now, whenever something happens,
you will know about it.
And it prevents you from being in this position
where you're blindsided in your relationship all the time.
And the same thing if you think about it,
goes for raising your children, right?
You punishing your children for doing something bad,
for thinking something bad,
it's not gonna prevent them from doing those bad things.
If you punish them,
all it does is that they'll still keep doing those things,
but now they won't tell you about it.
But if you are able to create safety,
you'll be the first person they go to
when they have any problems,
which empowers you to actually do something about it,
to actually coach them about it,
to actually respond to it in a positive way.
But a lot of people cannot do this
because they don't have the right internal shifts
and they're still guided by the wrong paradigms
in relationships.
So again, they cannot reverse that feedback loop.
Your partner resist, you'll resist too.
And the third reason why here is that
a lot of people often lack the evidence
and they're surrounded by other people
with all the wrong paradigms,
with all the wrong relationships,
with bad relationships, et cetera.
And so if you've never seen that this is possible,
then you're not gonna think it's possible.
The same way, you know,
if you transport yourself back 70 years ago,
it was considered impossible for humans
to run the 100 meter dash in under 10 seconds.
But now, high schoolers,
it's an expectation that high schoolers run that
if you wanna be competitive.
Has our bodies really changed in 70 years?
No.
What changed was our expectations.
We have been exposed to what's possible.
And now we strive higher.
Same thing for my clients too.
When they join the program,
they see that, wow,
there's a thousand plus people who are living proof
that it's possible to fix your relationship by yourself,
to break this feedback loop.
And so, if you want to see more stories of this, guys
and inspire yourself
and really get yourself
your expectations to a different level
of what's actually possible,
then click the link above
to view a lot of my client stories.
And in all of them,
you'll see that they say the same things,
"It's always possible.
I never thought it was possible
until I joined the program et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."
So it's the same narrative.
And guys, if you want to learn more about these terms,
like untethering, like bulletproof vest,
like creating safety and what that actually means,
I would also encourage you to check out the masterclass.
Or I put a lot of videos down below,
in the discussion box below
of a lot of videos about untethering,
about bulletproof vest, et cetera,
so feel free to check out those videos down below.
Now, the last thing I wanna address
before I end this video is
that these are skills
that you need to either change now or later,
you cannot escape this work.
So a lot of people try to escape this
and they try to pin the blame on their partner and say,
"They're the toxic one."
Like, I had this application that came in and he said,
"Oh, usually, you know, Jeff,
you work with people who want to fix the relationship,
but in this case, it's different
because I'm deciding if I wanna stay in the relationship."
And the implication here
is that his partner's doing a lot of toxic things
because of the degradation of the environment over time.
But he doesn't realize
that he had a massive, massive part
in changing that environment in a negative way.
And that her toxic behavior right now
is not because she's toxic,
the character is toxic because the environment is so toxic.
So he wants to get outta this relationship
because he wants to escape it.
But he doesn't realize is that
you cannot escape the fact that he needs to learn
how to create a proper environment in the first place.
So we've established here that
right now, you are stuck.
You're not able to fix your relationship by yourself
because you're not able to have the right internal shifts
or the right external shifts
to be able to change your environment in a meaningful way
that will eventually change behaviors.
But what you also need to realize is that
the reason why your relationship got sour in the first place
was because you were not able to change the environment
in the first place.
So your inability to change the environment right now
is what prevents you from getting out of this situation.
But it's actually what caused you to get into this situation
in the first place.
So think about this,
if you're still tethered and you're not untethered,
and whenever your partner does something bad,
you follow along with that.
Well, whenever problems come in a relationship,
whether it's after you reconcile
or you choose a new relationship,
entropy and problems are still gonna come,
but when the problems come,
are you gonna be tethered to them
or are you gonna rise above them?
Are you gonna succeed despite or fail because?
Same thing for your bulletproof mindset.
Do you crumble when things are hard
or do you thrive when things are hard?
Same thing for victim mindset
and blaming and playing politics.
Like how can you create safety with a victim mindset
in a relationship?
And if you have a toxic views of masculinity,
if you have toxic views of power,
if you have the wrong paradigms
about everything that happens in relationships,
you have to realize that all those things
are what caused the relationship to degrade
in the first place.
They're what prevents you from getting out of this plight.
And if you try to escape this work
by finding a new relationship, for example,
and leaving your partner,
because you wanna escape this work of learning
how to change the environment,
realize that the same pattern will come back again
and again, and again and again,
because fundamentally,
you're not able to create the right culture,
the right environment in the relationship
to make some meaningful, positive changes.
That's the bottom line.
So whether it's now or later,
you have to learn the skills
and you can give yourself whatever excuses
that you wanna give yourself.
But again,
you can ignore reality,
but you cannot ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
And the reality right now is that
if you are not able to fix this relationship by yourself,
you are lacking some major skills
in changing that environment of your relationship,
the culture in a massive way,
in a significant enough way.
That's the reality.
So guys, again,
if you want to learn more about any of these terms,
any of these principles that we learnt here,
I have a masterclass that you can join.
And at the end of the masterclass,
if you want to apply for the program,
you can do so, as well.
And again, if you want to learn more about untethering,
about bulletproof vest,
about all these different principles,
you can check out the links below
and right here beside me, as well.
In the meantime, guys,
I hope this was helpful for you guys.
And I hope to see you in the next video.
Cheers.