-Have you been wondering, how can I make it as a single parent? I'm desperate for some help.
Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a child and family psychologist. -And I'm Vicki Jenkins a speech
language pathologist. You know, over the last three decades we have helped thousands of single parents
like you and we want to help you know how to bring more peace and be more comfortable with this role
that you have a single parent and we've got four simple rules to help you get there. -And a special
gift for you at the end. First of all, wow, this is a huge job for a team. If you're doing it yourself
our hats just go off to you for that. Thank you for the kind loving service that you're providing
as you raise your kids. This is not an easy thing. We just wanted to acknowledge that upfront. -So,
that being said, rule number one is take care of yourself and I think this is particularly
challenging at times for a single parent. -Yeah, well, it's challenging for. -It's hard for all
parents, right? -That's why we wanted to make that an acknowledgement upfront. Because when you're doing
this on your own it can be enormously difficult to identify, "Well, how am I going to take care
of myself?". -Right. -Because I've got to take care of everybody else and I keep remembering this mom who
came to see me years ago and I gave her a little assignment. I gave her a pad and a pen and I said,
"Write down everything and everyone that you're responsible for", and she starts writing now. I mean,
she's going fast and furious and she turns the page and she's going on to page two. I think
she got onto page three, she starts slowing down. "Okay, well that's all I can think of", guess who was
missing? -Her very self. -Yeah, and who's gonna take care of it? Who's gonna take care of you? Are we
going to expect your kids to do that? So, here's a little mental trick, okay. How am I going to do that?
Needs to be a question, not a statement disguised as a question. Because sometimes we'll throw our
hands in here, "Well, how am I gonna do that?", it's not even a question. -It's a statement that's impossible.
-Yeah, turn it back into a question and invite your brain to start thinking about that. Some
of the other rules are gonna help with that. Just remember how important it is and whatever it takes.
So, if you need to engage the neighbor teenage girl to come over and sit with your baby for
an hour while you go do a workout or just have a little bit of mommy time or if you need to have
some help that way. Whatever it takes, you've got to take care of yourself. Rule number two, take care of
the team. -Now, just because you're a single mom does not mean you don't have a team. As a matter of fact,
more than ever you need to build a team around you. -And use them. -Right. -Put them to work. Hey, we're on
your team. We're on your team and hopefully, you feel that from us. We're working for you.
There are other people that you can engage on your team. Whether it's extended family or
people in your community or at the church or in your neighborhood or nannies or babysitters or
right coaches are consultants. You have a team put them to work for you. -I read a novel recently
and granted it wasn't it was fiction. But I was really impressed in this novel how creative this
mother was about the team that she put together. It was a really really different team and it was
people that you would never expect to come together. By coming together for this one goal of
helping the little girl. These other people began to enjoy really rich relationships and I know that
was just a novel but be creative. it doesn't have to be conventional the team that you put together.
It does need to be a team that you can consult with, that you can rely on, and that will help you
in your job which is loving your child. I had a t-shirt for a while that said, "It takes a village
to raise a child", you've probably heard that phrase before. Vicki you just said
something that I think is worth mentioning. Because as you expand and use your team
in creative ways, it gives them opportunities to serve and that's important to their mental health.
So, maybe you're doing them a favor by having them on your team. We got two more rules for you and
that free gift that we promised. But before we do that, if this is helping and only if it's helping
hit the subscribe button. What are you waiting for? We're on your team. Bring us on to your team
by subscribing and then hit the notification bell too. Because that way we can show up for
you more consistently. -Rule number three seems kind of like a no-brainer, it is love your child or your
children. -It should go without saying, right? But really, we're listing this very explicitly because
that is your number one job. -Yeah... especially, I would think as single parents sometimes we get in
the trap that now I have to be everyone for this child and I have to do everything for this child
and all that. There's some truth to that in some ways. But really your job has not
changed whether you're single or married. Your job is to love your child no matter what and even if
and you can and need to do this as a single parent. -It can be a little overwhelming when we get into
the extensive lists of everything that we're responsible for now. Like that mom, I was telling
you flipping pages in the notebook. When we boil it down to your primary job which is to love them
no matter what and even if and then pause there for a moment because how does that feel?
And how you doing with that job? See, you love them. You naturally do. Let's make that an expressed
intentional part of our parenting and realize that you're doing your job as long as you're
doing that you love them no matter what and even if. That's your primary job as a parent.
And that leads us right into rule number four use effective discipline. -And that's a keyword right
there effective. We're going to talk a little bit about that. But I think that sometimes I've seen it
happen before where everything is so overwhelming and there's so many things that you have to do and
a lot of times say no to that we worry. That they want our children won't feel loved or something if
we discipline as well. But the research I mean you have researched this so much as a psychologist.
-Yes, the research is really consistent that kids need two things to be healthy and well adjusted and
this goes back as far as we've been doing research in the field of psychology. They need to have
love and they need to have discipline right and different studies use different words for each
of those. It might show up as structure or appropriate connection or whatever. But it
boils down to that love and discipline. Now, when we talked about effective discipline
earlier okay and you mentioned this Vicki that that's a keyword there.
Because sometimes discipline gets to be really ineffective when we're trying to apply discipline
that's appropriate for a more mature child to one that's less mature. So, here's the key and we'll
just give you a shortcut. In fact, this is the gift that we promised you. When our kids are less mature
and I don't care what age they are. -Right. -So, what if... you got a 13 year old okay and I say,
"Your 13-year-old is less mature", you're going to be like, "Oh yeah, because he's not being responsible",
right, that's what we're talking about. A less mature child either by age or stage has to have
consequences that don't require cooperation. -Because they're not going to cooperate with you.
-That's part of how we define the maturity. If they're not capable or willing to cooperate
then we have to pick consequences that don't require cooperation. Every time I bring this up
parents are, "Like, what Dr. Paul? What are you talking about?". We've got you covered. We put together a
little brainstorming list it's called consequences that don't require cooperation. Go to the URL on
your screen right now drpauljenkins.com/consequences. When I say go right now. I mean,
you can jot this down and go right after you finish the video if you want. But this will
come to your inbox. We've given you a little brainstorming sheet to help you come up with
effective discipline through identifying consequences that don't require cooperation.
You're welcome. So, now that the video's over go get that list of consequences.
drpauljenkins.com/consequences and then queue up the next video, because we got your back.