So I was supposed to be here two weeks ago.
Yes, you were.
And people don't know this, but you were in the hospital.
A very serious thing happened.
Yeah.
So I was supposed to be here a couple weeks ago.
And I went to bed at night.
And all of a sudden, I felt this excruciating pain
in my stomach.
So I went to the ER.
I'm still out of breath.
It's because I haven't worked out
because I went to the hospital.
It was a lot of energy you just--
It was a lot of energy.
Yes, of course.
If we could just compact that and put it in the sun.
So I went to the hospital.
And I went to the ER, and thank God I did.
I had a very rare thing where my small intestine burst open.
And it was poisoning my body.
How does that-- I've never heard of that happening.
I'm in the middle of a story.
So it burst open, and they went in there.
And they clipped off the bad part
and put it back together with a chip clip.
So now my potato chips are stale.
And so you know they put you on so many drugs you're high out
of your mind.
And so because I'm so high--
anyway, I was talking to your producer from the hospital.
She was so nice, and we were going through all the stuff.
And she said, are you sure you can do the show on Monday?
And I was like, yeah, can you do the show on Monday?
And she's like, yeah, I work here.
And I'm like, fine, biatch.
Right.
No, she's really sweet.
I love her.
And then, Scotty my husband's in the room with me.
And I hung up the phone.
And he's like, what's wrong with you?
You can't do the Ellen Show on Monday.
Are you high?
And I'm like, yeah, I'm really high.
Are you high?
And then he's like--
so I can't lift you above my head like I normally do.
So this was just a few weeks ago?
Yeah.
Two weeks, three weeks ago maybe.
And isn't it amazing?
They go right in your stomach in here,
and they go [WHOOSHING SOUND].
Wait.
They go through your belly button?
Yeah.
They go through your belly button, laparoscopic.
Do you want to see it?
Yeah.
No.
I'm too fat.
It's gross.
So I was interrupting--
[AUDIENCE AWWING]
Yeah.
So that's me.
One second, you're interrupting still.
So that's me in that stupid hospital gown they put you in.
So to get your energy-- look at that.
So sad.
So in order to get your energy back,
they make you walk around the floor, like do laps.
And so I'm making nice nice with the nurses,
and they're laughing.
And I'm like, they must be gigantic fans.
Well, my bottom was sticking out the whole time.
Everybody was like-- and so now I call that my bum rap.
I get it.
Your bum wrap.
It's better than orange banana pineapple.
So I'm glad--
I thought it was pretty clever.
That was pretty funny.
The banana [INAUDIBLE].
Yeah.
So I'm happy that--
Did you see that?
Do you have playback?
No.
You're like, no, Sean.
It was there.
It's short-term memory.
I have no idea what I just did.
Yeah.
First of all, I'm really happy that--
so is that the kind of thing-- like if your appendix burst,
you could die.
Like you could have died if you hadn't gone there in time?
Yeah, exactly.
Do you work at Cedars, at Cedar Center?
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
So what they do--
I brought a little thing because I know you love games,
and I love games.
Yes.
So what they give you in the hospital
are these breathing things.
Wait.
Don't touch it yet.
And so-- I'm kidding.
So what you do is you suck in, and you breathe.
It's for your lungs, so you don't get pneumonia
because it could build up fluid in your lungs.
So it's to keep your lungs strong.
So [INHALES].
So you do that, and you have to make
all the balls go to the top.
So I thought you love games, and I love games.
Let's play the game.
And whoever can suck their balls the hardest wins.
OK, ready?
You suck, not blow?
You-- you suck.
You suck in.
It seems like you--
Of course I'd have to teach her.
Yes, Ellen.
My god.
I have to teach her everything.
OK, ready?
It looks like--
Ready?
3-2-1.
Ah.
There you go.
Wow.
Look.
It doesn't matter who won.
It's just-- the important thing is we both suck.
So that was fun.
I love you so much.
I know.
And just a little bit there.
Oh, god.
Look at all back here.
I have a bunch of stuff.
My name's Ellen, and I say funny things.
What else?
This is--
What am I Carrot Top today?