-Hey, you guys.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes. Guys, I finally did it.
I became a cougar.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yes, yes.
I put it on my vision board,
and I manifested a pretty little cub. Oh!
You guys, he was my mover, like, in an adult movie.
He just showed up at my front door, all young and sexy.
And by the end of the day, I was like,
"Well, damn, Erin, he did put the bed together."
I mean, it's the polite thing to do.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. He was fun. But it didn't last.
So I'm back on the dating apps, and I met this one guy.
He's originally from Ghana, West Africa.
He lives here in New York now.
And, you know, he asked me what I do for a living.
And I told him.
I asked him what he did.
And he told me he was a janitor, and I was like,
"Well, obviously, I'm not gonna fall for that."
[ Laughter ]
Right? I mean, come on.
You move to New York from Africa.
You mop floors for a living.
And you're looking for a girlfriend?
Like, dude, that's my favorite movie.
I know you're a prince. Like, I already know.
[ Laughter and applause ] Yeah.
So I'm hanging in there. You know?
I was hanging in there
'cause you don't want to leave before the reveal.
But he was definitely a janitor.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. So I'm single.
And whenever I get bummed out about that,
one of my favorite things to do is go couple-watching.
Yeah. I'll go to a park or I'll go to the mall.
And as the couples walk by,
I'll play a game that I call, "Well, somebody married her."
[ Laughter ] And it -- Yeah.
I can tell you play as well.
[ Applause ] Yeah.
It always makes me feel better.
I'm like, "Don't give up. She found a husband."
You know? [ Laughter ]
Most of my friends have kids.
I don't know if that's in the cards for me.
I think about children the same way I think about Netflix.
Like, I really, really enjoy them.
Just not enough to get my own subscription.
Is that fair? [ Laughter ]
I'll watch yours, though, if you let me.
One of my girlfriends is pregnant now.
She's pregnant with twins, fraternal.
Yeah, a boy and a girl.
And she's super excited.
And I'm excited, too,
just not as excited as I'd be if they were identical
'cause we all know that's the good kind.
I mean... [ Laughter ]
Obviously, having two healthy babies is a blessing.
It's just not that special.
I'm not the only person who's ever, like, peeked inside
a double-stroller and seen fraternal twins
and been like, "Oh, man, come on, they don't even match."
Right? I'm not the only one. [ Laughter ]
I just feel like fraternal twins are just two people
with the same birthday who don't look alike.
Like, alright, so are me and Peyton Manning.
Like, it's not -- [ Laughter ]
We're fraternal strangers, so...
[ Laughter ]
Our government's on fire.
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
Have you been watching?
I feel like our country is the hot girl from high school
who let herself go.
[ Laughter ] Right?
But then she shows up to the reunion
and all of the other countries are standing around like, "Yo!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Whispering ] "Did y'all see America?
What is she going through?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] "You know she locked Mexico out the house.
Mm-hmm.
She and Iran almost got in that fight.
And I heard she's dating Russia now.
What?" [ Laughter ]
And, you guys, I don't think we changed, like,
the nastiness in the country by changing the government.
I think we have to do it by being better
to each other individually, you know?
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you.
Yeah, going high when people go low.
This happened to me a couple weeks ago.
I'm walking into the elevator in my hotel.
And there was a woman already in the elevator.
And I won't say what she looked like.
But she looked like the opposite of what I look like.
Whatever you think that is.
[ Laughter ] And I got on the elevator.
And she looked at me and she went, "I guess I'll just wait."
And she got off the elevator. [ Audience ohs ]
Yeah, I know. But I didn't even say anything.
I just rode up to my floor
because you can't stop somebody from being a bigot.
Right?
But then, I rode back down to the lobby.
[ Laughter ]
Because you can make a bigot take the stairs.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, yeah.
And when the door is open, I was like, "Hey, lady, it's still me.
How you feeling? You still waiting?
'Cause I have nowhere to be till 10:00 p.m.
I can literally do this all day."
And that's how you fix America.
You guys, thank you so much. I'm Erin Jackson.