- Let me ask you a question,
how many of your friends and family are in a relationship?
Romantic or otherwise?
Odds are more than 50%.
Now, let me ask you this,
how many of them are happy in their relationships?
Imagine how many relationships are out there
that could be looking for you,
the coach, did I catch your attention?
Let's explore how to get better
in your relationship coaching skill.
Hi, this is Ajit Nawalkha and today you're breaking down
a real life relationship coaching session
by master coach for relationships, Bryan Reeves.
To identify the structure and techniques he uses
that you can also apply with your coaching clients.
Before we get into the juicy part of the video,
remember we release new videos like this every week.
So, hit that red subscribe button to get notified.
Great coaches never stopped learning.
Now, let's do this in this.
In this video, I'll be pulling apart techniques
and strategies Bryan uses in coaching Jennifer.
This complete session and related training as a part
of our program Coaching Mastery,
it's our perpetual training program,
where we invite master coaches to show you
how they get extraordinary results with their clients.
What you're about to see is one of the sessions
inside the program.
Now, let's get started.
Let me ask you, what do you think is the best way
to start a relationship coaching conversation?
First off, just like in any coaching session
you have to set the right expectation.
- To have about 45 minutes together might push an hour
I don't know, but the intention is 45 minutes,
which good news, is plenty of time to solve
all your relationship problems.
- Oh, good.
- 45 minutes is all we need.
That is so not true.
So, and actually what I would like to do is,
I want to take the pressure off of us.
- Okay.
- 45 minutes is not a long time, right?
- So, and normally when I work with couples,
first off, we worked together for months.
But even one session is usually minimum 90 minutes
to two hours.
- Okay.
- So, I just want to take the pressure off of both of us.
That's something extraordinary has to happen
in front of the cameras.
How's that feel for you?
- It sounds good.
- Sounds good.
- Yeah.
- It's hard enough to create lasting results for one client
in one session, let alone a couple.
It is more challenging to create impact
when it comes to relationship coaching,
as it often involves two people instead of one.
So, take the pressure off for both of you.
Set the right expectations to allow the session to flow
and create whatever is meant to be created.
Let's see what Bryan does next.
- Some point in our lives, we're confronted with
this sort of invitation to getting real with ourselves.
And in my experience, Jennifer, it's usually a woman
who is a catalyst for that.
- Okay.
So, what you're experiencing is so normal, so common.
How does that feel to hear that?
- Good.
- Yeah, it's like..
- It's not just me.
- Right, but let me ask you, like,
how do you feel in the face of his resistance
to feeling or to talking about it anyway?
- It's just, you know, he's so open and he's so loving
and expresses his feelings, but he just,
I feel like there's something deep down
that he's not sharing with me.
And it, I feel like it's blocking us from going past
or moving the relationship.
- Right, and what would that look like moving forward?
What does that mean?
When you say moving the relationship forward,
what would that look like for you?
- Once you have set expectations, put your client at ease.
Sharing about relationship issues is a very personal
and intimate topic and most people don't like doing it.
So, help your client get comfortable with opening up
by reassuring them that they are not alone,
and whatever's happening is totally normal, because it is.
It's also great way to build rapport with your client
from the very beginning.
Now, that you've created that comfort and rapport,
dive deep into understanding what your client
is looking for from you.
This next step has to be as fast as Bryan did it.
- It's not just me.
- Right, but let me ask you, like, how do you feel
in the face of his resistance to feeling
or to talking about it anyway?
- This way, you don't lose the momentum
of the connection you've just built up.
Questions like, how do you feel when it happens?
How does that make you feel?
Why is this important to you?
Can be great openers for what comes next.
Understand where your client is coming from.
What are they looking for?
What do they want to improve in their relationship?
Ask them about their challenges,
problems, needs, and desires.
And most importantly, you want to identify,
how you can serve them best.
The first thing you can do to serve them best
is to help them identify what is it
that is underlying issue they want to face.
Maybe they say, they want more commitment
from their partner, but what they really need to work on
is the communication.
Does it ring a bell?
But how do you know if your client's relationship problem
is really a problem?
Let's see how Bryan masterfully tackles this,
but then just the 10 minutes
of starting the coaching session.
- What would happen for you if he never moves past this?
- You know, I don't know.
It's been a year.
- It's on being, which he is right now,
but even five years from now, 10 years from now,
20 years from now, here's a man
who just thinks feelings are annoying,
or feelings, or I don't wannna, you know,
how would that feel for you?
- I wouldn't feel good,
I would feel like he was hiding something from me.
Yeah.
- Yeah, What would you want to see different?
- I would want him to feel comfortable to share.
- This is where it gets even more interesting.
It's time to challenge your client's perspective.
Notice the powerful question Bryan uses?
- What would happen if this doesn't change?
I know it sounds simple, but it might make a huge difference
in the results of the coaching session.
Why?
Because it will reveal the urgency and importance
your client has for solving this particular problem.
Bryan explains this as requests versus requirements.
- Requests are things that I want to experience,
but I'm not going to end the relationship if I don't.
The example I used in that video was,
your partner leaves their socks on the floor for example,
we have a problem, some people that might be a requirement,
like, do you leave your socks on the floor?
I'm out, I'm not cleaning up after you.
I don't want a child.
You know, that could be a requirement for somebody.
You know, for me, that's not, I grew up with messy sisters.
If my partner leaves her shit all over the place,
it's annoying, but I'm going to live with it,
And I'm going to find my way to be at peace with it
and to love her just the same, right?
That's a request, and again, a requirement is
if this isn't monogamy tends to be a common requirement,
no flirting with other, with people of the opposite sex,
for example, and that's flirting, what is that?
That's a whole other subject,
but essentially requirements are, if this isn't happening,
I'm not going to feel safe in this relationship,
and I'm not going to be able to do relationship with you.
I wonder, just having heard that, where would you say
this experience for you falls more on the side
of request or requirement.
- This is a fundamental concept you need to understand
and communicate to your clients for them to reflect on.
Is what they're looking for a must or a nice to have
for their relationship to work?
And what's the time span for that?
Is it a request today that will turn into a requirement
one year from now?
Is it the ultimatum requirement?
Defining the intention and lifespan of your client's goal
will be a major turning point
in how the session will unfold.
Do you love Bryan request versus requirement's concept
as much as I do?
Comment a yes if you do, and you want to practice it
in your next coaching conversation.
Bryan also shares another fantastic concept
in this coaching demonstration.
But let's watch the video first.
- Anything that you want to share, anything coming up.
- I'm just like, tell me what I need to do.
- Tell me what it is, right?
- How can I be to get that out of him?
- Right, again, invitation versus obligation,
that's kind of the focus.
So, your work, if you will, is to become more and more
the invitation for him
to show up for relationship with you,
which also by show up, what do we mean by that?
Bring all of him, not just the check, not just the body,
the corpse, right?
So, as you obligate him, we've already figured this out,
obligating him is just going to send him running.
Pick, pick, pick invitation,
he's either going to pick that up or he's not.
- That distinction between invitation
versus obligation, is golden.
Think about it like this, no one enjoys doing chores.
So, if a family member needs your help to get a chore done,
would you willingly and happily do it?
If they made you do it?
Of course not, but would you do it
with a little bit more enthusiasm
if they kindly asked you to pretty please
give them a hand in getting it done?
Most likely, yes.
Not judging if you say no, though.
Ping this clarification to your client,
inviting their partners to partake in an activity
or conversation, will help them show up with less barriers
than if you force them to do it.
Sounds simple, but it's easier said than done.
Which is why, it is so important to make practice time.
If you really want to make a lasting impact,
just talking with your client during a one hour session,
won't be enough.
Assigned time in your coaching session for your client
to practice turning that insights into actions.
- I'm Dobby day, we can even role play this,
so I'm Dobby day, I'm Italian, so picking, I'm so beautiful
look at my shoes.
- No, he's from the country
- Oh, totally he's not metropolitan.
- No.
- Okay, got it, thanks for the clarification,
sorry Dobby Day.
So yeah, so, I don't want to share my feelings,
I don't want to talk about it.
Tell me your experience inside of that,
without kind of telling me about my experience.
- I feel hurt, I feel like you don't trust me
when you don't tell me how you feel.
- Of course I trust you.
What do you mean?
- You're hiding something deep down inside.
- I'm not hiding anything.
- You don't want to share?
- Would you ever say that?
- Yeah.
- I'm not hiding anything, not hiding anything.
It's nothing to hide, there's nothing here.
Men are simple, I don't know, I'm imagining it.
- But you have feelings, you know, deep down inside you
that you say you don't want to share
and you don't want to talk about it 'cause it's annoying.
- Okay, so good, so good.
So, notice what's happening, you're chasing me.
Do you see that?
- Yeah, I do.
- You're chasing me,
you're trying to convince me of something.
- Role play, observe, feedback and then try again.
Bryan makes a great distinction here to,
owning while honoring.
Owning what is true for you
while honoring your partner's decisions.
It is another way to express invitation
instead of obligation.
Encourage your client to stay true to themselves
and their feelings, while still respecting
their partners thoughts and feelings.
This will support the space they create for conversation
without judgment, barriers or expectations.
Another thing Bryan does, is he gives examples.
The words we choose to communicate with,
can make or break the outcome of any conversation,
specially when it's meant to work
on the particular issue in a relationship.
So, help your clients by teaching them some language needles
to make the communication clearer and smoother.
- Heard that?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, and by the way, that can come from a woman too
I mean, you and your masculine you'll have your own.
Don't fucking tell me how to do this or that or whatever.
Yeah, we've all got it, it's not a man woman thing.
The feminine objection is, don't abandon me,
don't leave me alone in this, whatever this is.
And it doesn't mean don't physically leave the room.
- But also remember to invite them to use their own words
based on their style.
How they communicate with their partners,
the type of words they use to communicate.
As your session is coming to an end,
your client had loads of insights, they've practiced
this speech or made a plan with you
on what they will do to improve their relationship.
They're pumped and ready to talk to their partners,
but they're so caught up in the moment and their emotions
that they may blabber everything out
as soon as the partner comes through the door.
If the partner had a long day at work
or is not feeling great, it won't go as well
as they might have imagined.
Which is why I invite you to encourage not immediate action
for your clients, check this out.
- You will be able to stay in the relationship.
How could you put that in your own words?
Take a deep breath.
- I'm like, 'cause I'm like going there already.
- Yeah, going where meaning?
- Like that day when I have to.
- And you don't have to go there right now.
Just yeah, stay here, this is what you feel your own body,
you know, you and I, right now in these 30, 40 minutes,
we've just been connecting and having a deep conversation,
exploration about love and intimacy and boundaries
so just feel this conversation with us,
just being here in this moment.
When are you going to see Davi-Day again?
- Maybe tonight.
- Maybe tonight?
You see him every day?
- Almost.
- Almost every day, you all live together though?
- No.
- You don't have to have this conversation tonight.
I probably wouldn't suggest it even,
that's up to you, you know, but what I want to let you do,
is just marinate in what we're exploring,
because I want you to find your own words
to communicate your heart, your experience
in a way that is honoring of his
and his right to choose is his freedom if he will,
that make sense?
- Note this, Bryan not saying don't take action,
he's saying, don't take action right now.
We already know it's crucial for our clients
to leave the session with an action plan.
What to think about, and what to work on you know the drill.
But when it comes to relationship coaching,
it's important to encourage clients to marinate
their thoughts first, as part of their action plan.
Spending some time to reflect after the conversation
will allow your client to get more insights.
Find their own language needles, and wait
for the right moment to take action with their partners.
My wish for you is that you take time to process
the tips and insights you've gotten out of this video
and start testing them in your coaching sessions.
My wish for you is that you never stop learning
and honing your coaching skills so you can create the impact
and results you've always dreamed off for your clients
and for yourself.
It might seem daunting and never ending at times,
but I guarantee that if you keep going,
you become a master coach you want to be.
Now, you know eight powerful and easy to use
relationship coaching tips
from masterful coach Bryan Reeves.
Here's a bonus one, learn how to set healthy boundaries.
Bryan dives deep into boundaries,
in one of our highest rated programs, Coaching Mastery.
And you can test drive it today for a small fee,
find the link in the description box to learn more
about coaching mastery.
What is your favorite relationship techniques?
Share it with us in the comment section below,
so we can crowdsource our knowledge
and learn from each other.
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