(Upbeat music)
- Now, see, Beethoven actually refers
to the Charles Grodin character.
The dog is Beethoven's monster.
- Oh fuck, now I have to rewrite this entire think piece.
- Sorry.
- Screw it.
Hey Jess! What're you up to?
- Scented candles!
I'm decorating my room this weekend.
- Cool, you gonna hang up some little fairy lights too?
- Do you have gauzy curtains
and a sign that says "dream"?
- Yeah, how did you guys know that?
- I'm sorry Jess,
it's just sometimes you can be a little basic.
It's whatever.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh!
- What oh you know-it-alls and killjoys?
Your days of terror are at an end!
- Who are you?
- It is I, Sir John Doe!
The normal knight, defender of the basic
and champion of the plain!
My lady, these brigins have not sorcered you
with their preteniory, or made fun of you
for caring too much about your own birthday, have they?
- No.
- Very well. Serpents of the ivory tower-
- Is there not security?
- Why have you cheeped and tittered
at this fair maiden's scented candles?
- It's just-
- She's-
- She just has tastes that are basic.
- Basic?
- Yeah.
- Haha, I laugh.
Would you object to the sweet smell of vanilla and bean,
for the sake of its commonness alone?
- No.
- Yes.
- Well, yes, but, I don't know, okay.
It's the pumpkin spice latte of home decoration.
- The most noble symbol of my house.
Drink.
- I'm cool.
- Drink or perish, coward.
- Okay.
Man, that's good.
- Course it's good, it's a hot pumpkin flavored milkshake
you can drink in the middle of the day. It's incredible.
- My red eye!
- Hipster swill.
- A frappuccino, really?
Fuck, that's good. It's really good.
- It's good.
- It's really good.
- Basic things always are.
- That's not true, what about being a sexy cat
every year for Halloween?
- A cheap, easy costume
that honors the spirit of the holidays
and let's you flirt with cute boys.
- But, she's always telling stories
about her semester abroad.
- A college story and a travel story for the price of one,
count me in!
- Her favorite artist is Taylor Swift.
- Red bangs from beginning to end
and only a fool would claim otherwise.
- She said that she'd rather own every Marvel movie
than the Criterion collection.
- 18 beautiful movies, interconnected into a single tapestry
a surging saga exploring the nature of power
and responsibility.
- They're all the same though.
- As are sunsets and rainbows, you viper!
So what if this young woman has a poster of Audrey Hepburn
across from a poster of the Eiffel Tower
caddycorner to a mural that says "live, laugh, love"
framed in Christmas lights?
- What? How did you know that?
- Cause of course you do.
Because those things are wonderful.
Audrey Hepburn is an icon, Paris is romantic.
Christmas lights make small, depressing rooms feel warm
and welcoming, and live, laugh, love is great advice
for anybody!
- But we don't hate basic people,
it's just that their taste is defined
by what everyone else is in to.
- So, you would never do what a basic person does?
- No!
- So you're taste is also defined
by what everybody else does?
- We're frauds.
- Pizza is my favorite food.
- Yes, and?
- I prefer milk chocolate to dark chocolate.
- Of course you do, it has more sugar in it.
- I fantasize about singing Disney songs at karaoke.
- That would be fun, everyone would know all the words
and sing along!
- My favorite position is missionary.
- Mine's cowgirl!
- Of course they are,
who's trying to do a bunch of work in the bedroom?
Not me!
- Not me!
- No!
- Oh, wow!
- Live your lives, scoop your bagels,
find your favorite quote in the loopiest font you can
and make that your cover photo.
Should you ever need me, you need but message me,
at my dog's Instagram account.
- That is fun!
- That is fun! - What is it, I'll follow it.
- At Sirbarksalot. - Oh my God is that his name?
- Well, we call him Barksy around the house.
- He's verified!
- I love that!
- That's crazy, Katie's not even verified.
- Hey guys, it's Brennan from College Humor.
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