Well, Republicans really showed their a***s last week. For one thing, Marjorie Taylor Greene
straight up ripped me off by retweeting someone who called House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy
a feckless [coughs]. I’m not allowed to say the real word anymore or else TBS will make
me go on Hot Ones. Hot Ones was designed by Hollywood as a cruel form of punishment to
keep celebrities in line. Meanwhile, Senate Republicans once again took democracy behind
the back of the barn and shot it in the face - Republicans using the filibuster for the
first time in the Biden era to block what had already been negotiated as a fully bipartisan
commission with Republicans in on it, to try to get to the bottom of the facts of the January 6
riot. 54 senators voting for it. That includes six Republicans. Which means a majority in both
the House and Senate want this, back this. But in our democracy right now, that’s not enough. Not
enough to overcome Mitch McConnell’s obstruction. The truth is there’s nothing that can overcome
Mitch McConnell’s obstruction. He’s so adept at clogging things up, he’s the first human to be
designated a fatberg. A majority of Americans support a commission to investigate the deadly
insurrection at the Capitol. But rather than represent Americans, Republicans are too busy
distancing themselves from having to take any responsibility for the riot, while still
pandering to the garbage pile who believe the only thing standing between them and a cabal
of Satan-worshipping pedophiles is Donald Trump. This was the first time during this congressional
session that Republicans used the filibuster to block legislation, but it won’t be the last.
And it comes at a time when we desperately need the people we elected to do their f***ing jobs.
There’s only one solution. We have to kill the filibuster! And when I say kill it, I mean kill
it. Burn it, strangle it, draw it a bath and drop a plugged-in toaster on it. I do not care.
The point is the filibuster needs to die. Now, it’s time for me to do that thing I do once or
twice per season, which is to gorgeously, but concisely, explain what the filibuster
is. You see, America, the filibuster is… ah, f*** it, I’m tired. Let someone else do it.
- These 100 people are the U.S. Senate. They pass laws. They vote, and when a majority says yes,
it passes. But these days, the Senate doesn't do that very often. See, the Senate has this rule.
It says before they vote, 60 people have to agree to have the vote. That means just 41 people,
a minority, can entirely block a bill. This is called a filibuster.
Proponents of the filibuster argue that it promotes compromise, and if we got rid of it,
it would bite us in the a** when Republicans invariably take over again.
Opponents of the filibuster argue that it overturns the democratic will of the people,
while Ray Parker Jr. argued, “Filibustin’ makes me feel good!” Look, believe it or not, we’ve already
gotten rid of the filibuster before—130 years ago! The House of Representatives also had rules that
permitted the minority party to filibuster bills. But in the 1890s, they realized it was preventing
them from being able to pass anything. So they got rid of it! Why hasn’t the Senate followed suit?
Probably because it lets them live the American dream: getting paid a lot of money
to do absolutely nothing. Basically, even though Democrats control the Senate, the House, and the
White House, if we want to pass any non-budgetary legislation, we need to have a supermajority in
the Senate. Unfortunately, we just have a measly simple majority, so we’re screwed. But there is
something we can do with our simple majority. We can kill the filibuster. Smother it in its sleep,
poison it, walk it over enough manholes that one of them falls in. I don’t care.
Eliminating the filibuster would mean we could pass legislation with a simple 51 votes. Now
that is a nice number. Unlike the number 69, which requires far more work than anyone wants to put in
with very little payoff. But unfortunately, much like the Friends reunion, the Democratic Party is
held back by people who make you ask things like, “okay, but why is he there?” and “oh, does he have
a show on HBO Max we don’t know about?” - Would you be willing to
break the filibuster in order to get this passed? - I’m not ready to destroy our government. I’m
not ready to destroy our government. No. I think they will come together.
You have to have faith there’s ten good people. And then there was a Brady Bunch slide whistle
transition and Manchin said, “I can’t believe there’s not ten good people!” When politicians
talk about preserving the filibuster, they make it seem like it’s a cornerstone of our Constitution,
but it’s not even in there. It’s just a random rule senators made up, like
“don’t sit in the chair behind Ted Cruz if voting after lunch.” But while that one is necessary,
the filibuster isn’t. And for a century, it’s been used to deny rights to Black people.
- The tool was used successfully to block anti-lynching legislation and deny Black
people the right to vote. The filibuster has been used more in the past decade than ever before,
ramping up under Senate opposition to President Obama. Now, many Democrats worry the filibuster
will be used to block legislation rooted in the same fights of the ‘50s and ‘60s.
- If all this takes eliminating the filibuster—another Jim Crow relic—in order to
secure the God-given rights of every American, then that’s what we should do.
The stakes could not be higher. Until we lose the filibuster, the entire progressive agenda
is at risk: from voting rights to immigration reform to gun control to climate policy.
Democrats, you won! Stop letting the losers call the shots. As my dance teacher used to say,
“Wow me or get the f*** out, kid.” She was mean. But she was also cruel. Finally, stop
acting like there will ever be any sort of real bipartisan compromise from Republicans!
It is time to kill the motherf***ing filibuster. Make it ride shotgun with Caitlin Jenner. Crush
it under a piano. Push it onto the grill at Benihana. I don’t care. Just do it already.