-All right! What's going on, everybody?
Good to see you. [ Cheers and applause ]
I know what you all are thinking --
"DJ Khaled!"
[ Laughter ] No, I'm just kidding.
"Another one!" You guys are very...
accurately racist, actually. [ Laughter ]
My name is Mohammed -- it's not Khaled.
I live in New York now.
I've had like 20 Mohammed Uber drivers
in the last week alone. [ Laughter ]
Every time I get a notification
that a Mohammed is going to pick me up,
I always make a stupid face.
I'm like, "Hey, all right. My man, all right!"
[ Laughter ]
And then, I start imagining that,
when he gets the notification that he's picking up Mohammed,
he's making the same stupid face as I am at the same exact time.
"He's like, all right, Mohammed! Salaam alaikum, brother!
I'm coming to get you!" [ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I am a Palestinian-American Muslim,
came here as a refugee.
Yay! Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
It's a tough time to be Mohammed right now.
Uh. [ Laughter ]
I traveled the world without a passport for --
It took me 20 years to get my citizenship.
I would get interrogated everywhere.
Japan, by far, my favorite interrogation --
it was just an hour of them trying to figure out
what I did for a living. [ Light laughter ]
The entire hour consisted of, "So, what is your occupation?"
I was like, "Oh, I'm a comedian."
"Comedian?"
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah, I do stand-up comedy."
"Stand-up comedy?"
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah, man, I do comedy."
"Comedy?"
"Yeah, I'm a stand-up comedian."
"Stand-up comedian?" [ Laughter ]
"Am I being roasted right now? What's happening?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Finally, his friend walks in.
His friend walks in. He's like, "...comedian."
He goes, "Oh, yeah, comedian.
He's like a Bill Cosby!"
[ Laughter ]
And that's what got me off was Bill Cosby.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, not literally, but figuratively --
that's what... [ Laughter and applause ]
What? What'd I say? What? [ Applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
London was always exciting.
I get there, and they're like,
[British accent] "Oh!
Oh, hello, Mohammed, hello.
We need your thumbprint. Yeah, your thumbprint."
[ Laughter ] Eventually, I get through.
I was performing in London.
This guy in the front row -- I look at him.
I was like, "Excuse me sir.
What part of England are you from?"
He loses his mind.
He was like, "I'm not British -- I'm Australian!
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!" [ Laughter ]
And all these Australians popped up like little minions,
like, "Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!"
[ Laughter ] I was like, "Oh, hey.
Hold up. Hold up. Hold up, please."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I didn't realize it was so offensive...
to mistake an Australian for being British.
[ Laughter ] I just looked at him.
I was like, "My God, man,
the British flag is inside of your flag!"
[ Laughter ]
"It's in the top-left-hand corner,
FaceTiming your flag."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Applause continues ]
They asked me to do shows for U.S. troops.
I thought it was a setup immediately.
[ Laughter ] I was -- was like,
"Who is this?!" [ Chuckles ]
They're like, "No, we want you to go to Kuwait and Iraq."
I'm like, "That's where my family fled from!"
[ Laughter ]
"You want me to go back into a war zone voluntarily --
I'll do it." Yeah.
You don't know where you're going.
And we were in Northern Iraq.
We're about to walk off the base --
me and the two other comedians.
And the sergeant looks at us and goes, "Hey, fellas,
uh, make sure to remove your nametags,
cause I don't want you guys getting kidnapped."
I was like, "Kidnapped? We can get kidnapped?"
I started to freak out.
And then I remembered I'm in Kuwait and Iraq
and I look like everybody else there, you know?
[ Laughter ]
If anybody's gonna get kidnapped,
it's probably these two very white comedians
I'm working with. [ Laughter ]
Some terrorists were to hop out of a van like,
"Hey! Hey, it's a kidnapping! Get in the van now!"
I'd be like, "Habibi..."
[ Laughter ]
[ Speaking foreign language ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
"I'm sorry, guys." [ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you very much.
Thank you.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
-Thank you so much for coming. -[ Speaking indistinctly ]
♪♪
-Mo Amer! Mo Amer! [ Cheers and applause continue ]
Check out his comedy special "The Vagabond" on Netflix.