I love getting groceries man,
I love buying food,
but when I get to the cashier
and they're like, "Dan,
"paper or plastic?"
I'm like well, if you
choose paper you get home
that's like 12 trips from your car
to the kitchen.
Plastic, one trip,
because you pop open the trunk
and then weave these fingers
through 95 handles.
(audience laughing)
Then you lift them.
(Dan grunting)
All right let's, let's
wait a minute, these bags are lighter.
Hold on,
let me put the milk over here.
Now we're balanced.
Oh my gosh, how am I
gonna close the trunk?
For me that 20-second walk
to the house,
most grueling part of my entire week.
Mumbling man, I got to work out,
man I got to work out,
man I got to work out.
Finally get to the front door
and it's like dang it,
the keys are in my pocket,
so you got to put down the bag,
unlock the door,
pick up the bag and
reweave your fingers.
Always miss that one handle,
just praying your
bananas don't fall out.
By the time they get
to the kitchen counter
there's no blood left in my hands.
Hurts to straighten my fingers out.
Then I'm stuck with that
kung fu grip for six weeks.
Should have chose paper,
but no, it was worth it
because we made one trip
but now we got bags
for our bathroom trash cans.
(audience laughing)
Still nothing from the old timer.
(audience laughing)
Good looking man, but I feel
like he's just staring at me
waiting for me to call out
bingo numbers right now.
(audience laughing)
I can't buy a laugh from
this whole front row.
Every time I look at them,
I feel like I got 50 cents in my pocket
and I'm walking
through a dollar store.
(audience laughing)
We got a smile.
He was scaring me for a minute,
you know what I mean?
They say if you want
to have a great show
you just get on stage and
match the energy of the front row
but frankly, I don't feel
like taking a nap right now.
(audience laughing)
My friends love my
observational material, you know?
I got great friends, great friends
and three of these guys want me
to help them move next month
and I'm a great guy so
that ain't gonna happen.
(audience laughing)
No, I don't mind all that heavy lifting,
you know what I mean?
That's what dudes do,
I just don't want to sit in your house
and pretend that we're
trying to figure out
where all your stuff goes
because let me tell you right now,
do you know what controls
the whole layout of the furniture
in your bedroom?
The cable jack.
It's like the architects
were messing with us
when they built the place.
"Hey Eugene, come here,
"let me show you what I did.
"I put it between the closet
"and the bathroom.
"Smallest strip of wall
"in the entire house.
"No TV is going to fit there baby.
"Which means the bed
"has to go right here,
"so in the morning the sun
"will shine through the window
"right on their faces.
"Go check out the living room,
"I put the jack in the fireplace."
(audience laughing)
I hate and I mean hate walking
into that new empty bedroom
and trying to figure out
which one of the 10 sockets
is controlled by the light switch.
All right, let me plug
my lamp into this one.
Light switch, gosh!
Let me try the one next to it,
maybe that's what the builder
had in mind.
Light switch, man!
What could possibly be wrong?
Oh, there's no light bulb in here.
(audience laughing)
Sockets in a room,
never where I need them,
you know I mean?
Everything's wireless these days
but when I was growing up,
you we're like,
well the phone jack's here
but my desk needs to go there.
Looks like I'll buy
a 27-foot phone cord
and wrap it over the door,
over the closet,
over the bathroom,
underneath the carpet,
which means the bed goes here,
the alarm clock plugs in there,
and that's the socket
that's controlled
by the light switch,
(audience laughing)