Okay... Hat. No hat. Hat. No hat.
Hey you! So, i'm very sad. I'm sad all the time and i've kind of touched on this briefly
at the start of the very very infrequent vlogs where i'm like "Oh hi! Got stuff going on
don't wanna talk about it yet" Erm, so maybe I should just talk about the stuff that's
going on now because I can't. Can't talk about anything. Can't talk about it with anyone
in real life because... Pfft I'm mad now and apparently I have this co-dependant relationship
with a camera where I can't express myself to anything other than a soulless lens, which
is good. It's really good. Healthy.
This is a fun video. This is a breakdown. You're getting to watch a breakdown live.
Isn't that great. Erm let's jump back. Do some backstory. In 2013 I was diagnosed with
severe depression, which basically means that I don't feel things very well. Erm and i'm
sad a lot of the time. So I went on some medication. That medication made me very manic. I did
a lot of interesting things in the early stages of being on my medication. Such as having
a very big shift in my social circles. And also did some really weird things like oversharing
a lot. I overshared a lot. Like way too much. Did like really weird sex posts on Tumblr
all about my sex life. That was weird. Regret that. Erm and then after that medication stopped
doing anything I went on some stronger medication in 2014, which made me very hungry all the
time and I just put on like 50 pounds. So, good job. Good job me.
But that's some backstory about my brain. It's fucked. It's just fucked. So, around
mid-2014 I wasn't doing very well with people and friendships. I wasn't doing very good
at being a friend. I wasn't handling that very well. So, I kind of just isolated myself
away and moved. I moved and I got my own place. I got my own house to live in alone and I
put a pause on a lot of my friendships and I still haven't really unpaused a lot of them
I don't really know how to or even if I want to because I guess i've got a lot of issues
about losing friends and giving them the power to y'know terminate a friendship. So, I just
never see them again. Problem solved.
Erm. I did get my own office though. So, TurboPunch LTD is a functioning company and we have this
office, which is actually unnecessarily large, but the rents pretty cheap. So, yay! And that's
what we do. So, we make a lot of videos in here. My day involves waking up, not cleaning
my house and then coming to the office and then leaving the office at about midnight
because Pfft! And I have a few friends. I do have friends. I have a few people I hang
out with here and there. That's my life. That is what I do with my days.
That's a bit of a backstory on my head and my life to paint a bit of a picture before
I talk about what's new, whats happening now, why did I start the year like "Hey yeah! Let's
lose weight! This is gonna be really good!" Then like immediately stop and kind of shrink
and get a little smaller. Emotionally not physically. Physically i've been getting bigger.
Joke!
Okay. Err. Ha! Okay so this next bit is important so i'm gonna try and do it in one take and
try not screw it up because I don't know if I can say things more than once. So, what
happened? What broke me this time? Oh god! Erm! My parents are getting divorced. Erm,
and this is something that almost happened a couple of times when I was younger and it
didn't happen and now it's happening and I don't really know how to process that. And
then my dog died like just immediately afterwards. So, Dudley is gone. And then I broke up with
my girlfriend because I wasn't feeling very good and I was very sad and I was just tired
of being just terrible, terrible boyfriend who is incapable of exuding the appropriate
amount of affection and love so I eat. I eat all the food. I just keep eating and I was
drinking so much. Like three bottles of wine a day. Well, Rose. I don't really like the
other wines. Erm! So, there is that. And I just think, I just have terrible thoughts
all of the time and it's just bleeding into everything. Everything I write. And it's just
bad. And PFFT!! A PFFT! And I feel so stupid having all of these problems because look
at me. When it boils down to it my biggest problem in life is that I spend all the money
I make on food. Oh boohoo me! I'm like a fucking straight white guy. Top of the social food
chain with a great job and friends that care about me and success, but here I am just miserable!
Just miserable all the time and it's crazy. It's stupid. That's so stupid and dumb. What
right do I have to be miserable this is objectively my problems are mute. So many have gone through
the same things that I'm going through right now. I'm 25 years old. I shouldn't be so incredibly
affected by my parents splitting up. I should not have cut my Dad out 5 months ago and not
spoken to him since. OOH GOD. So, yeah i'm not doing very well and I thought that maybe
doing this video and just putting that out there to the world would be a little bit easier
than talking to real people. To my real friends in real life looking in some eyes. Because...
PFFT! This is the relationship I have now with the world. I talk to a camera. So. Haha!
That's my life.