I worry about getting murdered a lot.
- I do. I do. - Woman: Yeah!
I get it. I know you can't act this way and be like,
"I'm gonna live forever!"
It's like I'm definitely gonna be in a trunk.
I know that.
I come home really, really late at night,
which is just like murdering women happy hour.
So I've developed a couple fun little tricks to try not get killed.
So like, when I get out of my car,
instead of walking down the sidewalk like a regular woman,
I choose to sprint down the center of the road,
constantly turning my head like that.
And it's less so a murderer can't catch me,
and more so another murderer
thinks I've already been claimed.
They're like, "Ah, no! Rick's got her.
Okay. Cool, cool, cool."
Men sometimes get upset with me. I get that.
They'll come up to me after shows and they're like,
"Why are you so political?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm just up here being like, 'Stop hitting us!
It hurts!'"
( cheers, applause )
I don't hate men. I really--
I don't want you to think that. I love men.
( sighs ) I keep saying that wrong.
- I love dick. - ( cheers )
Yeah. I do!
And people are so mean to dicks, too.
Like, "Dicks cause wars. Dicks are evil to women."
It's like dicks are magical, beautiful presents
that happen to be attached to monsters.
( cheers, applause )
That's what's happening.
Like, when has a dick ever texted you the wrong form of "your"?
Never. Never.
A dick never shows up in a Hawaiian shirt
to meet your family, like, "I don't know what the issue is."
Well, there's a lot of fucking issues!
These are my parents, not a goddamn Jimmy Buffet concert!
Dicks are so cool.
You guys have so many tricks you can do.
Like, a dick wakes up excited.
( laughs, applause )
Just ready to go!
Ready to greet the day!
What a morning person.
A dick wakes up before the human it's attached to.
How is that not on "MythBusters"?
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
Never in my 30 years I'm like, "Oh! My vagina's awake!
♪ Time to go to work! ♪
I love men, men love me, kind of, I guess.
My dad's very confused by my interactions with men.
Like, once a guy drove six hours to see me for two hours
and then immediately drove back six hours.
And my dad was like, "Why would anyone ever do that?"
There's no nice way to be like, "I don't know, Dad.
I just got that good pussy."
- ( cheers, applause ) - Hang on. No.
You can't say that!
You have to be like, "I'm witty!
I'm a Gryffindor and a Hufflepuff!"
( laughs, scattered applause )
I love when you go into businesses
and in the women's bathroom, they have signs on the wall
that say, "Please don't flush any tampons down the toilet."
And it's like, "Oh! Well, we are."
( laughs )
That's like exactly what we're doing a hundred percent of the time.
There's always a trash can out.
I'm like, "Fuck your trash can!"
I make 77 cents on the dollar, I'm not waddling to a trash can.
Hillary lost! She lost!
I'll flush a fucking shoe down the toilet if I want to.
( cheers, applause )
I'm gonna be postmenopausal
just dipping tampons in pudding,
fast-pitch softballing them.
"Do you still want her e-mails?"
And then my friend was like, "No, no, no. You can't do it!
It's like an environmental crisis.
The tampons get in the sewer, they clump together,
and then a man has to go down and break it apart."
I'm like, "That's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life!"
No Google image search has made me come faster
than a man in a hazmat suit having to chisel apart
a Robert E. Lee statue of used tampons.
God bless America!
( cheers, applause )