LAST NIGHT, TRUMP HELD A RALLY IN KENTUCKY TO SUPPORT KENTUCKY
GOVERNOR AND GUY TRYING TO GET YOU TO INVEST IN HIS C.B.D.
ENERGY DRINK, MATT BEVIN.
BEVIN IS UP FOR REELECTION TODAY, AND HE NEEDS ALL THE HELP
HE CAN GET.
IN A POLL EARLIER THIS YEAR, HE WAS THE LEAST-POPULAR GOVERNOR
IN THE UNITED STATES.
KENTUCKY HASN'T HAD A LEADER THIS UNPOPULAR SINCE GOVERNOR
JONATHAN FOREHEAD-VESTIGAL TWIN VON HORSE FONDLER.
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP LEANED IN TO BEVIN'S UNPOPULARITY.
>> NOW, HE IS DIFFICULT, I HAVE TO SAY.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE IT'LL COST HIM THE ELECTION,
BUT IT'S OKAY.
LOOK, HE IS SUCH A PAIN.
BIT ISN'T THAT REALLY WHAT YOU WANT IN A GOVERNOR?
( APPLAUSE )
HE IS SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS, BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.
( APPLAUSE )
DON'T LIKE?
DON'T YOU LOVE THEM?
BUT, HMMM, A PAIN IN THE ASS THAT TRUMP STILL WANTS YOU TO
VOTE FOR.
COULD HE BE TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF?
YES.
WELL, CHECK OUT HIS NEW CAMPAIGN AD CAMPAIGN.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP IS CHANGING WASHINGTON.
CREATING SIX MILLION NEW JOBS.
OBLITERATING ISIS.
HE'S NO MR. NICE GUY, BUT SOMETIMES IT TAKES A DONALD
TRUMP TO CHANGE WASHINGTON.
>> Stephen: "AND SOMETIMES, WHEN THE LIFEGUARD WANTS EVERYONE OUT
OF THE POOL, HE TAKES A DUMP RIGHT IN THE DEEP END.
( LAUGHTER )
SOMETIMES IT TAKES A POOL POOPER TO GET THE JOB DONE.
VOTE 'DEEP END TURD 2020.
KEEP ON SWIMMING.'" BUT-- DEEP END TURD.
COME ON IN.
THE WATER'S BROWN.
( LAUGHTER )
DON'T LIKE HIM IS JUST HALF OF TRUMP'S REELECTION STRATEGY.
THE OTHER HALF IS MAKING THE DEMOCRATS SEEM EVEN WORSE.
>> THE RADICAL DEMOCRATS ARE GOING TOTALLY INSANE.
( BOOING ) THEY WANT TO OBLITERATE THE
RULE OF LAW, DRIVE OUT FAITH FROM THE PUBLIC SQUARE.
SILENCE YOU ONLINE, CONFISCATE YOUR GUNS.
INDOCTRINATE YOUR CHILDREN.
DESTROY ANYONE WHO HOLDS TRADITIONAL AMERICAN VALUES.
ERASE OUR TRADITIONS, OUR CULTURE, OUR HISTORY, AND
AND OUR HEROES.
THEY WANT TO SUBJUGATE YOU AND BREAK YOU TO THEIR WILL.
>> Stephen (AS TRUMP): "THEY WANT TO BAKE A BALD EAGLE
INTO AN APPLE PIE AND REPLACE FOOTBALL WITH RAP MUSIC.
THESE RADICAL DEMOCRATS WANT TO CASTRATE TRUCK NUTS AND MAKE
YOUR DOG A MUSLIM.
AND ON THE FOURTH OF JULY, THEY'RE GONNA FORCE ALL OF
MOUNT RUSHMORE TO GAY MARRY EACH OTHER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO, NO.
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
THAT'S THEY WANT.
ABE'S INTO IT.
" TRUMP ALSO WENT OFF ON THE
MEDIA, COMPLAINING THAT THEY DIDN'T GIVE HIM ENOUGH CREDIT
FOR THE RAID THAT KILLED ISIS LEADER, ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI.
>> THEY CAN TAKE WHAT WE DID TWO WEEKS AGO WITH THE NUMBER-ONE
TERRORIST IN THE WORLD, AND THEY MAKE IT LOOK AS BAD AS POSSIBLE.
IN FACT, I LOVE DOGS, BUT THEY GAVE THE DOG FULL CREDIT.
THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY.
>> Stephen: THE ONLY ONE WHO GAVE THAT DOG ANY CREDIT
WAS YOU!
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ACTUALLY TWEETED A PHOTOSHOP OF
YOU AWARDING THE DOG A MEDAL!
LISTEN, LOOK-- IF YOU REALLY WANTED THE CREDIT, MAYBE YOU
SHOULD HAVE TWEETED THIS PHOTO:
THANK YOU, CONAN.
CONAN, RIGHT?
AT ONE POINT, TRUMP CONGRATULATED A NOMINEE FOR
KENTUCKY ATTORNEY GENERAL AND GOT A LITTLE DISTRACTED BY HIS
OWN WORDS.
>> THANK YOU, DANIEL.
A STAR.
A STAR IS BORN.
( APPLAUSE )
THAT MOVIE?" A STAR IS BORN.
>> Stephen (AS TRUMP): "I LOVE 'A STAR IS BORN.'
( TO TUNE OF "SHALLOW" )
JUST READ THE TRANSCRIPT
♪ MY FAVORITE BEEF IS GROUND I KNOW THEY'RE HIDIN'
DIRT ON JOE BIDEN WE'RE CLOSE TO IMPEACHMENT NOW ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MOVIE.
THE FINAL SHOT OF THE MOVIE.
>> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: AS YOU COULD SEE IN THAT FOOTAGE, MANY TRUMP
SUPPORTERS WERE WEARING T-SHIRTS LAST NIGHT THAT SAID "READ THE
TRANSCRIPT."
WE DID READ THE TRANSCRIPT!
THAT'S WHERE WE LEARNED ABOUT TRUMP PRESSURING UKRAINE!
THIS IS LIKE IF JEFFREY DAHMER GOT ARRESTED WHILE WEARING A
T-SHIRT THAT SAID, "CHECK THE FRIDGE."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ELIZABETH BANKS IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!" JOIN US.