- My name is Hunter
and I feel that being named Hunter
kind of gives away what I look like.
(laughing)
There's only one brand of guy named Hunter
(laughing)
We all look genetically predisposed to be
amped about Top Golf!
(laughing)
It's not the type of guy that I am,
but you know of guys that I'm talking about, right.
They're always dating a girl named Madison.
(laughing)
They say cool stuff like,
"Uh, I'm too sober for this,"
at church.
(laughing)
Or still every time they meet a lesbian,
they'll audibly say, "Nice."
(laughing)
I just did the douchebag version of those
Dos Equis most interesting man in the world commercials,
like the ending of theirs would be,
when I have sex, girls don't always cum,
(laughing)
that's it.
(laughing)
Stay khaki, my shorts.
(laughing)
I do consider myself a feminist, though,
anybody else?
(cheering)
All right, not you buddy, nice, good for you, all right.
(laughing)
not until she drives.
(laughing)
I don't know, I feel like saying you're a male feminist
is weird these days.
Have you noticed, like a lot of them are
really aggressive with their feminism, you know,
they'll like yell at you with it.
They'll be like, dude did you help the cause today, huh?
What did you do?
What did you do help?
I was helping all day.
What did you do?
I'm not going to lose that competition, right.
So I'll just be like, yeah buddy, I'm such a feminist
that I take 23 cents out of every dollar I make
and I throw it in the god damn garbage, right.
(laughing)
We'll all make 77 cents on the dollar.
(laughing)
If you didn't like that, you're not going to
like these next two.
(laughing)
I'm such a feminist that I have a Fleshlight.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm, mm.
(laughing)
rubber vaginas.
(laughing)
I'm such a feminist that I go down on that Fleshlight.
(laughing)
for 45 minutes,
(laughing)
cause that's how long it takes, right.
(laughing)
Cum sometime.
(laughing)
I'm such a feminist that I believe in God
because God is a woman, right.
And so was Jesus.
It's pronounced Jess-us, we've just been saying it wrong,
you know, you've seen the pictures,
long hair, cheek bones, turning water into Rose.
(laughing)
Made her 12 closest friends go to a group dinner.
(laughing)
Just to be like, one of you bitches is going to betray me
(laughing)
and I will literally, die.
(laughing)
Jes, why are we sitting on one side of the table?
For the group picture, bitch.
Everybody lean away from me, this is about me.
(laughing)
My dad's more important than your dad.
(laughing)
One of my best friends is a woman.
(laughing)
It wasn't a joke, but
I get how I look now.
One of my best friends is a woman
and she got married recently
and after the wedding, she asked me for a favor.
She was like, Hunter, my wife and I,
she's a lesbian, right
Nice.
(laughing)
My wife and I want to have a baby
and we wanted to know if you would be the sperm donor
for us to have that baby
and I was like, phew, I thought you were just going to
ask me to help you move.
(laughing)
Sure, we're drunk, riding scooters,
this is the right time for this.
(laughing)
But I was like that'd be great, you know,
help you start a family, right.
Plus any excuse to jerk off in the middle of the day.
Mm, am I right fellas?
Yeah, this guy, my man, you know.
(laughing)
But she asking me questions about my family health history,
right, trying to understand what she'd
be getting into, genetically.
It was all normal stuff, except the last question
she asked me, I swear to God,
how big is your penis?
I was like, it's nine inches
cause she's a married lesbian, she can't fact check that.
(laughing)
I was lik, why are you asking me how big my dick is?
And she said, oh well, if we have a son,
we want to make sure when he grows up, he's got a big dick,
so he fucks a lot.
(laughing)
That is weirdly thoughtful actually.
(laughing)
That's really nice of you, you are ready to be a mother.
(laughing)
Wish my mom had that foresight.
(laughing)
So I was asking her, how does this work, right?
Do I go to a sperm bank and donate there?
And she said, no, no, no,
we're doing this on the cheap, right.
Just come over to our place, right,
this is where you cheap out,
(laughing)
Come over to our place, we're going to give you a cup,
go into the bathroom, you're going to jerk off into the cup,
and then we're going to take a turkey baster,
we're going to get it out of there
and we're just beep
into my wife,
miracle of life.
(laughing)
I was like this doesn't sound right,
at all because a turkey baster.
I don't think they have any idea
how much guys cum, you know.
(laughing)
If there's a guy filling up a turkey baster,
do not make more of that guy.
(laughing)
He's sick, let those genes die off.
(laughing)
So I was trying to make a joke
to lighten things up a little bit,
I was just like, you know, if we're doing this on the cheap,
why don't we save money on the turkey baster,
and I could just, you know, the old-fashioned way
and I did this cause I'm good at it
(laughing)
and she responded very seriously,
no, no, I'm pretty sure we have a turkey baster.
(laughing)
We're reusing a turkey baster,
you can't mix those fluids, you know,
She said, what are you taking about it's fine,
we're going to wash it before
and we're going to wash it after.
(laughing)
After, you're going to keep it!
You're going to keep using it after I cum it up, you know.
(laughing)
It seems irresponsible.
Just imagining Thanksgiving seven years later,
she's got the kid there, just like,
ah, you know what,
(laughing)
This is kind of your real dad.
(laughing)
At least this was nine inches.
Oh.