- Are you a kayaker, whoever said that over there?
- [Audience Member] Root canal!
- Oh, tell you what,
I'm gonna combine that.
Root canal kayaking.
That is serendipitous in its beauty.
Root canal kayaking is great.
Someone over here shouted.
What did you shout?
- [Audience Member] Umbrellas
- Umbrellas?
Mmm, that's kind of boring.
- [Audience Member] Misogyny!
- Misogyny?
Yes, misogyny and root canal kayaking.
A hand up here?
Oxbow lake?
Ooh, get you geography teacher.
Yes, Oxbow Lake, root canal kayaking, misogyny.
Let's get two more.
(audience members shouting)
You said paper with such enthusiasm.
Who said paper?
(audience members shouting)
You said paper.
Do you have a particular favourite type of paper?
- [Audience Member] GSM.
- GSM?
The GSM of paper, yes.
The GSM of paper, root canal kayaking, misogyny.
Hey, it's me.
I fast forwarded this part of the video
because they were really rowdy
and it took them such a long time
to come up with another suggestion.
While I have you, do me a favour.
Like the video, comment on it.
It is so helpful and I really appreciate it.
Also if you're interested in merchandise,
head over to goodsirla.com
because I will be launching that really soon.
You can put your email in and I'll let you know
when the pre-sales are open.
Cool, enjoy the video.
Arabic Botox.
I mean, I'm not entirely sure how sensible that is
as a choice.
Arabic Botox, misogyny, root canal kayaking, Oxbow Lakes,
and the GSM of paper.
Those'll do.
Those are our five.
Okay, by the way guys, you were so fucking rowdy
in that section.
Just so you know, every other audience puts their hands up
and takes it in turns.
(audience laughing)
So you brought this on yourself.
This, what it's gonna be is a freestyle rap.
That's a rap made up on the spot,
based entirely on those suggestions.
It's not prepared, it is not pre written, it's not scripted.
It will never be seen again.
It will be about root canal kayaking, misogyny, Oxbow Lakes,
Arabic Botox, and the GSM of paper.
And don't worry, it will not be anywhere near
as atrociously embarrassingly toe curlingly bad
as you are expecting a privately educated middle-class
white boy to be.
Let's drop that beat, good sir.
Let's have fun.
(upbeat music)
- [Robert De Niro] Now for something like this,
you're gonna need two guns.
The one you're gonna use, and a backup.
♪ A pain in my mouth and it swells ♪
♪ At the bottom of my incisor ♪
♪ Need a canal dug down by the dentist ♪
♪ Sittin in the chair worryin' ♪
♪ My finger's crossed when he drills there ♪
♪ You know I feel the pain ♪
♪ He takes out the the nerve ♪
♪ He puts it to the nurse the assistant ♪
♪ They serve him with an injection ♪
♪ Numbing my gums ♪
♪ And then he pulls out a boat and he's havin' some fun ♪
♪ I say dentist man what the fuck is that ♪
♪ Is this a canoe ♪
♪ No it's a kayak ♪
♪ It's spelled the same way from the front to the back ♪
♪ Now open wide and put your head back ♪
♪ He dives down my throat and into the tooth ♪
♪ Admittedly this is fantastical not truth ♪
♪ I'm makin' it up ♪
♪ I say it again ♪
♪ You might be thick like a large GSM ♪
♪ That's the thickness of the paper ♪ grammes (per) square metre ♪
♪ If you're into stationery this might please ya ♪
♪ I see the stack of the paper there ♪
♪ But if you want it in the copier ♪
♪ You're gonna get it more on the 80 (gsm) side ♪
♪ But if it wants to be hard ♪
♪ then card provides a much better one ♪
♪ It hits hard like lightning and thunder ♪
♪ You want a card 400 (gsm) ♪
♪ That's the perfect thickness the perfect width ♪
♪ If I wanna be pretty what is my wish ♪
♪ My lips to be thick like an Armenian ♪
♪ I want plump mouth like Khloe Kardashian ♪
♪ But I will say this ♪
♪ I really really need it ♪
♪ I get surgery done right down in Egypt ♪
♪ I walk in there I do stop ♪
♪ I say Mr. Egypt give me Botox ♪
♪ He lies me down upon the couch with the injection ♪
♪ He puts it over there such fun ♪
♪ Liposuction as well improves all the ♪ shape 'round my chin ♪
♪ I'm such an attractive dude ♪
♪ When I get my epidermal filler ♪
♪ I be going hard like Charybdis and Scylla ♪
♪ A classical reference that I might spit ♪
♪ And when I'm in geography ♪
♪ I never miss any fact ♪
♪ I never make a mistake ♪
♪ The river overflows make an Oxbow Lake ♪
♪ It used to be a curve ♪
♪ then it fucking went to overflow its banks ♪
♪ All the sediment built up over time ♪
♪ It was unpleasant ♪
♪ What is left ♪
♪ Water in the shape of a crescent ♪
♪ Gradually the river goes down with my hand there ♪
♪ It's straight it's got no meander ♪
♪ Last thing I offer no apology ♪
♪ For puttin' make up in ♪
♪ No misogyny from me ♪
♪ I don't hate women at all ♪
♪ As long as they are on their knees ♪
♪ And they're sucking my balls ♪
♪ Nah! I faked you out ♪
♪ That is what you like ♪
♪ I knew you would eprupt ♪
♪ I said it like psych ♪
♪ Yeah darling get more movement with the wrist ♪
♪ See this tattoo it says feminist ♪
♪ That is what you really gotta do today ♪
♪ Prove your bona fides to get a BJ ♪
♪ If they see that wow they're so pleased ♪
♪ They're sayin' are you circumcised with no dick cheese ♪
♪ It's a call back to before ♪
♪ I come like the river ♪
♪ Feel like ejaculate it goes with a quiver ♪
♪ No Oxbow Lake with the semen that is horrible ♪
♪ I come up upon the ceiling ♪ What?!
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
(gagging sounds)