Hey this is Clayton.
And in this video I'm going to talk about how to help a man experience more freedom
and feel more freedom while he's with you in a committed relationship then he could
possibly being single, running around dating and playing the field.
Now if you haven't subscribed to this channel yet, please do.
There's a subscribe button right below this video.
Also if you like this video, as you're listening to it stick around to the very end because
I've got something that is another free video that you may find particularly fascinating
and useful if you're in a relationship.
Now this idea of freedom.
How to help a man feel more free in a relationship.
Why is that important?
Well there's a lot of literature out there that states that men - the masculine - want
to experience freedom and life and that freedom is a very deep value of men.
And there's also a lot of popular thought that in order to get a man to commit somehow
he's got to give up or sacrifice this freedom to be in the relationship.
There's terms like “Commitment phobe.”
He's a commitment-phobe, or men even referring to women as the “old ball and chain” or
that when a guy gets married he's got to give up his player card.
Which all paint this picture that the man is giving up the sense of freedom that is
so deep to him being a man.
And that there's a compromise that he's got to be, that he's got to participate in in
order to be in a relationship.
Well if you are a woman and you believe this, then it sets up a pretty not a good dynamic
because you feel like you're taking something away from him and that he's compromising and
that you've somehow twisted his arm to get the relationship.
But what if there was a way that you could help him experience more freedom in the relationship
with you?
Well there is.
And in order to illustrate this I'm gonna give you a little background of how this idea
came to light.
I was on a coaching call with a client recently and it was a woman who had been in a relationship
with a guy for several months and the guy just recently broke up with her and when we
got to the core of what was actually happening the relationship we uncovered that she was
using a strategy from childhood to try to manage the relationship.
She was being a people pleaser.
She's being very agreeable.
She was trying to create harmony.
She was avoiding confrontation.
She was trying to give him what he wanted and they finally broke up.
And one of the complaints that he expressed to her he said, “You know I feel like I've
got to consistently walk around on eggshells with you and that I can't be myself.
What's ironic is that that was one of her complaints about the relationship as well
as that she felt like she couldn't be herself, that she had to walk around on eggshells.
Now as a result within this dynamic, there's a very narrow scope of how both people can
show up right?
The guy feels like he's got to walk around on eggshells.
He can't be completely himself.
She feels the exact same way so there is this constriction or this loss of freedom in the
relationship.
And it was due to her trying to please him in the relationship which seems kind of counterintuitive.
Now when we look at this more critically and we think, “Okay well how… if he was feeling
a loss of freedom while he was with her what could she have done?
How could she have been in the relationship that would actually allow him to experience
more help from himself?
More of who he is in a relationship and feel the exact opposite of like he's walking on
a tightrope or walking on eggshells?”
Well in order to have this concept land and make sense, let's look at men for a moment
and how men are typically brought up in many cultures all over the world.
Men as children are taught that they should experience only a very small spectrum emotion
that men need to man up, that men need to be driven, and they need to be the providers
and that to cry or to let someone see weakness is not in line with being a man.
So men learn from a very young age to actually disowned a part of themselves, a part of their
emotional experience in order to be in line with this idea of being a man.
And so they go through life with these blinders that are created.
Now that's not every man -- some men go out and read literature or do some work on themselves
and learn to recapture this emotional experience.
I'm talking about the majority of men.
A lot of men that I've run into a lot of men that I work with and what men are yearning
for and what they can get and what they finally get permission to have in a relationship with
a woman.
If the woman is truly there and gets this is the woman acts as an emotional gatekeeper.
She is the access point to a very rich and vibrant world of emotions that the man actually
gets to re-experience and starts to give himself permission to experience emotions.
While he's in the relationship with her that he otherwise may have not experienced since
he was a little boy.
So can you see that if a woman is showing up in a way where she's giving the guy permission
to experience this emotional world then he is able to actually experience more parts
of himself.
He's experienced.
He is able to experience more parts of his heart more parts of life's experiences.
Now how does a woman do that?
How does a woman actually give a man the permission and the territory for this level of freedom
to occur within him in the relationship where he can experience more parts of himself?
Well she does that by actually being the opposite of a people pleaser, she does that by bringing
her emotions to the table and allowing the guy to experience her on itself.
It happens through that honest transmission of her emotions.
It happens through her having the courage to bring her emotions to him for him to see
and then for him to feel like he can then follow suit and bring his emotional experience
in his on itself to the relationship as well.
And that doesn't always mean love; that doesn't always mean the warm fuzzy feelings of emotions.
It means anger.
Sometimes it means frustration.
It means sadness.
It means the entire world of emotions - the honest emotions that she is experiencing she's
bringing.
And therefore, he now feels that he can to see if the woman does not bring.
If you don't bring your emotions to the table, the communication that you are suddenly giving
him is that you don't trust that he is strong enough to actually handle you and if he doesn't
feel like you are trusting him that he can handle you he doesn't feel like he's really
getting all of you.
And then he doesn't feel like he can really bring all of himself to you either.
And that's how it creates, this very thin tightrope of what a relationship is which
creates restriction which ultimately sent him packing and wanting to leave because he
is not getting to the experience more life in the relationship.
In fact, he's experiencing less life in the relationship with you so you might be thinking,
“Well Clayton I do bring my emotions to the table I bring my emotions all the time
to him and he just shuts down or he says that I'm nagging.”
Well my response to that would be, “Maybe you're not actually bringing just purely your
emotions to the table but you may be bringing accusations married to that emotion as well
which is what he's really responding to.”
And how do you know if you're doing that is when you express your emotions is it coming
across like when you did this you made me feel or you make me feel like this.
You make me feel this and the statement comes from this place of rather than owning your
emotional experience you are telling him that he is responsible for your emotional experience
which puts a weight on him and rather than being able to receive you or rather than there
being any space for him to express his emotions and his perspective and be honest and fully
open to you, he feels like he's going to defend against you.
And rather than do that he just simply walks away or shutdown.
Now this video's already about 8 minutes long, so I'm not going to go into exactly how to
do that but if you would like to know step by step what that communication would look
like, how you can bring your emotional experience and your honest communication to him to create
a deeper connection and more permission for him to be honest with you so the two of you
can actually work through struggles rather than sweep them under the rug, click on the
link below.
Enter email address and I've got another video that I made that breaks down that process
step-by-step.
Thank you for watching and if you liked this video, please like it.
If you've got a different perspective I'm very open to that.
So please comment below and again subscribe to the channel.
Thanks.