- I'm high 'cause I have a kid.
(audience laughing)
Every second I'm not around her, I'm high as shit, so.
(audience laughing)
It's good to be back here, I'm like, oh shit,
y'all are people what's up, y'all?
(audience laughing)
Hey, y'all understand what I'm saying.
Damn, that's crazy. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
I'm around this one year old who just looks at me.
(audience laughing)
I'll be saying funny shit and she'll just look,
I'm like, damn, you don't get it. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
It is cool, it's cool to have a one year old, like she's,
you know three months where you're a little worried
'cause babies kind of suck for three months.
(audience laughing)
Hey, you got kids you know. (laughing)
You don't, but she just now.
Three months, there's three months where you're like,
I think every parent who left, you know like when dads leave
I think they left before three months.
(audience laughing)
'Cause like you get into that three month mark
and you're like she smiles and you're like,
oh I'm gonna stay, all right, cool. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
But before that you're like I kind
of get why somebody would go, this is boring.
(audience laughing)
There's not much going on, I get it
if you walk, like you know.
(audience laughing)
But I tell those dads, like if you just waited
like three months, you'd have been like,
I could be a dad still.
(audience laughing)
It's also weird 'cause I didn't have sex ed.
So I didn't know anything that was gonna happen
during pregnancy and birth.
Everything was a shock.
Cause I'm from Chicago, I went to Chicago public schools.
They didn't teach us sex ed, they didn't care.
Like I remember they went and took the girls
in another room and weighed 'em and that's.
(audience laughing)
Is that not normal?
This was fifth grade.
And they, he took them in the other room
and I came, they came back and I was like,
what they what'd you guys do in there?
We didn't do shit.
And this girl was like, oh he weighed us.
And I was like, mm, I think you should tell someone.
(audience laughing)
I really didn't know the process of having a baby at all.
I genuinely like, they told us about classes
but we had our baby during quarantine
so I can go to his classes.
So like they had him on Zoom and I didn't pay attention.
(audience laughing)
You know, you can order sandwiches
while you're going to class, it's like,
I'm not, I'm fucking this off.
But so I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there
in that class, I'm not paying attention.
My wife is not paying attention.
We're both worried about what bagels we're getting.
And then like we get to the day that the baby's about
to come out and I'm like, shit, I didn't learn anything.
I just watched, Knocked Up twice.
(audience laughing)
I And I was like that must be what it is.
I watched Knocked Up, I watched Nine Months.
I was like, that's what the baby shit is gonna be like,
you know, I'm just gonna watch those and be cool.
And one thing they lie about is there's those scenes
in those movies where they grease up the belly,
then they put a little machine
on the belly and then that's how you see the baby.
And that's not how it goes. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
At all, they told us for years, that's how it goes.
You grease up the belly, put the little thing on the belly.
So my first OB GYN trip with my wife, I'm in there
and I'm like, I don't know what the fuck this is.
I don't know what's going on.
There's all these tools that look like, you know, weird and.
(audience laughing)
They're telling me all about the women's body.
There's all these charts about women's bodies.
I had no idea about, I was like the pussy's where?
But. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
Surprised I had a kid, that's weird, wow,
I didn't know it was, it's underneath you say?
(audience laughing)
But I'm watching that and I'm looking around,
I'm just taking in the whole idea of the OB GYN
like I've never been here before, this is wild.
And then the lady comes in and she's like,
Hey, I'm the OB GYN.
I was like, Yo, what's good?
(audience laughing)
And I, she, my wife was like, he doesn't talk like that.
(audience laughing)
I was like, I'm trying to impress, relax, yo, what's good?
I've been here before, I know what's up.
And then she's just like, all right
you guys are ready to see the baby.
And we're like, this is so exciting.
I can't wait to see the baby.
And then she pulls out this 14 inch dildo.
(audience laughing)
And just holds it up in front of me and I was like
what's about to go down, like, what's happening here?
And she's like, all right, we're gonna see the baby here.
And then she like puts a condom on the dildo.
And I was like, hmm, is this what always happens?
(audience laughing)
And then she puts a bunch of lube on the dildo
and she's like, we're ready to see the baby.
And she's putting all this lube on.
And I did kind of, I kind of winked at her.
I was like, hey, you don't need all that.
You know what I'm saying, player?
(audience laughing)
How you think the baby got here doc, but. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
She's good, trust me.
So she takes all this giant lubed up dildo
and it's like, all right, let's see the baby
and just stuffs it right in my life, just like that.
And it's cool 'cause I'm seeing my baby for the first time
on the screen, so I'm like, oh this is great,
I'm seeing my baby, she looks great.
I haven't forgotten what's happening here though.
(audience laughing)
I do need help understanding why you're fucking my wife.
(audience laughing)
Right in front of me, I'm here.
(audience laughing)
You know I'm here, right, I can see this.
You're fucking her.
(audience laughing)
I didn't think I was a cook, I guess, I don't know.
(audience laughing)
Do I like, I don't know if I like this,
this is like interesting.
(audience laughing)
Like, it's a girl doing, I don't know, like.
I had pictured a threesome way differently.
(audience laughing)
Not in this office, this is like,
I'll work with this though.
(audience laughing)
So she's my wife and I'm watching my baby.
(audience laughing)
And this is the most beautiful moment
in my life and this is happening too, but.
(audience laughing)
But then I started thinking, cuz I'm like every guy
who has a baby is when their wife's pregnant,
you think about like, oh, I don't know
if I wanna have sex with my wife
cuz I don't wanna like tug my wife
and then have my baby see the dick.
(audience laughing)
It's like, I don't want my, I don't wanna go in
and then touch the baby's forehead or whatever, like.
(audience laughing)
I've talked to a lot of dads who really believe this.
And the thing is I've seen this instrument that kind
of gets there and all of us are good, like none of us.
(audience laughing)
This thing was 14 inches, it went all the way
in and kind of saw the baby, so.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, we're all good, trust me.
This thing didn't even get a good picture.
(audience laughing)
It went like two feet, I didn't know
you could go two feet in.
And it was like.
(audience laughing)
I was like, damn, she hitting all the angles, wow.
(audience laughing)
She's good.
You're coming over again, no.
And I was like, how long y'all been doing this?
(audience laughing)
This is weird.
And then that you just learn about the stomach and shit.
And it's like, wow, it gets smaller.
(audience laughing)
No class at all, I had no classes.
(audience laughing)
But that's the first lie about kids.
They tell you that you're, you know,
tell you're gonna see a baby and somebody fucks your wife.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, this is cool, I guess.
(audience laughing)
My wife are in that stage now where we do talk to text too
'cause we're both old and well, she's not old, I am old
and I act old too, so that helps.
(audience laughing)
I act older than I am, but I have fun with it. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
That's why I'm able to wear short sets.
(audience laughing)
Like 65 year old grandfathers showing up
to picnics, like yeah.
(audience laughing)
What's up young player?
(audience laughing)
Recently, I've been saying young blood, so that helps.
(audience laughing)
With my age thing.
But yeah, we talk to text now and she talks
to texts from the other room.
(audience laughing)
And it's just weird 'cause I'll hear her go,
Can you bring me diapers?
And then I'll get a text like one second later
like, why'd you do this?
Yes I will, I guess, I don't know, like.
(audience laughing)
Why'd you text me?
I found out I was Chinese during the pandemic too.
(audience laughing)
It sounds weird, but I'm Chinese and I didn't know.
(audience laughing)
I mean, I kind of knew, like we did ancestry.com
and it came back like you're Chinese.
It doesn't just say that, but like there's other stuff.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
That'd be the best ancestry.com ever.
Like, hey, you're Chinese, dog.
(audience laughing)
It's like, damn, this whole time, I didn't know.
(audience laughing)
But all the results came back and it was like,
you're like 20% Chinese.
And I was like, wow, that's crazy.
So I've been using that a lot.
(audience laughing)
Like I was in an Uber and this guy was like, yeah
I'm just trying to get my citizenship, man.
I got here, I got the test on Monday, I think I'm ready.
And I was like, oh that's cool, man.
My, my great-grandfather had
to like get his citizenship, too.
(audience laughing)
You know.
He came here from China.
(audience laughing)
And he was like, oh, damn, I didn't know
they had black people in China.
I was like, nah, he was Chinese.
(audience laughing)
He was like, oh, but they got like Africans in China too.
I was like, they might.
But he was Chinese.
(audience laughing)
And he came over here and had babies
and then I'm here later.
(audience laughing)
It's weird also, 'cause the only reference point I had was
like old pictures I would see and you'd see a picture
and I would just look at it and I'd be like, Hey grandma,
he's Chinese and black grandmas will not admit anything.
They're, so she just looked at me and went, we black.
(audience laughing)
And I was like, I know, I'm aware we're black.
But this guy is Chinese.
(audience laughing)
I'm looking at him, that's a Chinese guy, for sure.
(audience laughing)
She's like, no, we black.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get that, but like.
(audience laughing)
I'm looking at these pictures, man, like.
(audience laughing)
Are you guys fuck with me?
I see Chinese people in these pictures.
(audience laughing)
And then finally I found out and I was like,
oh okay, we are Chinese, okay.
So those guys were Chinese and I can't get a straight answer
from anybody over 65, they're like, no, we black.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, you keep saying that.
(audience laughing)
Like when he's check, she's like, no
they got black people in China.
I'm like, why does everyone keep saying that?
(audience laughing)
They might, I'm on Comedy Central Asia a lot too.
And that came up like literally if you check
I get tagged in the Comedy Central Asia post.
Some of the people who work here must know. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
But I get, I've been tagged a lot in the last year
and I'm like, do they know? (laughing)
(audience laughing)
Like who told them, I didn't tell them.
(audience laughing)
I saw Cats over the pandemic too.
And I'll leave with this.
I thought it was gonna be good, I will say.
You guys have seen Cats like,
there's New York One commercials every day for Cats.
And so I had this idea like, oh
if we go see Cats before you know,
the end of 2019, let's go see it, it's gonna be great.
And I'm sitting down in the theater, I'm like,
I'm just realizing I don't like cats as pets.
So this might not go great for me.
And I'm watching it and I'm like, okay, let's just see.
So I smoked a blunt, like ate two edibles
and I was like, this could be good.
(audience laughing)
And then this cat comes out and it sings and dances, right?
And then it goes back inside
and I was like, ooh, I hate this.
(audience laughing)
Didn't know this was gonna happen.
Then this other cat comes out and it sings and dances.
And then it goes back inside and I was like, strike two.
(audience laughing)
And then this third cat comes out
and it sings and dance, goes back inside.
And then that happened like 65 more times.
(audience laughing)
Over this five hour span, just these cats coming out
and me hating it and the lady next to me was crying.
And I was like, are you crying?
'Cause this has no fucking plot, like what?
(audience laughing)
Why aren't they interacting?
Talk to each other.
Why are there cats in the aisle now?
I hate cats, like get them away from me.
And I realized my issue with the whole thing overall,
like I sat through the whole five hours
and hated every second of it, and I realized what I hate.
And I know I like things written by people who smoke weed
and that's like almost everything I've ever seen.
It's things I've written on, like kid shows and you're like.
(audience laughing)
Which makes sense if you really think about it
and it's like, yeah, okay, these things I get like, you know
you're written by somebody who smokes weed, I smoked weed,
we relate, but Cats was written
by people who are clearly on cocaine.
(audience laughing)
And I think that's the issue.
I don't do cocaine that much, so like.
(audience laughing)
Nah, I'm kidding, I don't do it at all.
I don't like it, it's too upper, I'm very low key.
Doesn't make any sense for me.
And I don't like, like cocaine shit.
So like I realize, you know, you can tell it's written
by somebody on cocaine 'cause it's about cats.
(audience laughing)
Every coke addict I know has a cat.
(audience laughing)
I don't know why that's the case, but that's the case.
And also it's a playful of 65 introductions
and that's very cocaine behavior.
(audience laughing)
We've all been to that party like, Hey man,
I met you, it's all good, don't.
(audience laughing)
You're good, I, no, I know you, yeah, that's your name?
Cool, I'm gonna go over here, yeah.
(audience cheering)
You put a bow tie on, you're still the same guy, I know.
(audience laughing)
Mephistopheles or whatever.
All right, you guys have been great.