>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
THERE YOU GO.
JON, HAPPY FRIDAY.
>> Jon: HAPPY FRIDAY.
>> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY TO YOU.
>> Jon: HAPPY FRIDAY.
>> Stephen: THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THE FRIDAY FEELING IN THE
AIR.
YOU NEED THIS WEEK.
>> Jon: OH, MAN.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE SOME HAPPY GUESTS TONIGHT.
WE HAVE THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE AMERICAN TREASURE, SAM WATERSTON
IS HERE TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THE EYEBROWS.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, THE EYEBROWS.
>> Stephen: WITH HIS EYEBROWS.
AND STAR OF THE NEW CBS MEDICAL DRAMA "GOOD SAM," SOPHIA BUSH IS
GOING TO BE OUT HERE TONIGHT, TOO.
LOVELY YOUNG LADY, VERY TALENTED.
MET HER AT THE EMMYS, VERY NICE.
WHILE THE SITUATION IN UKRAINE IS VERY DIRE, I HAVE FOUND IN
ALL MY YEARS OF BROADCASTING, THAT AS A COUNTERPOINT TO
DEPRESSING THINGS, PUPPIES ARE ADORABLE.
( APPLAUSE ) IN FACT, PUPPIES ARE SO
ADORABLE, THAT WE CREATED A WHOLE SEGMENT CALLED "RESCUE DOG
RESCUE," WHERE WE HELP FIND HOMES FOR REAL RESCUE PUPPIES.
AND I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR, WE HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF
EVERY SINGLE DOG WE'VE FEATURED GETTING ADOPTED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
COME ON, A LITTLE GOOD NEWS.
THAT'S WHAT WE PROVIDE HERE!
WHICH IS WHY I'M SO EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER
EDITION OF "RESCUE DOG RESCUE!" ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME TO "RESCUE DOG RESCUE."
HERE'S HOW SHE WORKS: WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW YOU SOME ADORABLE
PUPPIES THAT ARE ACTUALLY UP FOR ADOPTION THROUGH "NORTH
SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA."
AND TO MAKE SURE THESE DOGS FIND A HOME, WE HAVE MADE UP
FLATTERING LIES ABOUT EACH OF THEM TO MAKE YOU WANT TO ADOPT
THEM EVEN MORE.
NOW, IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME CELEBRITY WILLING TO TAKE ON THE
CHALLENGE OF FINDING THESE DOGS FOOD AND SHELTER.
>> HELLO STEPHEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JOHN OLIVER!
IT'S-- LOOK AT THAT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DO I --
>> Stephen: YES, JOHN?
>> DO I COUNT AS A CELEBRITY?
>> Stephen: IS ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE?
>> IT'S A LEGITIMATE QUESTION, AND THE ANSWER'S NO.
>> Stephen: THEN, YES, YOU'RE A CELEBRITY.
JOHN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP ME LIE ABOUT SOME DOGS?
>> YOU MEAN LIKE THAT TIME I HELPED YOU LIE ABOUT WHAT
HAPPENED TO THAT DRIFTER IN TAMPA?
>> Stephen: WHAT DRIFTER?
>> THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
>> Stephen: OKAY!
TIME TO MEET SOME PUPPIES.
FIRST UP, SAY HELLO TO CHI CHI.
CHI CHI HAS BEEN SPECIALLY BRED TO BE ABLE TO SMELL THE EXACT
MOMENT THAT HOT PIZZA BECOMES EDIBLE.
ADOPT CHI CHI, AND YOU'LL NEVER BURN THE ROOF OF YOUR
MOUTH AGAIN.
( APPLAUSE ) >> THIS, THIS RIGHT HERE-- COME
ON, BUDDY.
THIS RIGHT HERE, THIS IS LEON.
LEON HAS THE ABILITY TO SENSE EXACTLY WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO GO
TO THE GYM, AND AT THAT MOMENT LOOKS SUPER SAD SO YOU HAVE TO
STAY AND SNUGGLE WITH HIM.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT YOU DIDN'T DO YOUR CARDIO.
WHAT WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?
LOOK AT LEON'S EYES!
LOOK AT THEM!
LEON, THE CAMERA IS THERE.
>> Stephen: THIS HERE-- >> STRAIGHT DOWN THE LENS.
>> Stephen: THIS IS LIL' SAMMIE.
COME HERE, SAMMIE.
HEY, BUDDY.
LIL' SAMMIE'S UNCLE CAN GET YOU A GREAT DISCOUNT ON A PREMIUM
FLATSCREEN.
JUST TELL BIG SAMMIE LIL' SAMMIE SENT YOU.
DON'T ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS.
( APPLAUSE ) >> OKAY, THIS IS-- IT'S ALL
RIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THIS RIGHT HERE, THIS IS CAPTAIN.
NOW, WILL CAPTAIN WATCH YOU HAVE SEX?
HONESTLY, YES, BUT NOT FROM AN ANGLE WHERE YOU CAN SEE HIM.
AND HE GIVES VERY CONSTRUCTIVE NOTES AFTERWARDS.
SO THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S NICE.
>> THERE WE GO!
>> Stephen: THIS IS RUTHIE.
RUTHIE HERE INVENTED THE KISS CAM THEY PUT ON SCREEN AT
SPORTING EVENTS.
AND SHE GETS A CHECK EVERY TIME THEY USE IT.
SO ADOPT HER, AND ALL THAT MONEY COULD SOON BE YOURS.
AND, UH-OH!
IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
>> NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO!
>> Stephen: HERE WE GO!
>> THERE YOU GO!
>> Stephen: I THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE-- I THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE
TURNED ON PEE CAM JUST THEN.
>> I NEVER FELT MORE LIKE PATRICK WILSON.
>> THIS IS SPRINKLES.
HE IS NOT JUST A DOG.
HE IS ALSO AN N.F.T.
NOW, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
ADOPT HIM, AND YOU'RE PROBABLY A BILLIONAIRE!
PLUS, WHEN THE MARKET INEVITABLY CRASHES AND EVERY OTHER N.F.T.
INVESTOR'S LIFE IS TOTALLY RUINED, YOU STILL HAVE
SPRINKLES!
WHOSE CUTENESS CARRIES INTRINSIC VALUE NOT BASED ON MANUFACTURING
SCARCITY IN A VOLATILE MARKET?
YOURS DOES!
YOUR DOES, SPRINKLES.
YES, IT DOES!
YES,s IT DOES!
>> Stephen: SAY HELLO TO WALDO.
LOOK THERE.
WALDO HERE LOVES LITERATURE.
IN FACT, HE JUST DEVOURED THE COMPLETE WORKS OF FAULKNER, AND
HE'LL POOP IT OUT ANY DAY NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> IT'S OKAY.
OKAY.
THIS IS-- THIS IS-- YOU'RE RIGHT, IT'S MARVIN.
MARVIN IS THE WORLD'S WEALTHIEST DOG.
IN FACT, MARVIN BUILT A SPACE ROCKET WAY BEFORE ELON MUSK AND
JEFF BEZOS, AND HIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A PENIS.
WELL, NOT A HUMAN ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THIS IS MILES.
MILES IS A HIGH-POWERED EXECUTIVE AT HBO.
ADOPT MILES, AND YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO HEAR ALL THE NETWORK'S
SHOW'S EXCITING PLOT LINES BEFORE THEY HAPPEN.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHICH BELOVED LEAD CHARACTER GETS KILLED OFF
THIS SEASON!
>> OH, OH, OH, IS IT KENDALL FROM "SUCCESSION"?!
>> Stephen: NO SPOILERS, JOHN.
LET'S JUST SAY IT WILL BE SOMEBODY'S LAST WEEK TONIGHT.
>> OH, OH, OH, I GET IT!
I GET IT STEPHEN IS IT RUE FROM "EUPHORIA"?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YEAH, IT'S HER.
>> GOOD PICK.
DOES IT FOR "RESCUE DOG RESCUE"!
HEAD TO "THE LATE SHOW'S" WEBSITE:
Colbertlateshow.com FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM
NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
IT'S JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
♪ ♪ ♪