WELCOME. WELCOME MORNING ALL TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SPRING DAY HERE IN NEW YORK.
BIRDS ARE TAKING TO THE SKY, BUNNIES ARE TAKING TO THE FIELD,
FOX GOT TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
'CAUSE YESTERDAY, FOX NEWS SETTLED DOMINION'S
DEFAMATION LAWSUIT FOR $787.5 MILLION.
THIS IS A HUGE HIT TO FOX'S BOTTOM LINE,
ALTHOUGH IT'S NOT CLEAR IF INSURANCE WILL
COVER SOME OF FOX'S LIABILITY. OF COURSE, FOX HAS TO HAVE
LIABILITY INSURANCE TO INSURE THEIR ABILITY TO LIE.
ALTHOUGH, ALTHOUGH... [APPLAUSE]
I DON'T KNOW WHO WOULD INSURE THEM.
MAYBE FRAUDERS. "WE ARE FRAUDERS,
INSURING FOX WAS DUMB, DUMB, DUMB!"
THIS MASSIVE SETTLEMENT WAS THE NUMBER ONE STORY
ON EVERY SINGLE CABLE NEWS NETWORK EXCEPT ONE.
TAKE A GUESS. IN FACT, WHEN THE SETTLEMENT
WAS REACHED, FOX NEWS COULDN'T EVEN BRING THEMSELVES TO
TELL THEIR VIEWERS HOW MUCH THEY FORKED OVER TO DOMINION.
THE CLOSEST THEY CAME WAS A STATEMENT FROM FOX NEWS
HOST AND TAXIDERMIED CORPSE OF HOWIE KURTZ,
HOWIE KURTZ. HOWARD, TELL THEM HOW MUCH
DOMINION WON. >> A DOMINION LAWYER GAVE
REPORTERS A DOLLAR FIGURE FOR THE SETTLEMENT, BUT I
HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO INDEPENDENTLY CONFIRM THAT.
>> Stephen: TWO HOURS AFTER THE SETTLEMENT WAS ANNOUNCED
HE CAN'T CONFIRM HOW MUCH FOX NEWS PAID?
IF ONLY THIS FOX NEWS ANCHOR HAD SOME SOURCE AT FOX NEWS!
THIS MIGHT NOT EVEN BE THE END OF THE CASH PARTY FOR DOMINION.
THEY'RE ALSO SUING CONSERVATIVE NETWORKS OANN AND NEWSMAX,
CONSPIRACY LAWYER SIDNEY POWELL, AND MY PILLOW CEO MIKE LINDELL,
FOR $1.3 BILLION. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I DON'T THINK LINDELL HAS THAT KIND OF CASH ON HAND.
HE'S GONNA TO HAVE TO CHANGE HIS NAME AND FLEE TO MEXICO TO START
"MI PILLOW." "HOLA, MY NAME IS MIGUEL PILLOW,
THIS IS MY BRIDE, MARIA MEMORY FOAM."
BURRITO, TACO, EXTRA GUAC.
♪ ♪ DOMINION ALSO HAS A DEFAMATION
CASE AGAINST RUDY GIULIANI, ALSO FOR $1.3 BILLION.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THAT'S A LOT, MAN.
THEY'RE SUING RUDY FOR EVERYTHING HE'S GOT!
WHICH AT THIS POINT, IS A STOLEN CVS SHOPPING CART FULL OF EMPTY
MERLOT BOTTLES AND A JAR FULL OF SPARE TEETH.
FOX NEWS ISN'T EVEN OFF THE HOOK YET, EITHER.
THEY'RE ALSO BEING SUED FOR ALL THEIR ELECTION LIES FOR
$2.7 BILLION, BY A VOTING MACHINE COMPANY CALLED
SMARTMATIC. AND WE ALREADY KNOW FOX IS
AFRAID OF THIS ONE. FOR PROOF, LOOK AT FORMER
FOX HOST AND WAX SCULPTURE OF WILLIAM SHATNER LEFT NEXT TO
AN OPEN FLAME, LOU DOBBS. LOU DOBBS IS NAMED
AS A DEFENDANT IN THIS ONE AND JUST ONE DAY AFTER THE
SMARTMATIC SUIT WAS FILED, FOX BUSINESS CANCELED
LOU DOBBS'S SHOW. IT WAS A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT
FOR HIS AUDIENCE: A CAGE FULL OF PARAKEETS
IN THE DAY ROOM. BUT FOX IS TRYING TO MAKE SOME
MONEY BACK, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALSO A PLAINTIFF IN AN ELECTION
LAWSUIT ON BEHALF OF FOX CEO LACHLAN MURDOCH, SEEN HERE
ASKING RUPERT "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY NEW STEPMOMMY?"
LACHLAN IS SUING AN AUSTRALIAN WEBSITE FOR IMPLYING HE WAS
A CONSPIRATOR IN THE JANUARY 6TH INSURRECTION.
THE ACTUAL NAME OF THAT WEBSITE:
CRIKEY NEWS! NOW, AND IF THEY LOSE, IT'LL BE
GOOD FOR ITS MAIN COMPETITOR DIDGERI-NEWS.
"TONIGHT'S TOP STORY: [DIDGERIDOO MUSIC]
ALL THAT, AND DEADLY SPIDERS IN YOUR SHOWER."
SO... WE DON'T BROADCAST THERE,
DO WE? FOX NEWS IS OUT A WHOLE LOT
OF MONEY, BUT THEY'RE NOT TELLING THEIR VIEWERS THAT.
AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO, BECAUSE THIS SETTLEMENT DOES NOT
FORCE THEM TO OWN UP TO THE DAMAGE THEY DID TO OUR COUNTRY
OR APOLOGIZE ON THEIR NETWORK. SO...
>> [BOOING] >> Stephen: WE FEEL
THE SAME WAY. SO WE'VE DECIDED TO MAKE THEM
APOLOGIZE ON OUR NETWORK. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
JIM? >> BEFORE WE GO TONIGHT,
WE WANT TO SAY -- >> WE'RE SORRY --
>> TO DOMINION -- >> AND TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
>> WE HERE AT FOX NEWS -- >> LIED TO YOU ABOUT --
>> THE 2020 ELECTION -- >> REPEATEDLY AND CONSISTENTLY.
>> WE ADMT THAT WE ARE GUILTY --
>> OF AMPLIFYING THOSE VOICES. >> INSANE PEOPLE LIKE THIS GUY.
>> HELLO, I'M MIKE LINDELL. >> A GUY LIKE THIS IS GIVEN
A PLATFORM -- >> BECAUSE WE WANT TO
MAKE SURE -- >> WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING
FOX NEWS -- >> IT WILL MAKE YOU DUMBER.
>> MY ORIGINAL MY SLIPPERS ARE BACK IN STOCK.
>> PLEASE -- >> TAKE US OFF --
>> TELEVISION BEFORE WE -- >> ALLOW THESE CROOKS --
>> TO TURN OUR COUNTRY INTO -- >> DUMPS, BIG MASSIVE DUMPS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: WELL...
WE'VE DONE OUR PART NOW. WHILE FOX NEWS IS COUGHING UP
CASH FOR SPREADING LIES, THE GUY THEY WERE LYING FOR
IS BUSY SCAMMING CASH OUT OF THE PEOPLE THEY
WERE LYING TO. 'CAUSE YESTERDAY, HE MADE THIS
ANNOUNCEMENT. >> HELLO AGAIN.
THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP WITH SOME NEWS YOU
ARE GOING TO REALLY LOVE. A FEW MONTHS AGO WE
ALMOST BROKE THE INTERNET WHEN I ANNOUNCED MY TRUMP DIGITAL
TRADING CARDS. WELL, I'VE GOT SOME
FANTASTIC NEWS FOR YOU. MY TRUMP DIGITAL TRADING CARDS
ARE BACK WITH A BANG. >> Stephen: HIS DIGITAL
TRADING CARDS ARE BACK
WITH A BANG? LESS NATURAL THAN THE MASHUP
WE JUST DID. THESE CARDS ARE NFTs, WHICH
DIGITAL FINANCE EXPERTS DEFINE AS "A SCAM WE ALL STOPPED
FALLING FOR 8 MONTHS AGO." AND THE FIRST BATCH FEATURED
THE EX-PRESIDENT AS WEARING RACE CAR PAJAMAS,
AS A BAD BOY ASTRONAUT WITH ROBO-BELT AND MAKING STOCKS
GO UP WITH THE INSPIRING HAT MESSAGE.
DOW. THE NEW BATCH OF CARDS HAS SOME
REAL AVANT GARDE WORK. LIKE HIM STEALING
THE LIBERTY BELL, AND THIS ONE WHERE HE'S WITH A LION THAT IS
ON FIRE THAT IS PAWING AT THE EARTH, WHICH IS ALSO
FLOATING IN THE CLOUDY SKY OF EARTH, IN FRONT OF THE BEAUTIFUL
CONSTELLATION OF "45 RUUUU!" THAT ONE, OF COURSE, BROUGHT TO
YOU BY KYLE WHO TOOK SOME MUSHROOMS AND STARTED
PLAYIN' AROUND WITH HIS A.I. ARTBOT.
KYLE! MUSHROOMS, I DON'T KNOW.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! HERE HE IS REENACTING THAT
FAMOUS MOMENT WHEN WASHINGTON LOOKED INTO THE DRESSING ROOMS
OF THE MISS TEEN USA PAGEANT. EACH OF THESE BEAUTIFUL,
COLLECTIBLE EMBARRASSMENTS COULD BE YOURS FOR ONLY $99.
IF THEY WEREN'T ALREADY SOLD OUT.
HONESTLY, I'M HAPPY FOR ALL THOSE MAGA SENIORS WHO WERE ABLE
TO PURCHASE THESE AFTER GETTING THEIR GRANDKIDS ON THE PHONE
TO HELP THEM "DO A COMPUTER." AS FOR MY FAVORITE,
I CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN SCREAMING WHILE PLAYING GUITAR
AND SCREAMING WHILE PLAYING GUITAR ON A HARLEY.
IT'S GONNA BE HARD TO TOP THAT ON THE NEXT BATCH.
I'M THINKIN' PLAYING GUITAR ON A MOTORCYCLE, ON A BOAT,
HANGIN' FROM A HELICOPTER, PILOTED BY A LAVA GORILLA
IN SPACE! $98.
BACK DOWN ON EARTH, THERE'S SOME NEWS FROM IOWA.
AND IT'S NOT GOOD. YESTERDAY, THEIR STATE SENATE
PASSED A BILL LOOSENING CHILD LABOR LAWS.
YEAH, KIDS HAVE HAD IT EASY FOR TOO LONG.
THEY'RE SO SPOILED THESE DAYS WITH THEIR iPHONES AND THEIR
PS5s AND ALL TEN OF THEIR FINGERS.
IF YOU HADN'T HEARD ABOUT THIS BILL, IT'S BECAUSE IT WAS PASSED
TUESDAY MORNING AT 4:52 A.M. NEVER A GREAT SIGN.
THE ONLY THINGS ANYONE SHOULD BE DOING AT 4:52 A.M.
IS PARTYING BECAUSE YOU'RE YOUNG OR PEEING BECAUSE
YOU'RE NOT. [APPLAUSE]
SURE. SWOLLEN PROSTATE!
NOW, IF PASSED BY THE HOUSE, THIS BILL WILL ALLOW
14-YEAR-OLDS TO WORK SIX-HOUR NIGHT SHIFTS.
THAT'S GONNA LEAD TO SOME BRAND NEW HOMEWORK EXCUSES.
"I'M SORRY, MRS. LARSEN. MY DIORAMA OF TREASURE ISLAND
GOT CAUGHT IN THE HOG MANGLER."
THIS BILL ALSO ALLOWS 15-YEAR-OLDS TO WORK ON
ASSEMBLY LINES MOVING ITEMS UP TO 50 POUNDS.
AND OLDER TEENS GET THE JOBS THAT ARE EVEN MORE FUN.
BECAUSE THIS BILL ALLOWS 16- AND 17-YEAR-OLDS TO SERVE
ALCOHOL. COME ON.
HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO POUR YOUR HEART OUT TO A 16-YEAR-OLD
BARTENDER? "HAD A FIGHT WITH THE MISSUS?
I HEAR YA. I HAD A BIG ARGUMENT
WITH TYLER TODAY OVER WHO WOULD WIN, AN ORC THIEF
OR A HALF-ELF MAGIC USER. ANYWAY, CAN I HAVE YOUR COCKTAIL
UMBRELLA? I NEED TO REDO MY DIORAMA OF
TREASURE ISLAND." GOT CAUGHT IN THE HOG MANGLER.
TODAY'S SPECIAL IS MANGLED HOG. IN ACROSS THE POND NEWS,
WE'RE JUST A FEW WEEKS AWAY FROM THE CORONATION OF
KING CHARLES, SEEN HERE LEARNING THE INGREDIENTS OF
BLOOD PUDDING. "CHARLES WILL OFFICIALLY BE
CROWNED KING ON MAY 6TH" IS A SENTENCE I AM SOMEHOW STILL
SAYING IN 2023. AND WE'RE STARTING TO GET
DETAILS ABOUT THE CELEBRATION. BUCKINGHAM PALACE RECENTLY
ANNOUNCED THE OFFICIAL RECIPE OF THE WEEKEND IS
CORONATION QUICHE, ALONG WITH COOKING INSTRUCTIONS.
I'M TOLD WE HAVE A COPY OF CHARLES' QUICHE RECIPE.
STEP ONE: TELL YOUR VALET YOU WANT QUICHE.
STEP TWO: QUICHE APPEARS. NOT ALL OF THE PREPARATIONS
ARE GOING AS SMOOTHLY. THE PALACE HAS REPORTEDLY HAD
A VERY HARD TIME FINDING ANY MUSICIANS TO PERFORM.
THEY'VE BEEN TURNED DOWN BY HARRY STYLES, ELTON JOHN,
THE SPICE GIRLS, ADELE, AND ED SHEERAN.
YOUR HIGHNESS, HEAR ME OUT, JUST HIRE A D.J.
MY COUSIN RICKY HAS AN iPOD, AND A CONNECTION TO SOME MOLLY.
IF THERE'S A BLUETOOTH HOOKUP AT WESTMINSTER,
YOU AND CAMILLA ARE GONNA BE DOING THE CHICKEN DANCE
IN THE AISLES. BUT THEY HAVE FINALLY FOUND
SOMEONE TO SING FOR OL' KING CHUCKY BECAUSE WE NOW KNOW
THAT KATY PERRY AND LIONEL RICHIE WILL PERFORM AT
KING CHARLES'S CORONATION CONCERT.
AH, YES, THOSE FAMOUS ICONS OF BRITISH MUSIC,
KATY PERRY AND LIONEL RICHIE. YOU KNOW THEIR SONGS "'ELLO"
AND "I SNOGGED A LASS, AND IT WAS ALL RIGHT, INNIT?"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE ELIZABETH OLSEN AND COMEDIAN JENA FRIEDMAN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE LATEST TECH TRENDS.