- Hey Philip, never bring a rubber gun to a shootout.
It doesn't have real bullets. Common sense, man.
Nice, Tim. I haven't heard a man scream like that
since me, this morning, I had a hang nail.
What? You went through all that and
now you want to do it to your brother?
Mariya, you're evil. I like it.
You know what's scarier than a nine year old ghost?
A nine year old crack dealer, real talk.
That's right Darien.
If there's one thing Scare Tactics can teach you
it's don't trust your best friend.
Very funny Judah, but you better not pull that crap on me.
I'll beat your ass.
Just so you know, Michelle,
if you did shit your pants on Scare Tactics,
you wouldn't be the first.
I just did it myself.
All right, Katherine.
All you have to do to find this missing person
is move towards the light.
Rebecca is about to learn the reason they're called stakeouts
is because there are crazy vampires around.
You should have a wooden stake,
You know, for vampire killing.
Calm down Rebecca,
just because someone's trying to drink all your blood
doesn't make them a bad person.
Hey Sanaa, you really want to do it again?
Look behind you.
Just kidding.
Hey, Brad.
I spoke to the werewolf and he said
he's hugged weirder things too.
See, parents, if you want to show your kids you love them
put them on Scare Tactics.
Why are you running, Dylan?
You could have made some serious cheese off that kidney.
Caution: aliens in the rear view mirror
are closer than they appear.
What's wrong, Brittany?
Do you always run when someone tries to amputate your limbs
against your will?
Charlie, I figured out why you're so angry.
You're seeing Red.
Dang, Boris.
You were really going to pop that guy?
Your prints are hardcore.
Guess what?
That book is actually this month's pick
for Oprah's book club.
At least that's what Dr. Laura told me.
Hey Connie, you know what's not news?
I think you peed your pants.
That kid Alex is 19 and still plays with a doll?
Unless you can inflate it that's just plain sick.
That mummy is always joking around at my family reunions.
But his potato salad?
Mmm. That's no joke.
Yes Vikash, Scare Tactics is good.
Spread the word.
Hey Kaia. If you tried to steal my role,
I'd do the same thing,
but without all the violence. Maybe.
Rama, didn't your mama ever tell you that
it's rude to the jump out of a window
when you've been invited to a meal?
Kayla, give us a call if you want to take another stab
at breaking someone.
For the record, dude didn't kick open the door.
He kicked open a wall. True story.
Yay indeed, Giancarlo.
Isn't it fun not to die?
A foot closer to that pentagram
and Kristie would have been barbecue. Delicious.
This pill is meant to increase the size of a man's unit.
And guess what, Gil?
It works very well.
Maybe a little too well.
Exploding penises? What the-
I ain't down with exploding penises.
Man, somebody's got to teach those zombies
how to cook ribs.
I actually own a mind eraser of my own.
It's called ABC's The View.
Don't tell the government.
Hey Abriella,
it's nice to see your love hate relationship with Kitty
is alive and well.
Can you believe Bradley told Charles not to touch him?
I thought there was a love connection there.
Hey, we're just trying to feed starving people
around the world though, Odain.
Why you gotta be so selfish?
There's something else that can easily
turn you into a monster.
You know what it's called? Tequila.
No animals were harmed during the filming of that episode,
but we did accidentally kill an actor.
Remember the Surgeon General's warning, Omar.
Use of Scare Tactics severely increases your
chance of seeing some crazy shit.
After messing with him like that
I think Dennis' parents better sleep in shifts.
That was Axel's birthday present from his friend?
Not getting killed by a swarm of bees?
Guess it's the thought that counts.
Now was that a sexy actress playing a robot
or a sexy robot playing an actress?
Trust me. You never can tell.
That birthday party sucked.
No cake, and the one present almost killed everybody.
We have a strict policy against killing people.
So you have to stick with your 9.5.
That's it for now.