THANKS, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I HAVE TO SAY--
TONIGHT, I AM IN AN EXCELLENT FRAME OF MIND,
BECAUSE IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS-- HELL YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS: TIME TO SLIP ON THE SPEEDO AND
DIVE HEADFIRST INTO THE JANUARY 6th HEARINGS.
BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, THE COMMITTEE HELD THE FOURTH
INSTALLMENT IN A GREAT SUMMER BEACH READ I'M CALLING "SCARY
PLOTTER AND THE GOBLET OF LIARS."
( LAUGHTER )
LONGEST DAY OF THE YEAR, AND I'M SURE IT FELT LIKE IT FOR THE
FORMER PRESIDENT DUMB QUIXOTE, BECAUSE TODAY, THE COMMITTEE
LAID OUT IN SHOCKING DETAIL HOW HIS RELENTLESS AND ILLEGAL
SCHEME TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION BROUGHT HARROWING CONSEQUENCES
FOR THOSE HONEST PUBLIC SERVANTS WHO STOOD UP TO THE PRESSURE TO
SUPPORT HIS HEINOUS LIES.
IN HER OPENING STATEMENT, COMMITTEE VICE CHAIR LIZ CHENEY
HAD A WARNING FOR OUR NATION.
>> I WOULD URGE ALL OF THOSE WATCHING TODAY TO FOCUS ON THE
EVIDENCE THE COMMITTEE WILL PRESENT.
DON'T BE DISTRACTED BY POLITICS.
THIS IS SERIOUS.
WE CANNOT LET AMERICA BECOME A NATION OF CONSPIRACY THEORIES
AND THUG VIOLENCE.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE, BECAUSE IF WE DO, THE REPTILIANS WHO RUN
THE NEW WORLD ORDER WILL STEAL OUR SPINES TO USE AS RADIO
TOWERS TO BROADCAST OUR LOCATION TO BILL GATES!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, FIRST UP, WE HEARD TESTIMONY FROM ARIZONA SPEAKER
OF THE HOUSE AND WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU LEAVE YOUR BOWERS OUT IN THE
RAIN--
RUSTY BOWERS.
BOWERS, LIFE-LONG REPUBLICAN, TESTIFIED THAT HE FACED MASSIVE
PRESSURE FROM RUDY GIULIANI AND OTHER LACKEYS, DEMANDING THAT HE
FLIP THE STATE WHICH HE KNEW HAD NO RIGHT TO DO.
AND HERE'S WHY THEY THOUGHT BOWERS SHOULD COOPERATE.
>> HE WOULD SAY, "AREN'T WE ALL REPUBLICANS HERE?
I WOULD THINK WE WOULD GET A BETTER RECEPTION.
I MEAN, I WOULD THINK YOU WOULD LISTEN A LITTLE MORE OPEN TO MY
SUGGESTION THAT WE ARE ALL REPUBLICANS."
>> Stephen: OKAY, OVERTURNING AN ELECTION IS ASKING FOR SOME
SERIOUS BRAND LOYALTY: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON'T BURN
DOWN MY HOUSE FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY?
WE BOTH DRINK DIET PEPSI!"
THE FORMER-- ARE THEY SPONSORS?
I DON'T KNOW.
WE'LL FIND OUT.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND THE FORMER RUDY GIULIANI PROMISED
BOWERS THAT THEY WOULD EVENTUALLY GET HIM PROOF OF THIS
SUPPOSED VOTER FRAUD THEY KEPT TALKING ABOUT, BUT THEY NEVER
DID.
THEN BOWERS GAVE THIS REVEALING QUOTE FROM RUDY:
>> MY RECOLLECTION, HE SAID, "WE'VE GOT LOTS OF THEORIES.
WE JUST DON'T HAVE THE EVIDENCE."
AND I DON'T KNOW IF THAT WAS A GAFFE, OR MAYBE HE DIDN'T THINK
THROUGH WHAT HE SAID, BUT BOTH MYSELF AND OTHERS IN MY GROUP,
THE THREE IN MY GROUP AND MY COUNSEL, BOTH REMEMBERED THAT
SPECIFICALLY AND AFTERWARDS, WE KIND OF LAUGHED ABOUT IT.
( LAUGHTER )
LAUGH.
RUDY'S GOT A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR!
( AS RUDY )
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA!"
( APPLAUSE )
WHAT WAS I...?
( APPLAUSE )
HIM SOME REAL SOUL SEARCHING, AND TODAY, HE READ AN EMOTIONAL
JOURNAL ENTRY FROM THE TIME.
>> I DO NOT TAKE THIS CURRENT SITUATION IN A LIGHT MANNER, A
FEARFUL MANNER, OR A VENGEFUL MANNER.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE A WINNER BY CHEATING.
I WILL NOT PLAY WITH LAWS I SWORE ALLEGIANCE TO WITH ANY
CONTRIVED DESIRE TOWARDS DEFLECTION OF MY DEEP
FOUNDATIONAL DESIRE TO FOLLOW GOD'S WILL, AS I BELIEVE HE LED
MY CONSCIENCE TO EMBRACE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
IN A MOMENT OF DARKNESS, DRAWING STRENGTH FROM A DEEP WELL OF
CONSCIENCE, AND FORTITUDE, AND FAITH.
THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.
AND INSPIRED BY THAT, I WROTE A PRETTY GOOD ONE TODAY TOO:
"DEAR DIARY, TODAY WAS THE HEARINGS.
THEY MADE ME SAD, SO I ATE A SNACK.
IT WAS PEANUT BUTTER ON A DONUT.
PRETTY GOOD!
STILL SAD, THOUGH.
LOVE, STEVE"
( APPLAUSE )
NEVER TRIED THAT.
NEVER TRIED THAT BEFORE.
THEN WE GOT TO HEAR FROM GEORGIA SECRETARY OF STATE AND MAN BEING
HELD HOSTAGE BY TWO FLAGS, BRAD RAFFENSPERGER.
YOU MAY RECALL THAT ON JANUARY 2, 2021, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT HELD AN HOUR-LONG CALL WITH RAFFENSPERGER, WHERE HE
BLUNTLY REQUESTED SOME ELECTION SKULLDUGGERY.
>> SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO HERE, FOLKS?
I ONLY NEED 11,000 VOTES.
FELLAS, I NEED 11,000 VOTES.
GIVE ME A BREAK.
>> Stephen: THAT IS JUST PATHETIC.
HE'S LITERALLY BEGGING THEM TO INVENT VOTES FOR HIM.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING AN OLD MAN TRY TO MOOCH AN EXTRA PANCAKE AT
DENNY'S: "WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, FOLKS.
I ONLY NEED ONE MORE PANCAKE, FELLAS.
JUST FLAP THAT JACK ON THERE.
GIVE ME A BREAK.
AND THE STATE OF GEORGIA."
THE COMMITTEE--
THIS IS RUDY TOOTY, RICH AND FRAUDULENT.
I KNOW THAT'S I-HOP.
MOON'S OVER MIAMI.
THE COMMITTEE-- MAN'S EATING AT A DENNY'S RIGHT THERE.
THE COMMITTEE ALSO HAD TEXT MESSAGES TO ONE OF MIKE PENCE'S
AIDES, SENT FROM AN AIDE TO SENATOR RON JOHNSON.
THE DETAILS WERE ABOUT JOHNSON TRYING TO GET A LIST OF FAKE
ALTERNATE ELECTORS INTO PENCE'S HANDS, BUT WHAT JUMPED OUT TO ME
WHEN I SAW IT THIS AFTERNOON, WAS THAT THE TREASONOUS TEXT
MESSAGES START SIMPLY WITH, "SUP?"
( LAUGHTER )
DEMOCRACY.
"SUP?
"O.M.G., LET'S TOTES SEAT ALTERN-8 ELECTORS FOR THE LOLZ!"
NOW ONE OF THE--
T.T.F.N.
ONE OF THE MOST HEARTBREAKING WITNESSES OF THE DAY WAS GEORGIA
ELECTION WORKER WANDREA SHAYE MOSS, WHO WAS HATEFULLY AND
UNFAIRLY ATTACKED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS GOONS.
IN A WEB VIDEO, GIULIANI ACCUSED MOSS AND HER MOTHER OF A
VARIETY OF FALSEHOODS.
AND, OF COURSE, THERE WAS A NORMAL, SOBER EXPLANATION.
>> IN ONE OF THE VIDEOS WE JUST WATCHED, MR. GIULIANI
ACCUSED YOU AND YOUR MOTHER OF PASSING SOME SORT OF U.S.B.
DRIVE TO EACH OTHER.
WHAT WAS YOUR MOM ACTUALLY HANDING YOU ON THAT VIDEO?
>> A GINGER MINT.
( LAUGHTER )
WHY RUDY NEVER PRODUCED ANY EVIDENCE.
HE KEPT JAMMING ALTOIDS INTO HIS U.S.B. PORT.
( AS RUDY )
HAND ME A RICOLA!" "DAMN YOU, SWISS!"
THE COMMITTEE--
THE COMMITTEE ALSO PLAYED SOME TRULY MOVING FOOTAGE OF MOSS'S
MOTHER, WHO GOES BY THE NAME "LADY RUBY," EXPLAINING WHAT IT
WAS LIKE AS AN EVERYDAY CITIZEN BEING ATTACKED BY THE MOST
POWERFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD.
>> DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES TO TARGET YOU?
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT
EVERY AMERICAN, NOT TO TARGET ONE.
BUT HE TARGETED ME, LADY RUBY.
>> Stephen: OH, NO.
NOW I'M MAD. DON'T YOU DARE TARGET HER!
FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD, AMERICA IS GOING TO HAVE TO
CHOOSE: LADY RUBY OR SHADY RUDY.
NOT EVERYONE'S--
YOU DON'T GO AFTER LADY RUBY.
NO!
SHE'S ROYALTY, I THINK.
NOT EVERYONE'S FOCUSED ON 2020.
THE MIDTERMS ARE COMING UP, AND THERE'S A WHOLE NEW ELECTION TO
UNDERMINE, COMPLETE WITH PLENTY OF KOOKY, FAR-RIGHT CANDIDATES
LIKE FORMER MISSOURI GOVERNOR AND MAN AT THE HARDWARE STORE
ASKING IF THIS TARP IS BLOOD-PROOF, ERIC GREITENS.
GREITENS WAS ELECTED GOVERNOR OF MISSOURI BACK IN 2016 BUT
RESIGNED IN DISGRACE A YEAR INTO HIS TERM AFTER REPORTS OF
AN AFFAIR WITH A FORMER HAIRDRESSER WHO ACCUSED HIM OF
ABUSE AND BLACKMAIL.
SO, NOT THE KIND OF GUY YOU'D TRUST WITH A MATCH, LET ALONE A
FIREARM.
KEEP THAT IN MIND WHEN YOU WATCH HIS NEW SENATE CAMPAIGN AD,
WHERE HE ATTACKS SO-CALLED "RINOS," OR "REPUBLICANS IN NAME
ONLY."
>> I'M ERIC GREITENS, NAVY SEAL, AND TODAY WE'RE GOING RINO
HUNTING.
THE RINO FEEDS ON CORRUPTION AND IS MARKED BY THE STRIPES OF
COWARDICE.
JOIN THE MAGA CREW.
GET A RINO HUNTING PERMIT.
THERE'S NO BAGGING LIMIT, NO TAGGING LIMIT, AND IT DOESN'T
EXPIRE UNTIL WE SAVE OUR COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YEAH.
>> Audience: BOO!
>> Stephen: YEAH, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON THERE.
FIRST OF ALL, IT'S RARE TO CALL FOR THE DEATH OF MEMBERS OF YOUR
OWN PARTY.
I'VE ONLY SEEN IT ONCE BEFORE:
"BLOOMBERG 2020: I HEAR BERNIE SANDERS IS ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND I-- I'VE GOT TO SAY, THAT IS DISTURBING.
AND I'VE GOT TWO QUESTION ABOUT THAT AD: ONE IS, WHAT THE HELL?
AND TWO: WHAT ARE THEY ACTUALLY BREAKING INTO, AN EMPTY HOUSE?
THERE'S NO FURNITURE IN THERE.
WHY?
WAIT, I'M BEING TOLD "THE LATE SHOW" HAS ACTUALLY ACQUIRED THE
ORIGINAL CUT OF THE AD: >> JOIN THE MAGA CREW.
>> WHOA, WHOA!
I'M ROARKEING HERE!
YOU'RE GETTING DUST ALL OVER MY FREAKIN' SEMI-GLOSS,
RAMBRO!
OPEN HOUSE ISN"T TIL SATURDAY!
TELL SEAL TEAM SUCK IT TO STAY OFF MY HARDWOOD FLOORS, OKAY?
YOU'RE PAYING FOR THAT DOOR!
YOU'RE PAYING FOR THE DOOR, DOUCHE CASSIDY!
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS WERNER HERZOG.
AND WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL BE HOLDING PUPPIES WITH EMMA
THOMPSON.
AND "MEANWHILE."
IT'S A LOT OF SHOW.
♪ ♪ ♪