>> Stephen: WE SET OVER HERE?
ALL RIGHT.
DO IT.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK THINGS CAN'T GET ANY WEIRDER, TRUMP CRANKS IT
UP TO 11 AND THEN SWALLOWS THE KNOB.
TODAY, THE PRESIDENT HELD A WHITE HOUSE MEETING WITH LEADERS
IN THE RESTAURANT INDUSTRY.
(AS TRUMP) "BEFORE WE BEGIN, HOW ABOUT APPS
FOR THE WHOLE TABLE?
JALAPENO POPPERS, NACHOS, CLAM STRIPS, AND CALAMARI, THANKS.
OOOH, GARLIC KNOTS."
THE TOPIC WAS SUPPOSED TO BE REOPENING THE ECONOMY, BUT THEN
TRUMP STARTED ANSWERING QUESTIONS AND IT WAS T.M.I.
TRUMP GOT UPSET WITH WHISTLEBLOWER DR. RICK BRIGHT,
WHO SAID HE WAS PRESSURED TO SUPPORT HYDROXYCHOLOROQUINE FOR
POLITICAL REASONS.
AND TRUMP MADE THIS STARTLING ADMISSION:
>> I HAPPEN TO BE TAKING IT.
I HAPPEN TO BE TAKING IT.
I'M TAKING IT.
HYDROXYCHOLOROQUINE.
RIGHT NOW, YEAH.
COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO I STARTED TAKING IT.
>> WHY?
>> BECAUSE I THINK IT'S GOOD.
I'VE HEARD A LOT OF GOOD STORIES.
>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, THAT'S WHY ANYONE TAKES AN
EXPERIMENTAL DRUG TREATMENT.
WE'VE ALL SEEN THE PHARMACEUTICAL ADS.
>> IF YOU THINK HYDROXYCHOLOROQUINE MIGHT BE
RIGHT FOR YOU, DON'T ASK YOUR DOCTOR.
JUST ASK AROUND, AND IF YOU HEAR SOME GOOD STORIES, EAT IT.
EAT IT, YOU COWARD.
>> STEPHEN: THEN, ASKED ABOUT WHAT RESEARCH HE HAS THAT
THIS IS A PREVENTATIVE WONDER-DRUG, THE PRESIDENT CITED
THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF "I HEARD IT FROM A GUY."
>> CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME THOUGH WHAT IS THE EVIDENCE THAT IT
HAS A PREVENTATIVE EFFECT?
>> HERE YOU GO, YOU READY?
HERE'S MY EVIDENCE.
I GET A LOT OF POSITIVE CALLS ABOUT IT.
>> STEPHEN: FOR THE SAKE OF HIS CHILDREN, I HOPE HE'S NOT
GETTING A LOT OF POSITIVE CALLS ABOUT CLOROX.
IT WAS SUCH A SHOCKING STATEMENT THAT EVEN FOX NEWS HAD TO CLAP
BACK.
HERE'S THE BEIGE BEAST KNOWN AS NEAL CAVUTO:
>> THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THOUGH, WHEN THE PRESIDENT SAID
"WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE," IN A NUMBER OF STUDIES THOSE
CERTAINLY VULNERABLE IN THE POPULATION HAVE ONE THING TO
LOSE: THEIR LIVES.
IF YOU ARE IN A RISKY POPULATION HERE AND YOU ARE TAKING THIS AS
A PREVENTATIVE TREATMENT, IT WILL KILL YOU.
I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH.
THIS.
WILL.
KILL.
YOU.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, NEIL, BUT TO BE FAIR, AFTER THAT...
TECHNICALLY, YOU DON'T HAVE THE VIRUS ANYMORE.
ANYWAY, THE NEWSMAN SAYS IT'S DEADLY, SO I HOPE I'M NOT
SURPRISING ANYONE WHEN I SAY, MR. PRESIDENT, DON'T TAKE IT.
NOW, IN ADDITION TO THE PRESIDENT SLOWLY POISONING
HIMSELF WITH THE DR. JEKYLL METHOD, THE OTHER BIG NEWS IS
THAT ON FRIDAY, TRUMP REMOVED THE INSPECTOR GENERAL FOR THE
STATE DEPARTMENT.
IT'S THE THIRD TIME IN SIX WEEKS THAT SUCH A MOVE HAS BEEN
ANNOUNCED ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.
'CAUSE AT THE WHITE HOUSE, "T.G.I.F." STANDS FOR "TRUMP GOT
THE INSPECTOR FIRED."
TURNS OUT, TRUMP WAS REALLY PROTECTING HIS BUDDY SECRETARY
OF STATE AND MAN WITH A C-CUP MASK FOR A D-CUP FACE, MIKE
POMPEO.
ACCORDING TO A WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL, TRUMP REMOVED
INSPECTOR GENERAL LINICK AT POMPEO'S URGING.
COINCIDENTALLY, THE I.G. WAS INVESTIGATING THE SECRETARY FOR
USING GOVERNMENT STAFFERS TO RUN ERRANDS LIKE PICKING UP HIS DRY
CLEANING, MAKING A DINNER RESERVATION FOR HIM AND HIS
WIFE, AND WALKING HIS DOG.
THAT'S SO DEGRADING.
NOT ONLY DID THE STAFFER HAVE TO WALK POMPEO'S DOG, THEY ALSO HAD
TO WALK TRUMP'S DOG.
IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG FOR TRUMP TO GET ASKED ABOUT FIRING THE I.G.
HERE'S WHAT HE SAID: >> I DON'T KNOW HIM AT ALL.
I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM.
BUT I WAS ASKED TO BY THE STATE DEPARTMENT, BY MIKE.
SO I DON'T KNOW HIM, NEVER HEARD OF HIM, BUT THEY ASKED ME TO
TERMINATE HIM.
I HAVE THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT AS PRESIDENT TO TERMINATE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON OTHER THAN THAT.
BUT YOU'D HAVE TO ASK MIKE POMPEO.
>> STEPHEN: I'M NOT SURE THAT SOUNDS AS EXONERATING AS TRUMP
THINKS.
(AS TRUMP) "DON'T LOOK AT ME!
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON.
THEY JUST PROP ME UP HERE AND I DO THE THINGS THEY TELL ME.
THAT REMINDS ME, HAND ME THE NUCLEAR FOOTBALL.
I GOT A LOT OF NEGATIVE PHONE CALLS ABOUT CHINA."
NOW, IN ADDITION TO USING STATE DEPARTMENT OFFICIALS TO WALK HIS
DOG, THE I.G. WAS INVESTIGATING POMPEO FOR ONE OTHER THING--
MIGHT NOT BE IMPORTANT-- NOT COOPERATING WITH THEIR PROBE
INTO AN $8 BILLION ARMS DEAL TO SAUDI ARABIA.
GUESS WHICH ONE TRUMP THOUGHT WAS IMPORTANT?
>> YOU'RE JUST TELLING ME ABOUT WALKING A DOG AND WHAT'D YOU
SAY, DOING DISHES?
>> SAUDI ARMS DEAL, SIR.
>> STEPHEN: OUCH.
THAT'S LIKE WHEN A HUSBAND COMES HOME AND SAYS "HONEY, I KNOW
YOU'RE MAD THAT I DIDN'T TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE" AND HIS WIFE
GOES, "YES, AND ALSO BECAUSE OF YOUR $8 BILLION ARMS DEAL TO
SAUDI ARABIA."
HERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN WAITING A LONG TIME TO SAY:
THERE'S GOOD NEWS.
BECAUSE A CORONAVIRUS VACCINE TRIAL BY A COMPANY CALLED
MODERNA SHOWS PROMISING EARLY RESULTS.
THIS IS THE FIRST CORONAVIRUS VACCINE TO BE TESTED ON HUMANS
AND IT APPEARS TO BE SAFE AND ABLE TO STIMULATE AN IMMUNE
RESPONSE AGAINST THE VIRUS, BASED ON RESULTS FROM EIGHT
PEOPLE.
OKAY, YOU HAVE AN EXPERIMENTAL VACCINE SO YOU ONLY TEST IT ON
EIGHT PEOPLE.
HOW DO YOU PICK?
"YOU KNOW, PHIL IN ACCOUNTING LOOKS EXPENDABLE."
"HEY, PHIL!" THE COMPANY PLANS ON A SECOND
PHASE WHERE THEY TEST IT ON 600 PEOPLE AND IF ALL GOES WELL, A
VACCINE COULD BECOME AVAILABLE FOR WIDESPREAD USE BY THE END OF
2020 OR EARLY 2021.
ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, THEY'RE NOT DROPPING A BALL IN TIMES SQUARE,
THEY'RE DROPPING A GIANT SYRINGE.
IT'S MADE OF SWAROVSKI CRYSTALS!
NEWS OF MODERNA'S POSSIBLE VACCINE CAUSED WALL STREET TO
SOAR MORE THAN 900 POINTS TODAY, EVEN THOUGH ON FRIDAY, AT AN
EVENT ABOUT GETTING A VACCINE, THE PRSIDENT SAID THAT GETTING
A VACCINE WAS NOT A BIG DEAL.
>> WE THINK WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A VACCINE IN THE PRETTY NEAR
FUTURE.
AND IF WE DO, WE'RE GOING TO REALLY BE A BIG STEP AHEAD.
AND IF WE DON'T, WE'RE GOING TO BE LIKE SO MANY OTHER CASES
WHERE YOU HAD A PROBLEM COME IN, IT'LL GO AWAY-- AT SOME POINT,
IT'LL GO AWAY.
>> STEPHEN: HE SAID THAT AT THE LAUNCH OF THE RACE FOR THE
VACCINE!
IT'S LIKE STANDING UP AT YOUR WEDDING AND SAYING, "I'M SO
EXCITED TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU, CINDY.
BUT ALSO LIVING ALONE IS SUPER COOL.
AT SOME POINT, LIKE SO MANY OTHER WOMEN, YOU WILL GO AWAY."
TRUMP MADE IT CLEAR THAT DEVELOPING A VACCINE IS A GLOBAL
EFFORT.
>> WE HAVE NO EGO WHEN IT COMES TO THIS.
NO EGO WHATSOEVER.
SO WE'RE WORKING TOGETHER WITH MANY DIFFERENT COUNTRIES.
AND AGAIN, WE HAVE NO EGO.
WE HAVE NO EGO.
WHOEVER GETS IT, WE THINK IT'S GREAT.
>> STEPHEN: METHINKS HE DOTH NO EGO TOO MUCH.
(AS TRUMP) "THERE'S NO EGO HERE.
AFTER ALL, THERE'S NO 'I' IN EGO.
AND IF THERE'S NO "I" IN IT, WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT IT?"
ALSO ON FRIDAY, TRUMP HELD A SPECIAL EVENT FOR HIS WEIRD SIDE
PROJECT, SPACE FORCE!
THE EVENT WAS TO UNVEIL THE NEW SPACE FORCE FLAG, BUT BEFORE
THAT HAPPENED, THE PRESIDENT TOOK A MINUTE TO NAME A NEW
WEAPON.
>> WE'RE BUILDING, RIGHT NOW, INCREDIBLE MILITARY EQUIPMENT
AT A LEVEL THAT NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN BEFORE.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE.
WE HAVE TO DO IT-- WITH THE ADVERSARIES WE HAVE OUT THERE.
WE HAVE A-- I CALL IT THE "SUPER-DUPER MISSILE."
AND I HEARD THE OTHER NIGHT, 17 TIMES FASTER THAN WHAT THEY HAVE
RIGHT NOW.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT, WE HAVE THE "SUPER-DUPER MISSILE."
OF COURSE, OUR ENEMIES WILL SOON DEVELOP "A DOUBLE-SUPER-COOL
MISSILE."
WE'D HAVE TO COUNTER WITH OUR "AWESOME-TIMES-INFINITY
MISSILE," WHICH YOU'D THINK IS UNBEATABLE, UNLESS THE RUSSIANS
ACHIEVE "AWESOME-TIMES-INFINITY-PLUS-ONE
TECHNOLOGY. " OF COURSE, IT SEEMS LIKE NOBODY
REALLY KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
SOON AFTER HE MADE THE REMARKS, THE WHITE HOUSE WAS UNABLE TO
ELABORATE AND REFERRED REPORTERS TO THE PENTAGON, AND WHEN
REACHED FOR COMMENT, A PENTAGON SPOKESMAN REFERRED REPORTERS
BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
THE WHITE HOUSE WAS THEN FORCED TO ISSUE A "NO TAG BACKS" ORDER
TO THE PENTAGON.
THEN CAME THE MAIN EVENT, WHERE THE COMMANDERS UNROLLED THE NEW
SPACE FORCE FLAG WHICH, AS YOU CAN TELL, THEY RIPPED OFF FROM
"STAR TREK."
"STAR TREK" IS A CBS PROPERTY, SIR.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO CEASE AND DESIST YOUR COPYRIGHT
INFRINGEMENT OR AT LEAST REMOVE THE TRIBBLE FROM YOUR HEAD.
TRUMP HAS BEEN CRITICIZED FOR NOT DOING MORE DURING THIS
CISIS, SO THIS WEEKEND, HE PROVED THAT HE HAS HIS EYE ON
THE BALL BY CALLING INTO A PRO GOLF EVENT.
THE PRESIDENT KICKED OFF THE CONVERSATION WITH A STUNNING
ADMISSION.
>> I LOVE GOLF AND I LOVE EVEN THE EXERCISE.
SOMETIMES IT'S NOT AS MUCH WHEN YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND IN CARTS
FOR SPEED.
>> STEPHEN: SO HE LIKES THE EXERCISE, BUT SKIPS THE ONLY
PART WHERE YOU EXERCISE.
(AS TRUMP) "I LOVE DOING PULL-UPS, THOUGH
SOMETIMES THEY'RE NOT AS HARD WHEN THEY USE A FORKLIFT TO
RAISE MY BODY. " THE PRESIDENT HAD OPTIMISTIC
WORDS FOR SPORTS FANS: >> WE WANT TO GET SPORTS BACK.
WE MISS SPORTS.
WE ARE GETTING IT BACK AND IT'S GOING TO BE FAST.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S GOING TO BE FAST?
CLEARLY YOU HAVE NEVER WATCHED GOLF.
EVENTUALLY, TRUMP GOT AROUND TO TALKING ABOUT CORONAVIRUS, BUT
HE CHOSE TO REFER TO IT BY A NEW NICKNAME:
>> WHEN I TOOK OVER THE ADMINISTRATION WE DIDN'T HAVE
TESTING AND PLUS THE TESTING HAD TO BE SPECIFIC TO THIS
PARTICULAR PROBLEM.
AND, YOU KNOW, WE CALL IT THE "PROBLEM THAT CAME IN."
>> STEPHEN: FUNNY, THAT'S WHAT I CALL YOU.
♪ ♪
♪ >> THIS JOKE FIXED EVERYTHING!
>> Stephen: WE HEARD A LOT MORE FROM THE
PRESIDENT THIS WEEKEND, BUT IT WAS FROM THE ONE WE LIKE!
TALKIN' 'BOUT FORMER PRESIDENT AND "MUPPET SHOW" GUEST WHO
DOESN'T THINK STATLER AND WALDORF ARE FUNNY, BARACK OBAMA.
ON SATURDAY, OBAMA DELIVERED TWO COMMENCEMENT SPEECHES TO
GRADUATES.
ONE FOR SENIORS FROM HISTORICALLY BLACK COLLEGES AND
UNIVERSITIES, AND ONE FOR HIGH SCHOOLERS AS PART OF LEBRON
JAMES' PRIMETIME SPECIAL "GRADUATE TOGETHER."
AND COMING THIS FALL, THE EXCITING FOLLOW UP SPECIAL:
"PLEDGE THE BACKYARD FRATERNITY YOUR DAD MADE UP TOGETHER."
DURING HIS SPEECH TO THE HIGH SCHOOL GRADS, OBAMA STARTED OUT
WITH A JOKE.
>> THE WORLD IS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN BY A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
AND AS MUCH AS I'M SURE YOU LOVE YOUR PARENTS, I'LL BET THAT
BEING STUCK AT HOME WITH THEM AND PLAYING BOARD GAMES OR
WATCHING "TIGER KING" ON TV IS NOT EXACTLY HOW YOU ENVISIONED
THE LAST FEW MONTHS OF YOUR SENIOR YEAR.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT ARE YOU DOING PLUGGING "THE TIGER KING?"
YOU'VE GOT YOUR OWN NETFLIX SHOWS.
YOUR BOOK WASN'T CALLED "DREAMS FROM SOMEBODY ELSE'S FATHER."
THE BIG HEADLINE OUT OF OBAMA'S SPEECHES WAS WHEN HE TOOK A
THINLY-VEILED SWIPE AT TRUMP.
>> MORE THAN ANYTHING, THIS PANDEMIC HAS FULLY, FINALLY TORN
BACK THE CURTAIN ON THE IDEA THAT SO MANY OF THE FOLKS IN
CHARGE KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
A LOT OF THEM AREN'T EVEN PRETENDING TO BE IN CHARGE.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "HOW DARE YOU!
FOR MY STINGING RESPONSE, I WILL DEFER TO THE GOVERNORS."
BUT THE PRESIDENT DID HAVE A RESPONSE.
>> (INAUDIBLE).
LOOK, HE WAS AN INCOMP TEN PRESIDENT, THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY,
GROSSLY INCOMPETENT.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "GROSSLY INCOMPETENT.
THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO CALL INTO A GOLF
TOURNAMENT AND BRAG ABOUT HOW ONLY 90,000 PEOPLE HAVE DIED ON
MY WATCH."
THE SHUTDOWN HAS HURT A LOT OF BUSINESSES THAT RELY ON BRINGING
PEOPLE INSIDE, LIKE CHUCK E.
CHEESE, WHICH HAS LOST 21% OF SALES DUE TO CORONAVIRUS.
WEIRDLY, THE IDEA OF LETTING A BUNCH OF KIDS EAT WITH THEIR
HANDS FROM THE SAME TRAY WHILE PLAYING IN A COMMUNAL PIT OF
PLASTIC BALLS AND DIRTY DIAPERS NO LONGER APPEALS.
BUT THE GOOD PEOPLE AT CHUCK E.
CHEESE HAVE A SOLUTION.
THEY'VE BEEN MAKING THEIR MENU AVAILABLE FOR DELIVERY ON
GRUBHUB UNDER THE PSEUDONYM PASQUALLY'S PIZZA AND WINGS.
A FAKE NAME?
REALLY?
CHARLES ENTERTAINMENT CHEESE I'VE NEVER BEEN SO DISAPPOINTED
IN MY LIFE!
MOSTLY BY THE PIZZA, BUT ALSO, THIS BEHAVIOR!
THOUGH I HAVE TO SAY IT IS VERY CLEVER.
PEOPLE WILL NEVER THINK IT'S CHUCK E. CHEESE IF YOU ASSOCIATE
IT WITH FOOD.
FOR ALL YOU NON-E.CHEESE HEADS OUT THERE, PASQUALLY IS THE NAME
OF THE FICTIONAL ITALIAN CHEF IN THE CHUCK E. CHEESE EXPANDED
UNIVERSE.
WHICH MEANS THEY HAD AN ITALIAN CHEF CHARACTER AND STILL SAID,
"NAH, LET'S GO WITH THE RAT.
IT MORE ACCURATELY REPRESENTS THE EXPERIENCE."
WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO ELMO, AND LATER KUMAIL NANJIANI.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US.
THERE, JON, IT HAPPENED.
IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
HOORAH.
♪ ♪