-Hey, everybody, let's step over to the desk.
♪♪
Uh...
[ Laughter ]
-That made you tired. -It's the end of the we--
[ Laughter ]
-I felt how heavy that window was on my fake space work.
It is the -- [ Laughter ]
There's no water allowed on the set.
There's a lot of things.
It's the end of the week, and that's usually
when I catch up on some personal stuff.
I check my inbox, return some e-mails,
and, of course, I send out thank-you notes.
Well, I was running a bit behind today so I thought
if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd like to write out
my weekly thank-you notes right now.
Is that cool with you guys? I hope so.
[ Applause ] James --
I haven't said this in a long time.
James, can I get some thank-you-note-writing music?
♪♪
Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Wow.
Oh, my -- Oh! Oh. Oh, my God.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Wait, wait, wait.
You were playing that with one hand?
♪♪
There you go, perfect.
Mm.
♪♪
Thank you, viral video of cakes that don't look like cakes
for being the reason why the President spent the morning
trying to cut his stapler with a fork.
[ Light laughter ]
We're gonna have to speed these up a little bit
with all the -- [ Clears throat ] -- dead air.
[ Laughter ]
Hoo.
-Not if you do that little dance move after each thank-you note.
-After each thank-you, you want me to do which dance move?
-Help me pick one.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-I ate your -- [ Laughs ] I ate your head, and...
-Yeah, we saw.
-Swallowed it.
Changed your hairstyle, regurgitated it.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, Ivanka Trump
telling unemployed Americans to "find something new,"
for sounding less like an economic recovery plan
and more like something you'd find stitched on a pillow
at a beach house.
"Find something new." Maybe I will find something new.
[ Laughter ]
-Why do you keep slamming it?
[ Laughter ]
-Am I hitting it down? -That was loud.
-All right, I'll do it in silence.
♪♪
Thank you, study that says dogs experience separation anxiety
when their owners return to work,
while cats are just like, "Bye-bye, bish."
[ Light laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
I think it sounded a little tappy over there.
♪♪
Thank you, face masks,
for being the new fuzzy dice in everyone's car.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
Oh, man. I don't know.
♪♪
Thank you, new avocado milk,
for being green while also being the whitest thing ever.
[ Light laughter ]
"Um, pardon me. Do you have avocado milk?"
Oh, here's another one. A double dip.
-Hmm.
♪♪
Thank you, avocado milk.
[ Laughter ]
-That's it.
[ Laughter ]
I'm the new spokesman for avocado milk.
Thank you, avocado milk.
[ Laughter ]
-That's a thing? -Oh, yeah, man.
This is it. It's like the new oatmeal.
-Oh. Okay. [ Laughs ]
♪♪
-Thank you, avocado milk.
Sure, you're really expensive, but at least you taste terrible.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my goodness.
Triple dip? -Three avocados?
-It's three-layer avocado milk day.
-Yes, yes, let's have it, let's have it.
-You ready? -Yeah, let's do it.
-We've never done this when we did the regular show.
-Three in a row.
-Here we go, man. [ Chuckles ]
♪♪
Thank you, avocado milk...
[ Laughter ]
...for letting me fulfill my longtime fantasy
of drinking Baby Yoda.
[ Laughter ] Oh, hey! Come on, hey!
Not tonight, kids. Time to go to bed.
Come on.
Not tonight.
No. -Yeah, come on.
No, there isn't. This is a regular one.
-There's got to be more. -Nope.
-You got to freestyle one.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, gosh. Uh...
Oh, gosh. Um...uh, uh...
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-You're not even doing it?
You don't have to freestyle that.
[ Laughter ]
-You always play the same song.
You're gonna freestyle, too?
I've got -- Uh, uh...
Gosh, just give me two seconds.
Can we do a "Please stand by" thing?
♪♪
-Let this be the whole show.
[ Laughter ]
-I got it.
♪♪
-Thank you, avocado milk.
When I poured you in my coffee the first time,
I was like, "Holy guacamole."
[ Laughter ] [ Bell dings ]
-All right. You did it, you did it.
♪♪
-James Fallon, ladies and gentlemen.
Come on, give it up, give it up.
-No, man. -Give it up.
[ Applause ]
-Awful joke.
That's why we have writers.
That's why we have writers and the whole -- oh, man.
♪♪
Thank you, texts that start with "Sorry, just saw this,"
for being a fun way of saying,
"Hey, you like being lied to, right?"
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, man.
That's me all day. -"Yeah, this oughta be..."
-I'm just gonna start saying, "Hey, you like being lied to?"
-Yeah, yeah, people get it. Might as well.
Here's the last one. Here we go.
♪♪
Thank you, Kanye West,
for launching the Quibi of presidential campaigns.
There you have it, everybody.
Those are our "Thank You Notes."