What's up everybody? This is Charlie from Charisma on Command and today I want to
talk about persuasiveness and self-esteem, and really, how those two things intersect,
because the truth is, every time you're trying to persuade someone of anything, you're revealing
how you feel about yourself, and that is persuading them just as much, if not, more, than the
contents of what you're saying.
So, if you're not familiar with it, this clip is from the show "The Voice" and the idea
is that a singer gets on stage, sings a song, and if the judges like them, they compete
to have that person join their team.
Now, in this case, there's two judges there going to argue for the same woman to join
their team--Joel and Ricky. They have very different strategies. One is bad, one is really
good, and we're going to start with the bad one.
I actually really, really want her on my team, Ricky.
Yeah, me too.
Okay.
Cardinal sin of any persuasive tactic right here, talking about what you want. When you're
trying to persuade someone, people often think that it's like some kind of a compliment to
say how badly they would like it if someone did that thing, as if that would be to lavish praise
on them.
People do not care. They have their own interests in mind. So if you hear yourself starting
to say "I would love, or I want, or I would like," cut it out. You need to talk about
what would be good for them and he's gonna continue down this broken path for most of
his argument.
I just want to say that sometimes I get so excited it really like scares people away,
and I've lost a lot of battles for people.
Now, this is something else that I see and it is unfortunate, when you watch it here,
it seems so obvious, "Dude, why are you down talking yourself?" But I see it when people
step on stage, right? If they're not comfortable giving a presentation, they'll often start
with, "I'm not very good at this," or they're telling a joke to say, "I always tell it badly,"
or even guys, when they approach a woman in a bar, they'll say, "I know you probably wouldn't
want to talk to a guy like me, but..." If you are going to go up there and negatively
social proof yourself by talking about your past failures, you don't stand a chance.
Now, we're compelled to do this sometimes because we find ourselves unworthy of the
situation in which we find ourselves. We don't think we can give the presentation or tell
the joke or talk to the girl, or whatever it is. If that's how you feel, there is work
that can be done beforehand to deal with those feelings, but in the moment, at the very least,
do not voice those negative concerns because you're going to shoot yourself in the foot,
and completely obliterate any chance of it going well.
Dude, I've been turned down by girls. I would love it if you'll give me a chance.
Again, "I would love it if..." That is a terrible way to start a persuasive sentence. Nobody
cares what you would love. They have their own interest in mind. He needs to talk about
her career, how he can help her.
I just, I'm already seeing things, you know, I just wanna try lots of different things,
songs, staging, you know, I like to get really creative because I would love to work with you.
So he talks about what he wants to do, how creative he is, and never ties it back to
her, and then, of course, closes weakly with "I would love to work with you." That is a
zero on the persuasiveness scale.
Now, watch how Ricky takes it in a completely different direction.
You have the whole package. You have the...
You, finally, right? After all this time, he starts by talking about her. He's going
to say what she has going and he affirms her here.
You have the aura of a star. You just have to fight for what you believe in, stand in
that stage believing every second, every word you say, and I can work on that with you.
That is persuasiveness in a nutshell right there, right? He affirms her, says what she's
got going, says what she needs to do, and then, introduces himself as the solution.
Now I could talk about his body language and eye contact, and that is all critically important,
but that's, really, all just a symptom of how he feels about himself and his argument,
compared to Joel, right? Joel is probably going through some high school
thing where there's a pretty girl on stage and he feels unworthy. Ricky doesn't have
that same baggage, so he is genuinely coming from a place of "You can be awesome and I
can help," and he's not afraid to look at her in the eye as he says it. That is critical.
Allow me, please, to be part of your journey. I would love to be part of your journey. Let's
have a really good time
This is extremely fascinating here, so he starts with "you," says, "You have this going,"
then introduces a little bit of an issue, you know, "This is what you need to do. I
can help you," and then, closes with "us. Let's do this together. Let's go on this journey."
That is an amazing persuasive arc in a nutshell. You, what you've got; I, how I can help with
what you're missing, and then, us, what we can do together?" Really, really beautiful,
small persuasive arc, and just very interesting to see him sum it up in such a short period of time.
So I want to jump ahead now and show you kind of how they connect differently when they're
looking and interacting with her. Again, this comes back to the self-esteem part, so here
we go. Joel is about to give her a present to persuade her to join his team.
Oh, hold on, hold on. I've been saving this for someone special.
Now, just look at his approach, note the amount of eye contact he make, look at if he touches
her, look at if he's got any sort of engagement going on as he presents this gift to her.
Again, with that, he's got that little bit of segue, it's like sorry, like he's almost afraid to
touch her as he just hands the roses to her, as if they have some bacteria on them and
he needs to get rid of them.
So he's got those small little gestures, he's very tight on the inside. Let's switch this
now with Ricky.
So cutting now to Ricky, just note, his eye contact, how with everything else and everyone
shouting around him, how he engages her, so completely. Now, he doesn't walk up to her
like Joel did, but you can just get the sense that he's actually connecting with her much
more, based on his-- the angle of his body, the way that he looks on her, how he gesticulates.
This is really where the self-esteem issue comes in.
Ricky has no problem doing this because he feels worthy of the situation. I don't know
Joel, I can't say from afar, but just from watching this clip, I would have to guess
that he felt very, very nervous in this situation, which is why he acted the way that he did.
This is it. This is heavy. This is not a romantic show. This is not about dating.
No, this is about creativity.
This is about music and this is about your career. This is serious stuff. You got to
make a decision.
I am here to give you 30 years of career.
And, again, he shows what he can give her at the end, so as you can guess, Ricky Martin
wins this one, and I just want to show you how they handled that moment.
So Ricky, comfortable, standing, touching, interacting with people; Joel, not so much.
Watch as he struggles to make eye contact to address her, to touch her, really, to pay
attention directly at her for any more than a second.
And there you go. And that's interesting there, he goes back there to that excuse, you know, she
went with the handsome guy. That is sometimes what we tell ourselves when we don't get what
we want, right? Something goes poorly and we are picked second or picked last, even,
sometimes. Sometimes, not even picked at all. And we tell ourselves it's because this person
is more handsome or more wealthier, that the odds were completely against us. The truth
is, we shot ourselves in the foot the entire way as did Joel in this.
Everything that he said indicated that he was a taker. Everything that he did indicate
that he did not feel that he was worthy of the position in which he found himself. He
basically broadcast to her pick Ricky. So when he said pick Ricky and Ricky said, "Hey,
guess what, pick Ricky? It made it a very easy choice for her.
So I hope that you guys have found this helpful, if not, maybe just a little bit depressing.
I hope that Joel bounces back, but if you want to know 4 things that you can do early
in an interaction, these are things that Ricky is doing here, to make an amazing first impression,
you can go ahead and click the link now. It will take you to a video that discusses what
these four emotions are and the exact order that you need to hit them in, in order to
make a first impression on anyone, anywhere, on a TV show, or in your life. So go ahead,
now, click that link. It will take you to that video that you can get now.
If you've liked this video, go ahead and subscribe, thumbs up. If you have any other videos of
people that you think are really charismatic, go ahead and drop them in the comments. I
love those because they really help me cut down the amount of research that I have to
do. I'm Charlie from Charisma on Command and I hope that you found this helpful, and I
will see you in the next video.